Tag Archives: death

October 8, 2012 · 5:32 pm

What a year can bring

This time last year, Mom was getting ready to move Dad closer to home. Dad was in the latter stages of dementia, but still ambulatory. He had fought a few mystery infections over the summer, but there was a glimmer of hope, that at least Mom would be able to visit Dad more often.

Of course, those hopes were quickly dashed. Those infections came back with a vengeance, and whatever medication the nursing home used to treat the symptoms caused Dad to have a very severe reaction. It was something that he never fully recovered from.

So as I watch the leaves fall from the trees as the fall season takes hold and transforms the world around me, I’m thinking about Dad entering the last seasons of his life last year. I remember the trepidation I had in my heart, worrying about the nursing home move and the impact it would have on Dad’s well-being. I had no idea for the roller coaster ride in store for me.

This year I’m on a different roller coaster ride of emotions, as my mom is now the one sick. You just truly never know what a year will bring.

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September 20, 2012 · 7:26 pm

9 months since Dad died

It’s hard to believe that it has been nine months since my dad died. So much has happened this summer, and so many of the events have reminded me of Dad.

I never would have thought that I would be taking care of Mom now, who is facing serious illness herself. I had hoped for a respite from illness, for both myself and especially for my mother. Alas, that was not really meant to be.

One of my favorite photos.

Even though I have been so busy tending to Mom these past few months, I have been keeping up with all of the Alzheimer’s events taking place this month in honor of World Alzheimer’s Month. Now that I’m spending so much time with Mom in my parents’ home, memories of Dad are everywhere. Mom still misses my dad dearly and talks about him every day.

So even though Alzheimer’s disease separated Dad from us over the last year of his life, he is still in our hearts and memories every day.

I’m keeping all of those who have dealt with Alzheimer’s in their family in my thoughts.

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August 25, 2012 · 8:01 pm

The scent of a loved one

Mom has always had her quirks when it comes to how her home is set up. For example, she kept her clothes in the spare room closet instead of the master bedroom where she slept. When I was setting things up for her to come home, making things easy for her to get to was a priority, so I moved her easy-to-access clothes into the main bedroom closet.

When I opened the closet, I got a whiff of why Mom may have had things set up the way she did. I could still faintly smell Dad’s scent of cigarettes and aftershave lingering on his sweaters and jackets. She had even kept one of his hospital gowns.

So I compromised. I moved a few of her clothes into the main closet, and moved some of Dad’s stuff into the second bedroom closet. That way, Dad’s scent can be in both places.

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August 22, 2012 · 8:39 pm

Memories that don’t fade

I spent the whole day with Mom at the hospital. We talked a lot about Dad.

Mom has been through so much herself recently, and her memory is spotty, but she has not forgotten Dad’s last day on this earth.

It is interesting to see what the mind chooses to remember. In addition to her crystal clear memory of Dad’s death, she also remembered a bag of walnuts, double-bagged, that she had at home.

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August 1, 2012 · 10:50 pm

What makes one give up?

With my dad, Alzheimer’s robbed him of the will to fight back. I watched my dad pitifully try to hang on to his personality, only to return a few months later and see a drugged-up zombie in his place. It was heartbreaking, but I’m not sure if those with dementia realize when they are crossing over to the dark side, so to speak.

With my mom, her personality has survived the major surgery, the setbacks and the recovery, and even the nursing home stay. But I know that Mom often puts on a cheery front for the medical staff. They all compliment her on what a great patient she is. And that is true, she’s very good about following orders and not complaining.

But with me, the tears come readily.

I went to visit her local bank the other day to let the manager know about Mom. The manager had helped my mom with a lot of financial issues, and she was sad to hear about Mom. She said that she wondered if at some point, my mom would just give up. “She misses your dad so much, and she’s so lonely.”

Mom already tells me just about every day about how sorry she is for being such a burden and that it would be better if she just let go.

And the honest truth is, it might be.

But then again, the nurse that tended to my mom through a special procedure today said she can tell what kind of spirits patients have just by working with them for a few minutes. She said, “I can tell your mom is a great person.”

And that’s the honest truth as well.

So that makes things really tricky. I don’t want my good-hearted mom to suffer needlessly, but the world could use a bit of her sweet spirit for as long as possible.

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June 27, 2012 · 7:22 pm

How life turns on a dime

With my dad, Alzheimer’s disease moved slowly but surely. Tell-tale signs here and there, and then one day, boom, it hits you. Dad had dementia and there’s no turning back.

With my mom, it seemed so sudden, though probably her health issues had been creeping up on her for some time. Her issues are primarily physical, while Dad’s were mainly mental. So health-wise, they are on opposite ends of the spectrum, but for me, the stress is identical.

I feel like I’ve been dropped back into that video game world, where your character is supposed to navigate around the bad guys and tense situations. Even sleep is troubled with stressful visions. I spent almost all of 2011 in this state. It is not a healthy state to be in, but I must be there for my mom, just like I tried to be there for my dad.

Yet again, there’s that gnawing feeling, that I should be with my mom right now, and accompany her to her appointment with the specialist tomorrow. (For the record, Mom soundly rejected that idea. She’s not gone yet!) Still, the tension of living with a parent who inches ever closer to Death becomes a shadow that fills every crevice of your life.

I only have one more shot at doing this right. I already regret not spending enough time with Dad while he was alive. I feel like I’m walking the same road with Mom right now, but until we get a proper diagnosis, I feel we are in this terrible limbo.

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February 20, 2012 · 10:34 am

Two months since my father died

It seems so much has happened in the two months since my father passed away. Grief still saturates my atmosphere and I think of my father several times a day. Most of the time, I still picture him at the end of his life, which is painful. However, it is a relief to not be waiting for “that call” anymore. I realize that for almost the entire year of 2011 I lived in a state of anxiety, fearing my father’s death long before it actually happened.

In the past two months, good things have started to happen. I started this blog project, which is being well-received by the community and has been great therapy for me. I also am now a storyteller on Cowbird, where I will be writing visual-focused stories about my dad and other areas of my life. I know Dad would be proud, as he always encouraged my interest in writing. I think in a different life Dad would have been a writer as well, penning books about down-on-their-luck boxers with Irish names, and maybe a novel or two about the IRA, which he claimed to be a member of at one time.

My mom is still struggling to find her way alone in this world. She still talks to my dad every day, telling him that she misses him and loves him.

There are still regrets about the last few years that I am working my way through, but I know I cannot change the past, I can only take what I’ve learned and apply it to the present and future. A loss of a loved one changes you forever, but that’s not necessarily a bad thing.

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January 20, 2012 · 10:53 am

Reflecting on my dad’s death, one month later

Today is the one month anniversary of my father’s death. Frankly, with all that is happened in such a short amount of time, it’s hard to believe that only one month has passed since I received that fateful call.

The last photograph of dad and I together, July 2011.

There’s of course a lot of memories and feelings associated with that day. One thing I cannot forget, and wish I could, is what exactly I was doing when I received the call that my father had gone into cardiac arrest and died at the assisted living facility he was at in Albuquerque. His official time of death was 10:10 a.m. MST on Tuesday, December 20, 2011. Here in Atlanta, I received the frantic, sob-filled call from my mom at 12:12 p.m. I was at work.

Photo: KimKardashian.com

And what was I doing at the moment my dad was passing away, halfway across the country? Well, I work in entertainment news, and was assigned to cover holiday content online, so I had just written a blog post about the Kardsashian family Christmas card. It’s the kind of fluff that is considered to be “page view gold” in this business. I was just about to post a tweet on it, when my cell phone lit up with my mom’s phone number.

And then my world shifted to a grinding halt. A death of a family member is like any other high-profile event. You always remember where you were and what you were doing when you received the news. So sadly, America’s most over-exposed family, the Kardashians, will forever be associated in my mind with my father’s death.

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