Category Archives: Memories

August 28, 2012 · 8:47 pm

Dad at the diner

Here’s another one of these photos of Dad which I have no story for. I never saw this photo until I was going through Dad’s belongings after his death. I can make some guesses about the time period, but I have no idea about location or who took the photo.

I was talking to one of the librarians that knew my dad well and was giving her the update on Mom. She told me to brace myself and ask all of the questions that I want answers to now. I told her that’s exactly what I was doing, because I missed that opportunity with Dad and it is one of the things I regret the most.

The librarian still remembers Dad’s haunted hotel story after all of these years. She said she told him at the time to write it down, because it was such a good story. I assured her that I have recorded it in this blog, though I don’t have all of the details that Dad included in his version of events. I wish I had recorded that one in an audio or video file, because it is one worth hearing aloud. Alas, another missed opportunity.

Despite technology’s ability to isolate humans, I think it has also made recording memories easier, via text, photos, video and audio tools that are built right into most people’s phones and is easy for anyone to use.

Hopefully, people will be able to set aside that game of Angry Birds long enough to take advantage of these valuable resources.

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August 27, 2012 · 9:52 pm

Snapshots of memories

I have started collecting the family photos I’ve shared through this blog and posted them on Pinterest. It’s a nice visual way to view some of the memories I’ve covered on the blog.

Family Photos on Pinterest

Proud papa.

I put up the photos randomly, and viewing the board really gives one a sense of the roller coaster ride we all are on as we navigate our way through our lives. I can see Dad as a hopeful, handsome young man, as a loving father and as a sad, broken soul losing his battle with Alzheimer’s. All of those memories, all of those emotions in less than 20 photos. It really strikes home how photos tell the stories of our lives so viscerally. I think words help fill in those blanks that the photos can’t cover, so both are equally important.

I’ll be adding more to the board as I go along. If you have a board of family photos on Pinterest, let me know, I’d love to check it out. I am fascinated by old family photos whether they are of my own family or of total strangers!

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August 26, 2012 · 8:18 pm

Feeling like an alien in the healthcare system

As anyone knows who has served as a caregiver for a family member, you enter this world that operates quite differently from the so called regular world which you’ve grown accustomed to.

This world of illness and hospitals and nursing homes definitely works on a different time zone. Long hours are spent waiting, then all of a sudden there is a storm of activity that leaves you with whiplash when it’s over with. I really feel for those that have no one to help them through this, because everyone should have a healthcare advocate. There’s no way my mom or my dad would have managed dealing with the healthcare system without having someone in their corner to ask the important questions, to stand up for them, to be their support system.

I wish I had done more for Dad so I’m trying to erase that guilt by being here for Mom now. I certainly feel her gratefulness and appreciation, and know in my heart I have made the right decision to be here with her.

It’s frightening how we are at the mercy of the healthcare system to provide for our medical needs. The simplest task becomes an ordeal. You have to put so much faith in a bunch of strangers who are overworked and stressed out. Hospitals and nursing homes are woefully understaffed, but there seems little concern to addressing the issue, because when you are sick and in need of care, most often you will choose the hospital or care center closest to where you live. It’s not often that you hear of hospitals shutting down. Nursing homes don’t close up shop unless they are socked with a major infraction, like patient abuse.

When I receive a day or two of respite, I find it hard to try to adjust back to the normal world. The one where people are not always talking or thinking about illness, the one where people don’t spend all day in the hospital or care center. I feel a bit like an alien observing a different life form.

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August 25, 2012 · 8:01 pm

The scent of a loved one

Mom has always had her quirks when it comes to how her home is set up. For example, she kept her clothes in the spare room closet instead of the master bedroom where she slept. When I was setting things up for her to come home, making things easy for her to get to was a priority, so I moved her easy-to-access clothes into the main bedroom closet.

When I opened the closet, I got a whiff of why Mom may have had things set up the way she did. I could still faintly smell Dad’s scent of cigarettes and aftershave lingering on his sweaters and jackets. She had even kept one of his hospital gowns.

So I compromised. I moved a few of her clothes into the main closet, and moved some of Dad’s stuff into the second bedroom closet. That way, Dad’s scent can be in both places.

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August 24, 2012 · 9:13 pm

A family’s choice

Today was a fruitless 10 hour hospital vigil waiting for the doctor to discharge Mom back to the nursing home. The doctor finally showed up at 5 p.m., spent about 3 minutes with Mom and gave the green light for discharge. Of course, by then it was too late in the day, so Mom is stuck in the hospital another night.

The woman sharing Mom’s room is very ill. She’s in renal failure and is refusing more treatment, which included dialysis and amputations of her hand and foot. Her family gathered today for the big decision.

There was tension, tears and bubbly giggles from the woman’s many grandkids. The doctor stressed to the family how the woman was capable of making this decision and how it should be honored.

While earlier it seemed things might get ugly, in the end, the family did the right thing. The woman will start home hospice tomorrow.

The family’s painful day made Mom and I think about Dad and the decisions made for his care.

One has to balance love with mercy in these situations. Often, people confuse the two but today, mercy won.

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August 23, 2012 · 8:42 pm

Dad’s story being shared

If there was a way to warn hospital staff members about Mom, I would. If you say hi to Mom, you are in for at least a 15 minute conversation.

Today she told Dad’s tale of dementia to at least three strangers. While it becomes repetitive to me, it is therapy for Mom and her way of spreading awareness for this terrible disease.

Mom, the accidental activist.

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August 22, 2012 · 8:39 pm

Memories that don’t fade

I spent the whole day with Mom at the hospital. We talked a lot about Dad.

Mom has been through so much herself recently, and her memory is spotty, but she has not forgotten Dad’s last day on this earth.

It is interesting to see what the mind chooses to remember. In addition to her crystal clear memory of Dad’s death, she also remembered a bag of walnuts, double-bagged, that she had at home.

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August 21, 2012 · 5:50 pm

Doctor disconnected

We saw Mom’s surgeon today for a followup visit. I think he’s good at what he does, and I like the fact he’s honest and does not offer false hope.

But there is still that disconnect. Mom had questions about colostomy care, and I could see the doctor shrink back. “Well, we don’t handle any of the colostomy care issues here, there are nurses that handle that.”

Certainly I don’t expect the doctor to be changing bags, but it seems odd that he washes his hands of anything beyond the actual surgical procedure. The doctor creates the need for the extensive and complicated aftercare, but leaves it to strangers to figure out his handiwork.

A similar thing happened with Dad near the end of his life. Doctors who knew little of Dad’s health were prescribing medications without concern for side effects. They would see him once, scribble on a piece of paper and they were done.

This disconnect is nothing new, but when it involves family members, you really feel it.

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August 20, 2012 · 8:58 pm

Back on hospital time

I think my mom has officially passed my dad now when it comes to the dreaded roller coaster ride of hospital visits.

Mom was supposed to go home today. Instead, she was diagnosed with another blood clot in her leg and has to have another procedure done.

Today was a mixture of disappointment and giving thanks. After working so hard on recovery, Mom faces an unfortunate setback. But I am thankful that it was caught in time.

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August 19, 2012 · 10:01 pm

One step forward, two steps back

Just like with Dad, I’m once again experiencing the roller coaster ride that comes with illness.

Mom was supposed to go home tomorrow. But now her right leg, the same one with the blood clot issue, has swollen up again, tight and shiny.

Looks like we may be stuck in Roswell longer than we thought.

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