Understanding a caregiver’s ‘quiet rage’

The New York Times published an article recently that shines a light on an important caregiving topic that is close to my heart.

The Quiet Rage of Caregivers features the stories of caregivers who faced difficult caregiving experiences. One caregiver profiled is writer Ann Brenoff, who wrote “Caregivers Are Mad as Hell! Rants From the Wife of the Very Sick Man in Room 5029.” I consider her a kindred spirit, having written about my own challenging caregiving experiences in my personal essay collection, “The Reluctant Caregiver.”

While anger and frustration are normal emotions to feel as a caregiver, society doesn’t tend to support caregivers expressing negative emotions. Instead, caregivers are judged for being selfish and not loving the ones they care for enough. This is especially true for female caregivers, who are expected to sacrifice career and other pursuits to embrace a role that they have historically been expected to fulfill.

Jennifer Levin, who runs a Facebook support group for millennial caregivers, summed up the conflicting emotions of caregivers: “A lot of caregivers are afraid to express their anger, because they feel guilty.”

I definitely experienced that uncomfortable mix of emotions when caring for my parents. Exhaustion of juggling a full-time job with caregiving duties, resentment, guilt for feeling resentful, frustration at the lack of support … and then I was expected to show gratitude and spin the experience into a positive?

I am grateful for Brenoff and others like myself who are speaking out for those still in the caregiving trenches, who feel powerless and in despair of what seems like a hopeless situation. The best way we can support caregivers is by making sure they have the resources they need so that caregiving becomes a manageable situation, not one in which the person feels like they are drowning each and every day.

Photo by Annie Spratt on Unsplash.