Category Archives: Memories

April 24, 2019 · 8:33 pm

‘What They Had’ will resonate with dementia caregivers

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I saw an excellent movie recently that I wanted to share with others who are or have been dementia caregivers. The movie is called, “What They Had,” and it has a great cast, starring Blythe Danner, Hilary Swank, Robert Forster and Michael Shannon. The film has a fairly simple plot: matriarch Ruth’s dementia is getting progressively worse, and the family is drawn together to figure out the next steps.

Those of us who have been dementia caregivers know what’s coming next, to a certain extent. The family’s internal dynamics are stretched to their breaking points as they each approach the “solution” to caring for the woman they love who is losing her mind and memories of them.

What is remarkable about the film is how realistically it depicts the challenges of a family grappling with Alzheimer’s. First-time director Elizabeth Chomko, whose grandmother was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s, captures the raw and complex emotions perfectly. The movie is uncomfortable to watch in a good way, in that the plot, dialogue and acting is so realistic that you feel like you are eavesdropping into a family’s nightmare.

Watch the trailer:

I related quite a bit to the character of Nick, who is the son and brother. He’s the hands-on sibling, because he lives near the parents in Chicago, while Swank’s character Bridget is the sister who moved away to California. Nick has understandably built up some resentment and even though he comes across as pessimistic and critical, he cares deeply and understands the mother’s condition in a more realistic way than the rest of the family. I related so much to Nick’s frustration with the rest of the family who were overly optimistic or avoiding the tough decisions, as I dealt with that with my mother when making medical decisions for my father.

Bridget’s response to being thrown into a family crisis prompts her to question everything about her life, including her marriage. Danner plays the character of Ruth with heartbreaking tenderness, though there are moments of humor as well. And Forster, Ruth’s husband and primary caregiver, demonstrates a loving resilience underneath his gruff, practical exterior.

Both Danner and Swank have experienced real-life caregiving, which I think brought an extra layer of realism to their portrayals.

The film is available on video-on-demand services. (I watched it on Vudu.) It does contain a fair amount of profanity, but it seemed to be a natural fit for the characters’ personalities. If you’ve seen the movie, I’d love to know what you thought about it.

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I See You, Alzheimer’s Daughter — Life, Love, and Alzheimer’s

This blog post by  Lauren Dykovitz is so beautiful and poignant. It really resonated with me. I think other “Alzheimer’s daughters” will appreciate it as well.

I see you, Alzheimer’s Daughter, trying to smile through the pain. I know how much it hurts. You feel as if both of your parents have just disappeared, vanished into some other world. Alzheimer’s World. They are gone forever. Only they’re not really gone. They’re still alive and, maybe, they live just a few miles […]

via I See You, Alzheimer’s Daughter — Life, Love, and Alzheimer’s

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April 10, 2019 · 10:34 pm
March 21, 2019 · 3:48 pm

Painful memories can offer profound insight

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We all have memories that we wish we could forget. Our childhoods tend to have a major impact on the rest of our lives, as do major life milestones.

I sometimes wonder what those with dementia remember from their lives. Good memories, bad memories, or a mix of what had the most impact on them? Or maybe it’s just random. We may never know.

One memory from my adolescence that haunted many of my adult years transformed into a powerful life lesson for me. The story behind that memory, Lesson from a Bully, was recently published on Women For One as part of their project highlighting Truthtellers. I’m honored to share my story with a community focused on empowering women.

I had the pleasure of seeing the Women For One Truthteller Tour in person at the What Women Want conference in Atlanta last year. It was a powerful experience to hear women tell their stories, and how the darkest, most painful life experiences can inspire us to be better people.

As many of you know, I’m a big advocate for caregivers sharing their stories, as I think there is nothing more powerful than sharing your unique experiences with others. It’s a way to personalize the current political debate going on right now around elder care issues. I hope that you are able to share your story with those who need to hear it.

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March 13, 2019 · 8:00 am

A reunion with kindness

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I had a chance encounter this past week with a woman who was a true angel to my family several years ago. Sandra went out of her way to care for my mother and myself as my father was dying. She even put her life (and car) at risk, driving through a snowstorm.

Sandra played a role in what was one of the worst moments of my life, but also a moment that helped inspire this blog, The Memories Project.

Over the years, I’ve thought about Sandra and her multiple acts of kindness. Such people seem to appear when you need them the most.

And so it happened that our paths crossed again. You can read about the encounter via my post on Medium or via the Twitter thread below. (Click through to read entire thread on Twitter.)

As I’ve said before, I’m a skeptic, but I’m also not a fool. There can only be so many coincidences. I keep my eyes and heart open for these moments, and try to learn from them. I hope you will do the same in your lives, and also remember that small acts of kindness can have a tremendous impact on a person’s life.

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February 14, 2019 · 5:36 pm

Valentine’s card from Dad

My father was not the overtly affectionate type, and I think I can speak for my mom when I say he wasn’t the romantic sort. But when I was a baby, he did turn on the charm for Valentine’s Day.

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I can only guess that this was my first Valentine’s, since there is no date on the card. Dad refers to me by the nickname he gave me, “Wee Tookie,” a term of affection from his Irish upbringing. He signs the card: “Lots of love from Da Da,” which I remember calling him when I was very young.

The card is in excellent condition 40-plus years later, and is something I will always treasure.

Happy Valentine’s Day to you and yours.

 

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Odds and ends on grief — Views and Mews by Coffee Kat

I relate to this post so much. We all have our individual ways of coping with grief, but there are some emotions surrounding grief that many of us feel. I’m sharing this post from a fellow blogger who recently lost her beloved cat. Whether pet or person, losing a loved one is hard. If you are struggling through the grieving process right now, you are not alone. Be kind to yourself.

I forgot how much grief hurts. Sounds stupid but it’s one of those pains I try not to remember. It’s both physically and emotionally exhausting, sucking out joy wherever it goes. It’s not always about death. We grieve many things but the commonality is that it is permanent. We don’t grieve the temporary. There are […]

via Odds and ends on grief — Views and Mews by Coffee Kat

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January 10, 2019 · 1:36 pm
December 24, 2018 · 6:32 pm

Happy holidays

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Mom and Dad at Christmas, circa mid-1980s.

The holidays can be stressful for caregivers, but they also offer moments of magic and the potential to create memories that you will cherish for the rest of your life.

I hope that you enjoy the time spent with family and other loved ones over the holidays. For those of us remembering those who have departed, it can be a comfort to reflect upon happy moments and favorite memories.

And if you feel yourself being overworked or stressed out, don’t be shy about asking for help!

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December 20, 2018 · 12:47 pm

Dad gone 7 years now

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Today marks seven years since my father died. The weather today in Atlanta, a steady chilly rain, is exactly the same as it was on that day in 2011, when I took a call from my mom in the newsroom of The Atlanta Journal-Constitution. She rarely called me at work. I expected the worst, and received it.

That moment, and those right after receiving the devastating news, are forever burned into my memory and play in slow motion. The week after, viewing Dad’s body, trying to be there for my grieving mother but finding that we were clashing, making a desperate attempt to return home in the middle of a freak snowstorm, getting stranded in Roswell, New Mexico for Christmas … are memories I’d like to forget.

But some good did come out of the sadness. While I was stranded in that hotel room in Roswell, eating a microwave dinner, I created this blog, The Memories Project. And over the years, this blog has served me well. Initially, it helped me through the grieving process, and over time, it has become the foundation of my caregiver advocacy platform. Regular writing and exploring ideas helped me publish The Reluctant Caregiver. I’ve made so many wonderful connections over the years through this blog. From appreciative readers to those who have reached out for interviews, I am eternally grateful.

 

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December 12, 2018 · 8:00 am

Gift guide for those living with dementia and their caregivers

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The holiday season is in full swing. As you are tackling your shopping list, you may have someone on your list who is living with Alzheimer’s or another form of dementia and may be unsure as to what an appropriate gift would be for this person.

I ran into this issue with my father, during his last couple of Christmas holidays at home. One year, I got him a New York Times book reproducing the newspaper from the day and year he was born. While he couldn’t read much anymore, he could look at the images and advertisements and get enjoyment from that.

Here are some gift ideas from The Advocate for those with dementia, and please, don’t forget their caregivers!

Personalized gifts: Like the book I ordered for my father, gifts that evoke memories of the past are a good choice for those with dementia. One could offer to help the family put together a scrapbook or photo album by buying the supplies.

Activity-oriented gifts: One thing that is often overlooked when caring for those with Alzheimer’s or other dementias is that the person often still craves to engage in hobbies or tasks. They don’t want to be left in a room to stare out the window all day, especially in the early to mid-stages of the disease. Adult coloring books, art projects, easy puzzles, etc. make thoughtful gift choices.

Joy-evoking gifts: Those with dementia often still respond to music and other audio-visual cues even as their other cognitive abilities decline. Think about Glen Campbell, and how he could still sing and play guitar well into his battle with Alzheimer’s. If you know the person’s favorite genre of music or a beloved performer, you can give the gift of music, which can soothe and lift the spirits of those with dementia.

For the caregiver: Think about easing the workload when picking out gifts for caregivers. A gift card to a favorite restaurant or a meal delivery/grocery  service would likely be appreciated. Try also to pick out a gift specifically for the caregiver to use for self-care, such as a gift certificate to a spa or movie theater. If you are in the position to do so, offer to give the caregiver a break from duties.

If the dementia caregiver in your life enjoys books, consider The Reluctant Caregiver, my award-winning collection of personal essays on caregiving.

One of the best gifts you can offer those with dementia and their loved ones is simply your time. So many people withdraw upon learning of a dementia diagnosis that it can lead to social isolation. A compassionate ear and an open heart will be appreciated by all.

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October 31, 2018 · 8:00 am

Halloween greetings


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I know not everyone celebrates Halloween, but it’s always been one of my favorite holidays. I don’t dress up in costumes like I did as a kid, but I enjoy watching scary movies and decorating the house with spooky items. Oh yeah, and the candy. You’re never too old for a sweet treat.

If you haven’t had a chance to read The Reluctant Caregiver yet, I have a story in there about my dad in the essay titled, “The Batty Bunch.” I write about how he protected me after a few bullies pushed me at a Halloween party when I was a young child. It’s one of my favorite stories about my dad, who wasn’t the hands-on parent for a variety of reasons, but really came through when it counted. I also wrote about that Halloween party in a previous blog post here on The Memories Project.

Even though the world itself seems like a scary place right now, I still enjoy the Halloween season.

Do you have any favorite Halloween memories?

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