Each year I share a post about the dangers of heat when it comes to our elder loved ones. Here in Atlanta we are facing a heat advisory this week with temperatures in the mid-90s and high humidity. What’s miserable for some of us can be dangerous for those who are older or have certain health conditions.
In addition to having adequate cooling options such as air conditioning, staying properly hydrated is critical. Drinking enough liquids is something older people can struggle with, which surprised me, but I saw the behavior with my own parents. I also saw how being dehydrated could change one’s cognitive functioning in a significant way. I thought my mother was developing dementia but it turned out she was dehydrated and her sodium levels were out of balance. It was remarkable how quickly she regained her mental functions once she received saline fluids in the hospital.
Water by itself can be boring to some people, so keep in mind that all fluids count. There are also plenty of flavored, unsweetened or low-sugar beverage options on the market now that make staying hydrated more enjoyable. I enjoy flavored sparkling water, and Hint makes flavored still water. You can also buy a wide range of flavored powders to add to water or other beverages that support hydration and can provide additional nutrients. Products like Jelly Drops deliver a hydration boost and are popular with elders.
If you are experiencing a heat wave in your area, check on elder loved ones to make sure they have the support they need to remain comfortable and safe.
Happy Father’s Day. The Memories Project was started in memory of my father. As a baby, I was definitely daddy’s little girl. As I grew older, I gravitated towards my mother as I spent most of my time with her. Dad worked the swing shift so once I started school, our schedules didn’t overlap much. I moved halfway across the country for college and so Dad and I never had the chance to reconnect on a deeper level.
Alzheimer’s is a cruel reminder of what you’ve lost of a loved one before they are actually gone from this world.
Fortunately I have photos and cards and recordings of my father singing to me when I was a baby so I will always remember that special father-daughter bond we had.
Hope you are able to spend time with your father today or find comfort in the memories.
I came across a documentary series by Peter Murphy Lewis who was recently profiled on Being Patient. He candidly admits to “making a documentary out of guilt.” He was in another country working when his beloved grandfather, who had dementia, died.
“We treat the buildings where our elders live as places of “sadness,” which inadvertently devalues the people who work there. It turns a noble calling into an invisible job,” Lewis said. His goal with the project is to shine a light on those workers who care for our elder loved ones.
My own family caregiving experience followed a similar road. I was in another state, working, when my father died from Alzheimer’s complications. I too remember getting that dreaded call while on the job. I also experienced a deep amount of guilt that I was mostly a long-distance caregiver. And similar to Lewis, that guilt inspired the birth of a creative project about caregiving. In my case, it’s the blog that you are reading right now, The Memories Project.
If you find yourself weighed down by guilt after the loss of a loved one, consider ways you can honor your loved one’s memory with your own unique skillset. It doesn’t have to be a public project. I know of people who have created a memorial garden in their backyard. It could also be a conscious lifestyle choice: to spend more quality time with family, to travel more, to take up a new hobby or reconnect with an old friend.
Everyone moves through the grief process in their own way. For some, embarking on such a project can bring some meaning and closure to one of the most difficult events a person can experience.
I write a lot about the high cost of Alzheimer’s care, because I feel it’s vital that society understands just how expensive such specialized care is and how little government support there is to help middle-class families pay for it. I’m sharing this post from Mary K. Doyle who writes about her husband’s Alzheimer’s experience and outlines the costs involved whether one tries to care for their loved one at home or places them in a memory care facility.
As Doyle suggests, the best time to plan for such medical decisions is early in the Alzheimer’s journey. I wrote in The Reluctant Caregiver about the consequences of my parents not being prepared after my father experienced a medical emergency and could not be returned home due to his advanced Alzheimer’s disease. These are tough conversations to have, but being able to make such decisions while your loved one still is able to contribute their wishes is a true gift, and will give you some peace of mind as you navigate care options later down the road.
Death has a way of warping time. While 11 years doesn’t feel that long to me, it does seem like my mother died in a different era. For me, her death was the end of normal times, and the decade that has followed has ushered in a world I barely recognize.
As those who have experienced loss of a loved one knows, grief is not linear. It moves in unpredictable waves. Another way of describing it is “growing around grief.”
My mother doesn’t visit me that often in dreams but one way I feel her presence is each year, around the time of the anniversary of her death, the butterfly bush I planted in her honor begins to bloom.
Mother’s Day stirs a mixed range of emotions for me, as it does for many whose mothers are no longer alive. As I wrote about in The Reluctant Caregiver, my mother and I often did not see eye to eye. Yet there is a bond that can never be broken. I took my first breath in her presence, and she took her last breath in my presence.
I was getting my hair cut yesterday, and out of nowhere, I thought about one of the last photos ever taken of my mother, which was at the hair salon. How she even managed to get out of the house in the pain she was in, I don’t fully comprehend, but she loved to have her hair done.
She was gone two months later.
For those who are grieving this Mother’s Day, I hope you are able to find some comfort and peace through memories and reflections.
Happy Easter to those who celebrate. It was one of the few times of the year Mom got to dress me up in a frilly dress, which I hated. I can still remember the way that little white purse smelled, like new plastic, because I hardly ever used it.
In spite of the dreaded costume and picture time, I retain a fondness for Easter. I enjoyed putting together an Easter basket and coloring eggs. I was definitely a fan of Easter candy, from chocolate eggs to jelly beans. Sometimes we’d attend an Easter egg hunt at the park.
I do appreciate my mother putting effort into making each holiday special. Those childhood memories are among my happiest.
To kick off the year I had to repipe my home, something I had been dreading and putting off for several years. I had a lot of old galvanized pipes that had been there well before I purchased the property in 2005. For years I had been patching leaks; sometimes the would rust/corrode over which bought me a bit more time but made me recoil at the idea of the water quality coming through these ancient pipes.
It was one of those home improvement projects that hung over me like a dark cloud. I’m not a procrastinator, quite the opposite, but the cost of an entire home repipe is astronomical. It’s one of those projects you hope to put off until you get some kind of windfall, but let’s face it, that rarely happens in life. Same thing with caregiving situations; a medical crisis doesn’t wait until you have a nice rainy day fund.
Even though home improvement and caregiving may seem to have little in common, I did find that some of my prior caregiving skills and experience came in handy. Initially I had a similar sense of intense dread about this project as I did about caregiving, but once I’m committed, I’m all in.
Researching topics I know little about gives me some sense of control I crave in these types of situations. My researching abilities are my strength and organizing price quotes, materials, and methods for my plumbing project reminded me of how I researched care options for my parents.
Flexibility is not one of my strengths but required in both home improvement and caregiving situations. There is always a level of uncertainty involved and one has to steel themselves for unexpected outcomes. Admittedly, I thrive on order and structure; I’m a deliberate decision maker and don’t like making spur of the moment decisions. But I find that I’m able to adapt when necessary. I learned to dread the knock on my bedroom door when the plumbers came across the unexpected and needed my input, such as tile behind the shower wall, and an ancient cast iron tub inside the tub I’d been using for the past 20+ years! But I pushed through, just as I did with making caregiving decisions.
Another area where I found similarity between home improvement and caregiving is having to rely upon other’s opinions and advice. As an independent person, this is a challenge for me to be “needy” even though I was certainly paying a high price tag for plumbing expertise. With caregiving, I felt a similar helplessness, relying upon the medical expertise of strangers who I hoped had the best interests of my parents in mind. I will say I gained an entirely new appreciation for plumbers and the technical expertise they have.
Co-existing with a house full of strangers and the constant noise that ensued was another challenge. I work remotely so there was a high level of disruption for a few days. I was concerned about how my senior dog Murphy would do, as he’s not fond of strangers in the house. Would he bark nonstop for hours on end? I made sure I had my noise-canceling headphones fully charged. Funny enough, Murphy slept through all of the drilling and hammering and only barked when he heard people on the stairs. I also was concerned about the cats escaping outside, as the plumbers at one point had to access the room I was keeping them enclosed in but fortunately they stayed put. Ironically, I got even more work done than normal because I didn’t want to be in the plumbers’ way so I stayed glued to my desk.
Once the repiping was done, I had to bring in another service to fix the tile damage. By the time I got quotes and service scheduled, I had been staring at my nice new shower for over two weeks but unable to use it. Then there was a missing part of the shower trim that I had to order and have the plumbers come back and install. In total, I went almost an entire month without a proper shower. (At least I had a nice new sink to do sink baths. And also good thing it’s winter and I live alone.) After the shower tile renovation was completed, I had to repaint a bit, add waterproofing, and re-do the floor tile. In fact, I just finished today one of the final steps, about six weeks after the project got started.
Yes, I finally had a bath! Celebrate the small wins, just like in caregiving.
I’m relieved to have nice, new plumbing and everything is working well, but after all of the effort and astronomical cost, it does feel a bit anticlimactic. Caregiving can feel like that sometimes; my mother slowly recovered from cancer surgery and then one day she was independently living again but there wasn’t a definitive winning moment. Life just moves on, one way or another.
A new toilet and sink aren’t sexy, but it does make one appreciate the basic necessities of domestic life more.
Finally, home renovation and caregiving have another thing in common: they are both expensive! I half-joke that I should start a GoFundMe but instead, I will link to my books, if you’d like to contribute to my unofficial plumbing expense fundraiser: The Reluctant Caregiver | Slow Dog.
Happy New Year! I hope you and your family had a good and relaxing holiday season.
My family wasn’t big on making new year resolutions, but my mother did cultivate habits when it came to expanding her knowledge. For years, she would open a dictionary each day and read a word and its definition. When I was younger, I thought it was a bit of a quirky but admirable habit. Now, I work in a field where I monitor how popular content is in online search and I was a bit surprised to find that a consistent top performer is “word of the day.” If Mom was still around, she wouldn’t need to lug a heavy dictionary from the shelf, she could just click an app on her phone.
While I may not be a word of the day follower, I did inherit my mother’s curiosity streak. I’m constantly searching for insights and educating myself on a wide range of topics. Some people become experts in particular niches but I tend to gravitate towards learning a little about a wide variety of topics, and then dedicating more time to a few areas for a deep dive. I can’t imagine not continuing to learn throughout my life; I can honestly say I’ve learned more by just living than I ever did in school. Not that a educational foundation isn’t important, it’s more about continuing to grow and evolve your knowledge base over time.
Wishing you and your family a holiday filled with love.
For those of us grieving the loss of a loved one this holiday season, may you find some sense of peace and solace in honoring your loved one’s memory in a way that is meaningful to you. For me, that is looking at photos from my childhood. I created a virtual snow globe featuring a photo of my parents at Christmas.
Remember the caregivers in your life, and if possible, offer to pick up a task so that they don’t feel overwhelmed this holiday season and can carve out a bit of self-care time. Respite care comes in many forms.
Need a last-minute gift? E-books make a great gift. Smashwords is running the 2025 End of Year Sale through Jan. 1. You can get the e-book version of my award-winning personal essay collection, The Reluctant Caregiver, for half-off.
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