Category Archives: Memories

July 19, 2012 · 10:09 pm

What matters most on birthdays

Today is my 38th birthday. Obviously, this has not been the best of months for me. In fact, it ranks right up there with December 2011 (my dad’s death) as the worst month of my life.

I went to visit my mom today in the nursing home. I had the chance to overhear her tell a nurse, “It’s my daughter’s birthday today,” even before she saw me. I had to walk her through the significance of July 19th yesterday. Mom was never the type to forget birthdays. Considering everything she’s been through lately, I would have totally understood if she forgot, but it was sweet that she remembered.

Mom and I at the nursing home on my birthday.

Last year, Mom and I visited Dad at the nursing home he was at shortly before my birthday. They sang “Happy Birthday” to me together for the last time. Dad was barely awake but he mumbled through it as best he could. In years past, he would croon like Bing Crosby or Frank Sinatra.

“To Joy on her 38th birthday with more love than I could ever express. You are so loved and special. Love much from Mom.”

Mom was adamant about me getting her purse from her room while we set outside. She said she had “something for my birthday” in there. She wanted something to wrap it in so I gave her my camera case and then she said she wanted to write me a note. I gave her pen and paper and she labored over the brief note.

Mom put a crumpled $20 in the camera case, but it is the note and the photo I took of us that are the gifts that matter the most. Sure, no one wants to spend their birthday visiting their mom in a nursing home. But at least I still have my mom to give me a birthday hug. That’s truly the best gift of all.

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July 18, 2012 · 10:58 pm

There’s always a sadder story

My mom got a roommate today. She was quiet as they wheeled her into the room in a wheelchair. The head nurse came back to do the admission interview. That’s when the poor old woman broke down.

“My husband died here!” The woman started to wail uncontrollably. There are only three nursing homes in the town my mom is in right now, but geez, you think they could have sent this woman to one of the other facilities. Maybe some people would be comforted by the familiar surroundings, but I think for most people, it would be a depressing reminder of their spouse’s death. Just seeing the vans rolling around town for the place my dad was at the last year of his life give me the creeps and make me sad. I can’t imagine finding myself sick and ending up in the same facility where my loved one passed away.

The next thing she said was just as moving to me: “I miss my cats!” I can see myself as this woman 30 years from now. First to lose your spouse, then to have to give up your pets, it

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July 17, 2012 · 9:45 pm

Back to the nursing home

So I just got Mom settled into the skilled nursing facility. The sights and sounds bring back so many memories of my dad, and his final year that was mostly spent in a nursing home. Of course, the circumstances were different. Dad had dementia and was placed in a memory care unit because he was no longer manageable at home. Mom is recovering from major surgery and trying to regain her independence.

Dad’s case was pretty much hopeless. I have a bit more hope for my mom, but let’s face it, no one wants to be in one of these facilities. Who would want to rely on strangers to do the simplest of tasks for them?

There was a patient wandering the hall saying she was bleeding. A couple of others were mumbling to themselves around the nurse’s station, which was unmanned. I felt so sad as I left Mom there, after sitting with her for dinner. I’m not sure why the nursing home bothers me more than the hospital. There are so many similarities.

I know a part of me wonders if Mom will ever check out of the facility I have placed her in and return home. Mom was the one adamant about not returning home yet; she’s not even able to walk around on her own with a walker yet. So I don’t have guilt about that, it’s just that all of these facilities are so woefully understaffed. I know my mom will be waiting for help and it will take forever for someone to respond.

Perhaps my dad was the lucky one. He was less aware of being neglected.

At least I hope he was.

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July 16, 2012 · 10:21 pm

Dad’s trucking buddies

As I’ve mentioned before, Dad was always a blue-collar worker, and proud Teamsters member. I stumbled upon this photo of dad posing with a group of his co-workers. (Dad is second from the right.)

Dad looks pretty handsome as he was probably in his late 40’s or early 50’s when this photo was taken. He kept his dark shock of hair for quite a long time, only allowing Mom to “touch it up” when he retired a decade or so later.

Dad posing with his trucking buddies. (He’s second from the right.)

At one time, Dad could have named every buddy in this photo. Now they are just faces in a photograph, many probably deceased like my father. Often we bond so closely with co-workers, only to drift apart as we move along in life. It’s all part of the process, but I see my dad as a strong, vital man in this photo and wish it could all be real once again.

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July 15, 2012 · 9:19 pm

Dad in tights

Well, I never thought I’d see my dad wearing tights, but I unearthed this treasure of a photo recently. Mom had mentioned that Dad had done some “Shakespeare in the park” or other community theatre when he first came to Los Angeles. I guess she was right, because now I have photographic evidence!

My dad in all of his tights-wearing glory!

There is no caption on the back, so I don’t know anything about what play it was, or what year it was, but it looks like Dad is taking his community theatre role seriously!

So he didn’t become a Hollywood star, but there was more to my dad than I ever knew when he was alive.

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July 14, 2012 · 6:52 pm

Dad’s mystery trip

I came across more old photos of Dad while staying at Mom’s house. I thought this one was pretty interesting. I have no idea where or when it was taken. There’s definitely a feel of the southwestern U.S. or Mexico, with a cactus spotted in the background. It appears to be some kind of sightseeing trip with a couple of his pals.

Dad (on the left) with a couple of pals on a trip.

The story of the trip is lost forever, but I have the image of my young and handsome Dad exploring new places, an interesting snapshot of the man who existed long before I was born.

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July 13, 2012 · 9:07 pm

Losing pieces of dignity

My mom had a pretty good day. She started rehab and took a few steps, so that was important. I remember how difficult it was for Dad to get up out of the hospital bed after he had been bedridden for a week. He never walked on his own again.

Mom had her catheter taken out today, which is also a good sign. However, instead of putting a diaper on her, they just put a pad on her. Before the surgery, she was able (with assistance) to move from the bed to the chair-toilet at her bedside. Now, post-surgery, she is too weak to do that. She ended up wetting herself a couple of times today.

Finally, they wised up and put a diaper on her. I never thought I would say I was happy to have my parents wearing diapers, but in this case, it’s the lesser of two evils. Mom still remembers wrestling with Dad to get his diapers on him when he still lived at home but was already suffering from mid-stage dementia.

Mom is a model patient, so no fighting from her.

Still, it’s scary and amazing how quickly one can lose control over their basic bodily functions. For Mom, a diaper is more dignified than not wearing one and wetting herself. It’s these small but important details that are sometimes overlooked when caring for the elderly.

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July 12, 2012 · 9:55 pm

A tour no one wants to take

So it’s pretty clear that Mom won’t be able to go back home immediately after discharging from the hospital. She’s going to need some skilled nursing care, in a safe, secure environment. If we were rich (maybe if Mom had won a million dollars instead of $100K) I would gladly hire a private nurse to stay with my mom 24/7. But that’s not the case. Mom is a bit confused and thinks she can stay at the hospital indefinitely. The hospital will be booting her out as soon as she meets the minimum requirements for discharge. So she’s okay with staying in a facility for now, because even she understands she’s not in shape to go home just yet.

So today was the tour of skilled nursing facilities, aka nursing homes. It’s a depressing journey, but at least there is only three in town to look at. With Dad, he was simply placed in one that had availability, so we didn’t do a tour of them, but I couldn’t help but think of Dad as the facility representative mentioned the special unit for dementia patients. I saw a bit of Dad in many of the patients that were parked in the corner of a hallway, or eating listlessly in the dining room. There were also some residents that were ambling about quite well and were friendly. And then there were a couple that were screaming. It’s all part of the typical nursing home environment, and it’s where Dad spent the last year of his life.

I don’t want the same fate for Mom. She will be going into short-term care, with the plan being to get her strong and stable enough to return home with a minimal amount of supervision. Mom is tough, and loves her independence. She’s also good at following directions, something Dad of course could not do due to his dementia. So I have hope that this move will be a positive one, and that she will be out of the skilled nursing facility in a week or two.

Home. That is the goal.

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July 11, 2012 · 10:42 pm

The diagnosis

So Mom has colon cancer. It wasn’t unexpected news, but hearing it from the doctor makes it very real. The good news is that they were able to surgically remove the tumor, and it had only spread to one lymph node. And right now, Mom has a major surgery recovery to focus on. The cancer will do what it must until Mom is strong enough to fight it.

Mom is tougher than she looks!

As one gets older, it seems that life often comes down to one diagnosis or another. I remember worrying so much about Dad when he had to be whisked away in the ambulance with stomach issues not so different from my mom’s. His turned out to be a fairly benign gallstone. But there was no surgery or cure for the disease robbing him of his mind. Over the course of the last year of his life, he was diagnosed with a medley of infections, and taken on numerous ER visits for falls. Like many elderly, it was the pneumonia that put him closest to death’s door. His body, weakened by the infection, eventually shut down.

The doctors are keeping a close eye on Mom and are trying to help her avoid pneumonia at all costs. Of course I see her weakened, frail body and can’t help but be reminded of Dad. But Mom still has her spirit, and her sense of humor, which sadly Dad lost due to his dementia. I hope this means Mom will have a better chance at getting and staying on the road to recovery.

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July 10, 2012 · 10:30 pm

One day at a time

The doctor stopped by to visit my mom today. She’s still recovering pretty well, but the doctor is waiting on a few signs to happen before moving her to the medical floor, and then back home. The road to recovery always has stops and starts. There’s a plan for the day, but things don’t always go as planned.

When Dad had his emergency gallstone surgery, there was no returning home for him. His mental decline, along with his weakened body, made returning home impossible. He went to a skilled nursing facility, then an assisted living facility.

For Mom, the plan has always been to return home. And I believe that will happen, but I also think she will need more care than the home health service may be able to provide. As to be expected, major surgery takes a lot out of an older person. I have to accept Mom may never regain that spring in her step.

Or maybe she will surprise us all and come back strong. I hope for her sake she can stay as independent as she can for as long as she’s able to comfortably. With Dad, placing him in an assisted care environment was different, because he had lost sense of what home was. Mom still knows, and while she is the model patient, I don’t think she would be happy in a group home environment.

But as the doctor said today: “One day at at time.” It’s good advice, yet hard to follow.

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