Coming to terms with ‘exhaustlessness’ as a caregiver

The holidays can usher in a mix of loving family moments and caregiver burnout. I read an article by psychotherapist Mike Verano on Today’s Caregiver in which he named the common caregiver condition of feeling both exhausted and restless at the same time as “exhaustlessness.” It’s an accurate term for two emotions that seem on the surface an unlikely combination until you experience what Verano calls the “emotional hurricane” of caregiving.

I definitely can relate to being completely exhausted but also being overwhelmed with a restless energy due to being hypervigilant. Verano refers to the physical sensation as being “like taking a sleeping pill and an energy drink at the same time.” Exactly! Caregivers know that they have a limited window for sleep and self-care, but at the same time, they can’t shut off their brains from going through to-do lists.

Even after a caregiving situation ends, it can take quite awhile to disconnect oneself from that hyper-aware state of monitoring. It can feel that something is missing if you are not constantly looking for problems to arise and fix. Being gentle and patient with oneself during such transition periods is essential.

For those feeling “exhaustlessness” due to their current caregiver situation, the holidays can be a good time to discuss the need for more support while family members are gathered together. Talking to a mental health professional, one trained in family caregiver dynamics, can also be helpful in learning how to establish boundaries, so that you don’t always feel like you are caught up in an emotional storm.

Illustration generated by ChatGPT.