Category Archives: Memories

February 21, 2016 · 3:26 pm

Dreaming of the dead

Today marks nine months since my mom died. It’s hard to believe that I’m already coming up on the one-year anniversary.

Certainly, life marches forward and I have been propelled forward with it, but I still think of my mother daily, and often, it is about those last tough years when she battled illness, and not of the better times.

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Skyro/Freeimages

I’m writing essays about the caregiving experience so it doesn’t surprise me that these thoughts are in my head. This week, I had a vivid dream about Mom, in which she was very much alive. I first saw her in a bathtub, and it was a bit scary for a moment, a la that scene from The Shining. But the dream didn’t take a nightmarish turn after that. Mom just kept popping up, alive and well, and I was puzzled and felt the need to keep her hidden.

I read a bit about what a tub can symbolize in a dream, and a lot of it made sense. One site said that it can symbolize emotional instability, vulnerability and the ups and downs of life. A bath can also symbolize a cleansing, both literally and figuratively.

Another major takeaway from the bathtub symbol in dreams is that it means one needs to let go of a burden they have been carrying. It can mean the need to shake off troubles and relax.

Hmm, okay subconscious mind, I get the hint! I’m going on a week’s vacation soon.

I’d be curious to know about any significant dreams you’ve had while grieving, or any dreams you’ve had about dead relatives. I find dream analysis fascinating.

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February 8, 2016 · 5:32 pm

Salt of the earth

Unfortunately, I never was able to meet either set of my grandparents in person. Technically, my mother was pregnant with me when my parents paid a visit to my mother’s family farm in Tennessee. She didn’t know at the time that it would be the last time she would see her beloved mother alive.

Of course, my mother was full of childhood stories, and she adored both of her parents. Her dad was more stern, a hardworking farmer who supported a large family on the fruits of his labor while being a diabetic, which was much harder to medically manage at the time. He worked until his dying day.

grandparents

Her mother was equally hardworking, helping in the fields and managing the household. She was an amazing cook and helped keep the peace with eight children with her kind heart and patience.

One of my favorite stories that my mother told about her parents was when grandpa tried to get rid of a farm dog that wasn’t pulling its weight when it came to herding. He tried to take Scott up into the hills and abandon him in the woods, but the dog returned, with bloody paws, determined to remain part of the family. Grandma intervened on behalf of old Scott and grandpa backed down, sparing the lazy but loving dog’s life. Mom certainly adopted grandma’s love of animals.

Both parents had a good sense of humor as well, which my mother certainly inherited. That’s why I love this photo, one of the few I have of my maternal grandparents together. Grandpa is letting just a hint of a smile cross his face, while looking pretty satisfied, and grandma is laughing with pure joy.

Simple people, with love of family and life.

 

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February 1, 2016 · 3:03 pm

The teacher’s pet

I don’t know much about my father’s school days, other than his story about the nuns in the Catholic school rapping the knuckles of kids with a ruler if they misbehaved. I’m not sure how much my father learned during those years, but as an adult, he was always educating himself through his lifelong love of reading.

My mother enjoyed her school days. Perhaps that was because school wasn’t a given for farm families living in rural communities near the Great Smoky mountains. Many kids were pulled out early or for periods of time to help with the crops. My grandparents did not consider education to be a luxury and instilled the importance of learning in their children. My mother was an eager student and was forever grateful that her parents supported her desire for a good education.

Mom school

Just like you would read in a book, my mom’s early school days consisted on a “one-room” schoolhouse that had different corners for each grade. It was a very different educational experience than the massive schools that kids attend nowadays.

A teacher asked my mother if she wanted to pose for a photo project, and she agreed. My mother always received top marks on penmanship, and she liked this photo because it illustrates prominently that she was left-handed. My grandmother was apparently punished for showing left-handed tendencies when she began school, as it was considered to be “evil” so she was forced to adapt to writing right-handed.

Mom’s love of writing continued throughout her life, as she loved to pen letters to friends and family. She also used “old school” ways to keep learning as an adult, such as opening the dictionary to a random word she was not familiar with to expand her vocabulary. I remember her doing this daily as a child.

Perhaps that is where I got my love for words!

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January 26, 2016 · 8:07 pm

Don’t forget to document your passcodes

I cannot stress enough how important this is, whether it is parents/children or another close relationship. This is even more crucial when dementia is involved. Make sure to securely document account login information offline and online. Trying to gain access after a loved one is gone is a real pain, believe me. Kay offers excellent resources as well!

Source: Don’t forget to document your passcodes

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January 13, 2016 · 10:02 pm

Mom featured in fun Navy profile

Mom enjoyed her brief stint in the Navy. She only served three years, but she spent the rest of her life talking about her experiences in the armed forces.

I always thought Mom’s fun-loving nature seemed contradictory to the serious activity of serving in the military, but Mom’s perfectionist ways made her a good recruit. However, she did squeeze in a bit of fun, as this lighthearted portrait in a Navy publication illustrates.

Mom Wave profile

Mom was photographed for a two-page centerfold feature in the July 26, 1963, edition of the Seahorse newspaper. Titled, “A Typical Day in the Life of a NavSta Wave,” the text that accompanies the photos says, “Janie Kyker, HM3, has been aboard U.S. Naval Station Long Beach for two years. A native of Tennessee, Janie finds life in the Navy exciting and challenging. Happily for Janie – and the lucky sailors pictured here – life in the Navy isn’t all work. In addition to her duties at the Station dispensary, Janie manages to find plenty of recreation aboard the Station. As the pictures show, life is anything but dull!”

mom navy ice cream parlor

Mom is photographed in nine images, following her from getting ready to begin her busy day to breakfast in the galley, work and then some fun activities, in the form of ping pong, pool, enjoying an ice cream soda with a couple of sailors and shopping. There was an outtake which included her dancing with a sailor. Mom kept the original photos and a copy of the newspaper, which is in good condition.

Mom was quite proud of the photo shoot. A couple of things that I found interesting was that she was referred to as “Janie” which I don’t remember my mom being called. She preferred Jane, “plain Jane” as she always said. Maybe because it was a fluff piece they went with a nickname, instead of the formal Kyker (her maiden name) or her legal first name which she never liked: Eleanor.

I also was fascinated by the Chow Call section in the paper, which featured that week’s menu. I feel bad for anyone who liked vegetables at the time. The menu was a carnivore’s delight. Breakfast: Broiled pork sausage links, fried and scrambled eggs; Lunch (which they referred to as Dinner): Southern fried chicken; Supper: Bar-B-Q spareribs, Bar-B-Q ground beef. Wow, that’s a lot of meat! Maybe that’s why Mom was practically a vegetarian later in life.

 

 

 

 

 

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January 6, 2016 · 8:04 pm

Dad: ‘TV is for my dog’

One of the great treasures I came across as I was doing one of the final sweeps of my parents’ condo after Mom passed was the discovery of a scrapbook.

Dad didn’t seem to be the scrapbooking type, but I can only assume he was the one who collected his letters to the editors of various newspapers across the country. Perhaps Mom collected them, but some of these letters go back to well before my parents met. At any rate, it’s a neat collection, albeit only half-full.

Most of my father’s letters were very serious in nature, mainly about the conflict in Ireland during the 1960s and 1970s, the Vietnam War and crime. But my dad did have a good sense of humor.

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He wrote one letter titled, “TV Is for My Dog.” In it, he bemoans America’s obsession with television programming, an ailment he nicknames “TVitis.” Dad writes that he dreads going to work on Mondays because  everyone will be talking about the weekend’s TV programming, like the Ed Sullivan Show or Candid Camera, and all of that bores him to tears.

Dad proudly declares that he doesn’t watch TV, and only listens to the radio and reads books. Dad says he only turns on the TV for his dog, who likes to watch Lassie.

Of course, my dad eventually did give in to the TV bug, and ended up enjoying quite a bit of television, from The Three Stooges to The Twilight Zone and The Tonight Show Starring Johnny Carson.

But my favorite line is about the dog. Dad never had a dog, but it’s still a funny line.

If watching less television was one of your new year resolutions, my dad would approve.

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December 31, 2015 · 6:23 pm

Lifting spirits as new year approaches

I know this has been a tough year for many of you who read my blog. We’ve had personal losses near and dear to our hearts. Thanks to all of those who read my posts and sent encouraging words, it is much appreciated. I hope for all of us a happier 2016.

After working a crazy month of overnight shifts, I ended up with a nice chunk of time off. If I’d known ahead of time, I could’ve planned a trip to Europe, but it being last minute, I considered closer-to-home options.

Then I realized I never made it to New Orleans.

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Many years ago, back in college, we drove through there, lost some money at the casino, and drove on. But ever since I found the letter in my dad’s belongings from The Roosevelt Hotel, proving that he worked there, I have wanted to visit the city and stay at the hotel. I decided to take the train, to give myself extra time to read and write.

Dad Roosevelt Hotel letter

I had an enjoyable trip and The Roosevelt is certainly a hotel to visit, especially at Christmas. I also got to do something in honor of my mom, which was to visit the butterfly garden at the Audubon Insectarium. It was beautiful, and to be surrounded by so many live butterflies was breathtaking. Mom would have loved it so much, and I have to believe that if reincarnation exists, she’s there, making the young and old alike smile.

I’m not big on resolutions, but while in New Orleans I had my oracle read (I also stopped in a church to light candles for my parents so I covered my spiritual bases.) Anyways, I don’t necessarily believe or disbelieve in oracle readings, it’s all just information to consider. The woman told me that I’ve been making little changes to my routine, and that I should continue to do that in the new year, as chance encounters may lead to greater insights.

And the truth is, I have been changing my routine. Ever since Mom died, I wanted to avoid getting into a rut. I wanted to try and appreciate each and every day more, and expose myself to new experiences. Not all of these were particularly exciting endeavors (working the graveyard shift) but certainly it offered a new way of looking how I organize my life what my priorities are.

So I will prod myself to keep experiencing the world in new ways, even if it’s just taking a different route home. There is much to gain even in the most mundane of activities.

If you have goals for the new year, I would love to hear about them.

 

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December 22, 2015 · 8:01 am

A bittersweet Christmas week, with gift of hope

This week was a double whammy for me, as not only did I mark the fourth anniversary of my father’s death on Dec. 20th, yesterday marked seven months since Mom died. Somber anniversaries just before Christmas.

mom final xmas card

Mom’s last Christmas card to me.

While I think of my parents daily, I honestly let the 20th slip by without officially marking my father’s death anniversary. Four years out, there is naturally some healing and closure. I know this will eventually happen with how I feel about my mom as well.

Just after Christmas, I am paying my father tribute by visiting New Orleans. I will be taking the train, one of my dad’s favorite modes of transportation (after a boat.) I will be staying at the Roosevelt Hotel where my dad worked for a brief time.

My dad never provided a great deal of detail about his time in New Orleans, but when he did speak of the city, he spoke of it fondly. I’ve been once before, but was just passing through. I look forward to reconnect with one of my dad’s old stomping grounds, when he was a young and carefree man.

I also hope that being “stuck” on the train will free up time for me to focus on writing.

For the other bloggers out there dealing with loss or illness this holiday season, I send along thoughts of peace and comfort.

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December 15, 2015 · 5:43 pm

Tree of memories

Each year, it seems that there is another memorial ornament to hang on the Christmas tree.

Welcome to middle age, I guess.

Xmas tree 2015

The top of this year’s tree is loaded with memorial ornaments and pet collars of departed pets. While the sheer number of the dearly departed is a bit shocking, I don’t mind that the Christmas tree has become a memorial tree of sorts.

It’s a nice way to reflect on those we shared so many holidays with, and who will always hold a special place in our hearts.

Do you hang memorial ornaments or otherwise honor the departed during your holiday celebrations?

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December 8, 2015 · 9:02 am

In support of tough women

I stumbled upon this photo of my mom and my aunt Helen, and it made me laugh out loud. I’m not sure if they were trying to look mean or not, but they look like two tough gals you wouldn’t want to mess with!

mom aunt helen

 

My aunt Helen preceded my mom in death by about a year. She was tough. She had survived cancer, back when Cobalt was the primary treatment method and it apparently had brutal side effects. Helen soldiered on, raised a family, took care of her husband (my mom’s brother) when he was diagnosed with prostate cancer and outlived him to a ripe old age. Even though she was afflicted with painful conditions as she neared the end of her life, she continued to travel the country and Canada with her family.

Born in the 1920s and 1930s, Aunt Helen and my mom knew tough work from a young age, but they also knew the love of a strong family.

Aunt Helen and my mom grew closer as they grew older, no doubt because they outlived many of the other members of the family. But the two also could talk for hours, with Aunt Helen serving as my mom’s eyes and ears back home in Newport, Tennessee where most of her family lived.

It was a big loss for my mom when Aunt Helen died, as she lost a key connection to her family. Younger generations prefer to text or email, something my mother never did. The phone grew silent.

Now I feel the same way with Mom gone, and the silent phone. I don’t miss it ringing to be honest, but the severed connection cannot be replaced. At least I have this outtake photo, showing the toughness and sense of humor our family have.

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