Category Archives: Memories

July 5, 2015 · 9:27 pm

Brush with death while reflecting upon death

Today, while walking to the park, I was almost hit by a car. I had for the first time in my life the overwhelming fear at facing my own sudden demise.

The street I was crossing is a major road in my neighborhood, with one side being the beginning of the park. I was approaching from the other side, and was crossing at the crosswalk, which has a flashing light that by law requires cars to stop for any pedestrians.

crosswalk

Sadly, very few Atlanta drivers obey this law.

On top of that, all of the metal barriers were left up from the marathon that had been run the day before. I positioned myself in front of one of these barriers, and waited for the cars to either stop or clear the intersection before crossing.

Finally, a large SUV stopped for me. I could not see around it, but waved thanks to the driver and began crossing. That’s when I heard a horn honk, and the car behind the SUV pulled out and suddenly was barreling straight at me.

I froze, fully expecting to be struck by the car. I put my hand out, I guess hoping to launch myself on the hood instead of going under the wheels.

Fortunately, the impatient driver had good brakes. My hand landed on the hood of the car as it came to a halt.

To say the least, I was shaken. I had wanted to go for a long walk and brainstorm some of the ideas I have for essays about taking care of my mother. Instead I spent most of the time shaking off that brush with death.

I guess the takeaway is that you never know when you are leaving this world. It could be crossing a street you’ve crossed safely a hundred times in your neighborhood. Try to make each day as satisfying as possible.

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June 21, 2015 · 12:05 pm

A double whammy on Father’s Day

Not only is today Father’s Day, but it is also the one-month anniversary of my mother’s death. So both of my parents are weighing on my mind heavily today.

I can’t believe it has already been a month since Mom passed. Of course I think of her every day, but I especially thought of her when the tragedy in Charleston occurred. Mom was always so heartbroken to hear news like that. She truly could not understand why some people choose hate over love.

family pic

So just like with any death, life goes on, the good, the bad, and the ugly.

To honor my mom today, I’m getting my hair done, which was one of her favorite activities. She loved going to the salon, and sadly, she had to cancel her last appointment because she wasn’t feeling well.

To honor Dad on Father’s Day, I’m going to take a long walk in the park, one of his favorite activities.

How are you spending your Father’s Day?

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June 15, 2015 · 8:00 am

Mom’s final resting place a treasure trove of memories

I began searching for the perfect urn for my mother’s ashes even before she took her last breath. That may seem morbid, but putting energy into creating a memorial that would honor her life gave me something positive to embrace during those final dark days.

I scoured the Internet yet nothing was jumping out at me as ideal for Mom. I thought about getting the same urn that I had gotten for my father. It rotates and allows you to add multiple photos. I have received great comfort from the urn, which I filled with photos from Dad’s young bachelor days to the end of his life.

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Still, I wanted Mom’s final resting place to be unique. That’s when I stumbled upon Blocks from the Heart. (The following is not a solicited review, just my experience.)

Katie Patton is the artist that operates Blocks from the Heart. She offers memorials in a variety of formats, from blocks to memory poles and ornaments. She makes memorials for both humans and pets. She is great to work with, very responsive and determined to create a work of art worthy of your loved one.

I chose a keepsake box. I loved the idea of having 5 sides (including the top) to create a tribute to my mother’s life. It also was a challenge; how do you sum up your mother’s life in 5 ways?

On the top of box, Katie merged a glamour shot of my mother as a young woman with a poem that my mother had chosen before her death as a way to remember her. Then I paid homage to her being an animal lover with a childhood photo holding the beloved family dog, her Navy career, her glamorous side and finally, being a loving mother.

More images of my mom’s keepsake box can be seen on Facebook.

The results were amazing. I love the box and my only regret is that I didn’t create it while Mom was alive. I think she would have been thrilled and touched!

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June 8, 2015 · 8:04 am

Missing my mom to celebrate a piece of history

On Saturday evening, history was made, as American Pharoah won the Belmont and the coveted Triple Crown.

I know there is a great deal of controversy about horse racing as a sport, but for me, it reminds me of family.

After all, my parents met over horse racing results at a Los Angeles diner.

As a family, some of our best outings were to Hollywood Park (now closed) and Del Mar race tracks. My parents were relaxed, the weather was usually nice and yes, watching the horses run is quite an adrenaline rush.

Over the years, there have been many horses that have won the first two legs of the Triple Crown, only to disappoint fans by being unable to clinch that final victory at the Belmont. Last year, the same thing happened. My mom was so disappointed.

This year, the hype was the same or even greater. This was the year, this was the horse, the Triple Crown was going to happen.

My mom and I were able to watch the first race together, as she was in pain but lucid for the Kentucky Derby. She didn’t feel like getting out of bed so I streamed the race on my laptop and we watched it from her bed.

She loved American Pharoah.

By the time the Preakness came, Mom was pretty bad off. She was sleeping most of the time and not very aware when she was awake. I didn’t even watch the race, as I forgot to tune in while busy with caregiver duties.

So you can imagine my mixed emotions when the Belmont ran Saturday. I cheered loudly for American Pharoah, who made what other horses couldn’t do for 37 years look easy.

Embed from Getty Images

But there was also a deep pang in my heart that Mom just missed this glorious moment. She would have been thrilled. I watched my phone as it remained silent. She would have definitely called and talked my ear off about the race.

I hope somewhere, somehow, she was aware of the historic win, though honestly, these things probably do not matter in another life. Still, I like to believe that if she was given a bit of luck as she crossed over, she sprinkled some on American Pharoah.

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May 31, 2015 · 1:47 pm

Grief, relief and regret

As anyone knows who has lost a loved one, your grief doesn’t always progress through the designated stages like it’s described in books. Many of these self-help manuals make it clear that there is no one correct path, but it’s still something you have to experience for yourself to understand.

To all of you who left lovely comments, thank you so much. It does help to know you are not alone.

The first few days after my mother’s death were fueled by an adrenaline rush, to power through and focus on completing the necessary tasks. My goal was to get home as soon as possible.

Mom was a jokester, and would want to be remembered with smiles and laughter, not tears.

Mom was a jokester, and would want to be remembered with smiles and laughter, not tears.

I returned home and took a few days off from work to get settled in and recharge my batteries. I spent a lot of time receiving “purr therapy” from the cats. I went on walks. I got a massage.

Then I returned to work and the fast pace of my daily duties left me little time for reflection.

So here I am, 10 days after my mom’s death, and more than grief or sadness, I’ve experienced moments of relief and regret.

There is a sense of relief at how quiet my phone is now. Over the last year or so, I had talked to Mom daily on the phone, and over the last few months, she was calling me multiple times per day sometimes, usually to remark about her pain or lack of effective medication. I began to dread seeing her face when it would pop up on my phone, signaling a call from her.

Mom was about the only person to call me on the phone. (I prefer written communication whenever possible.) My battery has dipped low a couple of times, but I wasn’t frantic about making sure I was available by phone because at this moment, for the first time in several years, I am not managing the care of an ailing parent. There is relief in not feeling like I’m on call 24/7.

The regrets pop up in scenes played out from the last month, when I was taking care of Mom. I think what I can take away from these flashbacks is to not get so lost in the necessary caregiving tasks that you forget the simple things, like trying to make it possible for a loved one to enjoy a moment basking in the sunlight, or having a spoon of ice cream. There may be risks involved in trying to make a dying person happy, but looking back, they are risks I wish I had taken.

What lessons have you learned from grieving for a loved one?

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May 23, 2015 · 11:54 am

My mother can finally rest in peace

My mother died Thursday morning.

It was a tough last few weeks, and the last hours were frankly brutal.

I can only hope she wasn’t in as much discomfort as she seemed, despite being given copious medications for pain and anxiety.

Mom loved her time in the Navy.

Mom loved her time in the Navy.

The hospice nurses and myself kept assuring Mom that it was ok to let go when she was ready. I felt like there was some internal struggle going on in there, despite the fact that she told me repeatedly that she was ready to go and was not afraid of death. She certainly did not want to linger in the state she did, non-responsive, devoid of her lively and happy personality, unable to eat or drink, and completely dependent upon me and the nurses for every task of living.

Maybe Mom’s spirit was just fighting with her stubborn body, and that determined heart of hers. The hospice nurses were quite surprised that Mom continued to live, considering the state of the rest of her body, but her heart and vital signs continued to be good. I was afraid, for her sake and mine, that it would continue to beat strong for much longer than it did. I was at her bedside when she drew her last breath, and I felt her heart beat slow, weaken and then come to a complete stop.

As you loyal followers know, this blog exists in part over guilt I had about my dad’s death, and how I wasn’t present when he died. I know being here to take care of my mom, and being present for her passing was the right thing to do.

But of course, there is a high price to pay on a psychic level by experiencing something so intense as a loved one dying. There are things I wish I hadn’t seen, tasks I wish I didn’t have to do. Time will no doubt provide a different perspective on the experience.

The important thing for now is that Mom was well-taken care of and she did not die alone.

As for what was beyond this life, Mom often said that, “It’s a good place and it’s a right place.”

I hope she’s right.

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May 17, 2015 · 9:00 am

Playing the waiting game with Death

My mother’s health took a big turn for the worse this week.

The hospice nurse expects her to pass in days, maybe a week, though her heart is very strong, so she could last longer.

Mother's Day

Mother’s Day

For her sake, and mine, I hope that the suffering is not prolonged.

She is now totally bedridden, somewhat delirious and a new pain complaint has popped up the last two days. She now complains of severe head and neck pain. The nurse cannot figure out what may be causing it. It is unlikely that the colon cancer, if it has returned, spread to her brain, though it is a possibility.

But the morphine is not really touching the head pain, even when dosed hourly. She is so “zonked out” by the pain meds yet still is pointing to her head and grimacing. That is tough to watch.

Mom’s face has been taken over by that ghoulish death mask. Her eyes are starting to look beyond.

But her heart continues to beat hard and strong in her emaciated chest.

In one of her lucid moments, my mother asked what had happened to her. And to that, I had no good answer.

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May 10, 2015 · 10:47 pm

A medicated Mother’s Day

So far, the hospice-provided “comfort kit” has not brought my mother as much comfort as she had hoped.

pills

My mom had a false impression about morphine, after experiencing the temporary euphoria of the IV morphine given sometimes during emergency medical situations. I think Mom was hanging on to the idea that morphine was going to be this miracle drug that was going to magically remove her pain and let her get things done and bring back her appetite.

Well, we all know what morphine does, especially to an elderly, frail person like my mother. It knocked her on her butt, once we adjusted her dosage to effectively relieve the pain. Then she ended up getting a bit too much (even though she was still self-reporting pain as a 7) and ended up getting sick twice.

That was Saturday night. She did manage to sleep through the night, a rarity.

Today the hospice nurse visited and recommended we try Haldol. I had read some things about it (often used for mental health conditions like schizophrenia) but also read that it is a proven anti-nausea medication.

So I tried Mom on the lowest dose and that really knocked her for a loop! I am a naturally cautious person around medications, but it is still surprising to see the effects they can have on an individual. Mom was hardly able to walk and she was very groggy, but still in pain so she couldn’t really sleep.

Figuring out the correct dosage and cocktail of drugs is really trial and error, and when done in the home environment, is quite stressful.

I just put her to bed, giving her a small dose of morphine along with an Ativan, the latter which she has taken for years and tolerates well. This worked for her overnight, so I’m hoping we have found the right combination to relieve her pain and help her sleep without making her sick.

I hope for another quiet overnight period. Ironically, I still slept poorly last night, because I kept waking up to make sure Mom was okay.

If you have any medication tips or experiences to share, please do so below in the comments section.

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April 22, 2015 · 7:51 am

One of those weeks caregivers dread

Last Monday, I tried to call Mom but her line was busy. This is not that unusual, so I didn’t think too much about it. A few minutes later, I received a call from an unknown number. By the time I Googled it and saw that it was the Lifeline number, the call had gone to voice mail. I immediately called back without waiting for the message.

Mom had slipped off the bed and fallen. She fell on her butt, thankfully, but was still sore and shaken up. Fortunately, she was checked out by EMS and seemed ok, so no ER visit was necessary.

Still, I fear it is the beginning of the “no longer can live at home alone” phase. Mom’s done pretty well this past week, all things considered, but the tricky part for caregivers is knowing when to make these key decisions for a loved one’s care.

Beautiful Elle, RIP.

Beautiful Elle, RIP.

At the same time that was going on, our 16-year-old cat was rapidly declining. A cancerous lesion on the roof of her mouth meant she could no longer eat without discomfort, even with pain medications. Sadly, over the last few years, I’ve become used to the euthanasia process. While thankful that we have that choice for pets, it is still brutally heartbreaking to have to make that decision.

My mom wishes she could be like the cat and just go on. She says she is ready and she is not afraid of what is beyond. She is miserable with being in constant pain, and having a loss of appetite and fatigue. The doctors are no closer to diagnosing her than before. Is the cancer back? She’ll have to have a colonoscopy to determine that, but at barely 100 pounds and weak, she’s in no shape for the preparation.

She also hates to be a burden on others. While certainly I can’t deny the stress the last few years have created, I don’t want my mother to feel guilt over something she cannot control.

With wry humor, I know that we are going to have to get a bigger shelf to hold all of our memorials, for people and pets lost over the years. It’s getting crowded up there.

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April 19, 2015 · 9:25 pm

Psychology Today Post

Definitely can relate to this post with the health roller coaster my mom has been on for the last several months. As a caregiver, we can all use a reminder to take care of ourselves!

Barbara G. Matthews's avatarWhat to Do about Mama?

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/your-personal-renaissance/201504/ambushed-eldercare-you-re-not-alone

Ambushed by Eldercare? You’re Not Alone

7 strategies to help you cope

Post published by Diane Dreher Ph.D. on Apr 08, 2015 in Your Personal Renaissance

Source: Google Images labeled for reuse
Psychology Today
Late one night the phone rings. Your 80-year-old mother has had a heart attack and your life turns upside down, bringing worry, stress, anxiety, and uncertainty, your days punctuated by one crisis after another.

More than 54 million Americans are unpaid caregivers to their family members, two-thirds of whom are women (Matthews & Blank, 2013). Pulled in multiple directions at once, many are caring for their own children, as well as older relatives, and their numbers are only increasing as the population ages.

“It is a terrible situation to have so many people to care for and yet also have work responsibilities and other commitments—as well as the need to take care of oneself and remain sane,”…

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