Tag Archives: grief

Finding the rainbow as a caregiver

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Pixabay

It can be hard for some caregivers to find moments of joy in their daily lives. Optimism can be in short supply when one is coping with loved ones in declining health. Mental, emotional and physical exhaustion leave little time for self-reflection or appreciation of the world around us. For those like myself who naturally lean on the pessimistic side, it’s easy to allow the clouds of despair to smother us like a blanket.

What I discovered is that even after one’s caregiving days are behind them, those clouds can linger. Having experienced such moments of despair, we live in fear of those days returning in one form or another. But by doing that, we may fail to recognize the beauty and the wonder that has always existed, even in our darkest days.

I was reminded of this while listening to “Golden Hour,” the new album by the critically-acclaimed country music artist Kacey Musgraves. The closing song of the album is titled, “Rainbow,” and its heartfelt message is for anyone who has gone through troubled times. I think many caregivers could relate. The chorus goes:

Well the sky is finally open, the rain and wind stopped blowin’
But you’re stuck out in the same old storm again
You hold tight to your umbrella, darlin’ I’m just tryin’ to tell ya
That there’s always been a rainbow hangin’ over your head

I know springtime has yet to reach some parts of the country, but here in Atlanta, everything is blooming and the birds are singing. My mother died during the spring so the season is now tinged with sadness. But I’m going to work on loosening my grip on the umbrella, so I don’t miss out on what the present has to offer.

If you’ve been a caregiver, have you dealt with the “waiting for the other shoe to drop” mentality? How did you learn to live in the present more?

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The eyeglass whisperer

One of the toughest moments during the frenetic cleanup of my parents’ condo just after my mother’s death was what to do with her eyeglass collection.

My mother’s many eyeglasses were laid out neatly atop the dresser, where she always kept them. Each pair of glasses had its purpose.

mom eyeglasses

A routine trip to the grocery store required three pairs: sunglasses, a pair for walking and a pair for reading coupons and expiration dates. Whenever I was with her, I was expected to know which pair she needed at any given time. I became her eyeglass whisperer, though to be honest, I never did figure out what all of the pairs were for.

She did try bifocals at one point, but hated them. “I feel like a chicken trying to pick up corn,” Mom complained.

So as I moved around the condo in a whirlwind, using the activity to temporarily blunt the grief, my mom’s eyeglass collection brought me to a halt. She had not worn any of the glasses for weeks, since she had become bedridden. While I was purging the condo of many items, I wasn’t ready to part with her glasses. Instead, I put them each in a case and then into a box, which I mailed back home to Atlanta.

I had some hazy notion of turning them into a sort of tribute piece. The glasses sat in the box in a closet for almost three years, when I finally decided it was time to do something with them. I found an appropriate shadowbox and created a simple display of the glasses my mother used most.

The display is now on my bedroom wall, and I’m pleased with the results.

Have you come up with any unusual memorials for loved ones? I would love to hear about them.

 

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Coping with the difficult emotions of caregiving

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Photo by John Meyer/Freeimages

Caregiving is a tough task, both physically and emotionally. There are many emotions that can arise while one is a caregiver, and many are not pleasant. However, it is important to recognize, acknowledge and process these feelings. Caring.com offers an excellent article, The 7 Deadly Emotions of Caregiving: How to Cope.

The 7 emotions the article focuses on includes:

  • Guilt
  • Resentment
  • Anger
  • Worry
  • Loneliness
  • Grief
  • Defensiveness

The article explains how these emotions arise while caregiving, the risks that come with these feelings and most importantly, what you can do about it. Many caregivers will find the above list familiar; some of us will experience one emotion more than another. For my mother, it was loneliness and worry; for me, it was worry, guilt and resentment.

I think it is important as caregivers to acknowledge what we feel, and equally as important to figure out how to best process these emotions so we don’t damage our own physical and mental well-being.

What caregiving emotions do you feel most consumed by, and how do you cope?

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Marking 2 years since Mom died

Mom school

It’s hard to believe it has been two years since my mother died. The world seems like such a different place, even though two years is but a speck over the course of history.

While merely coincidence, Mom’s death seemed to send the universe into a chaotic spiral. I feel like I’m living in perpetual survival mode, just like I did when I was a caregiver.  Mom’s eternal optimism would have been sorely tested over the last year or so.

The grief is less oppressive and not as constant at this point, but it continues to lurk in the dark alleys of my mind, popping out like a villain in a movie from time to time. The “should’ve, would’ve, could’ve” mantra hasn’t been silenced quite yet, but I’ve been able to turn down the volume on the second-guessing for the most part.

Just like in this photo of Mom, I will spend the day writing. She always loved this photo, which appeared in the yearbook. Mom took her education seriously, which wasn’t always a given for farm families when crops could trump classes. I inherited a similar love of learning from both of my parents, which is a precious gift that I use every day.

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What is a Memory Bear?

I couldn’t resist sharing this post from Bonnie, who makes the beautiful Memory Bears. This bear could have been made for my Dad, he was the ultimate Notre Dame fan!

As the holidays approach, those who are dealing with the loss of a loved one may be seeking a symbol of comfort and remembrance. A Memory Bear would make a lovely gift.

If you have recommendations on other thoughtful gift ideas for those who are grieving, I would love to hear about them.

As a child, remember holding that favorite teddy bear close to you. What a comforting affect teddy had on us. Memory Bears are very similar. A memory bear is made from your loved ones favorite clothing. Standing 22″ tall, a memory bear is soft and cuddly and just right to hold and hug as you […]

via What is a Memory Bear — Memory Bears by Bonnie

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Thinking of Mom on her birthday

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My mom on her 77th birthday.

Today would have been my mother’s 79th birthday.

Sometimes I still can’t believe that my father outlived my mother. He was 79 when he died.

It’s also hard to believe sometimes that just two years ago, I was celebrating her last birthday alive with her. I’m glad I made the trip, it’s not something I always did, but at least I did it when it counted the most.

After I passed the year mark of my mom’s death, it felt like a veil lifted. I’m more at peace now and less bombarded by flashbacks of her death and final months.

Today I will try to remember the good things: my mother’s corny but infectious sense of humor, that southern accent she never lost, her generous and kind spirit.

How do you mark the birthdays of those who are gone?

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Honoring the departed with gratitude

Today has been the day I have been eyeing on the calendar for quite some time. My mother died one year ago today.

It is hard for me to believe one year has passed since that moment that I dreaded so much, yet brought some peace and stability back to my life. I didn’t want my mother to die too soon, but even more so,  I didn’t want her to suffer.

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But today is not about mourning. I have done enough of that over the past year, and rightfully so. Today I decided to make about gratitude.

As I’ve mentioned previously, my mom always showered kindness and appreciation on those she encountered in her daily life, from the convenience store clerk to the shuttle driver to her doctor. But it was those in the service industry, those who are often overlooked or taken for granted, that my mother really connected with. Sure, sometimes I would internally roll my eyes when Mom would talk my ear off about how the her favorite convenience store clerk was having surgery on her knee and a granddaughter on the way.

But it floored me that when Mom was in the hospital recovering from surgery, not only would she remember the CNA’s name, but her granddaughter’s name as well and that the kid was going to be in a spelling bee. I couldn’t even remember the nursing assistant’s name!

So today, I visited local businesses in my community and handed out thank you cards. For whatever reason, I felt a little silly, but when I saw the smiles light up the faces of the employees, I felt good. I think Mom would be proud that her daughter is carrying on her torch of goodwill.

It’s still a work in progress, but here is a link to the scrapbook I started for my mother.

Mom’s scrapbook

Thank you, dear blogging friends and followers. Your support means so much to me.

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