This is such an important topic, and one that I know some readers of The Memories Project have had to deal with in their families. How much bad news do we deliver to our loved ones with dementia, and how many times do we repeat the information?
Thanks Elaine for the thoughtful response.
Source: Delivering Bad News in Dementialand (Or Do I Tell Mom Her Sister Died?)
Filed under Memories
Setting new resolutions and goals is a big part of a new year for many people. I’ve never had an official bucket list, but after watching my parents move on from this world, I couldn’t help but wonder if they had any unfulfilled wishes. That in turn, made me think about my own “bucket list.”
But an article I read recently in Aging Today has me rethinking the whole bucket list concept. I discuss this in a post I wrote for The Caregiver Space. The gist of the article is that we may be better off aging with purpose and participating in activities that offer deep engagement versus waiting until we are retired for that dream vacation or grand adventure. The doctor who wrote the article doesn’t think bucket lists are necessarily bad, but encourages a broader perspective so that we can live more fully in the here and now.
I like this approach. While I hope to enjoy a grand tour of Europe some day in the not-so-distant future, I also want to find joy and meaning in the present. Learning and trying new things, writing more and hopefully getting published more, and helping other caregivers, those are more immediate goals that offer true fulfillment.
What do you think? Are you a fan of bucket lists?
Filed under Memories
Many people use the new year to try and wipe the old slate clean, and create a new version of themselves that’s thinner or stronger or smarter. There’s nothing wrong with working out more, eating more broccoli and fewer doughnuts and resisting vices. But what I’ve found in my 40-plus years is that the goals are less important than the journey we take each year on our life’s path.
Caregivers, former and present, understand that life can turn south at a moment’s notice, no matter what the calendar reads, and temporarily disrupt goals, dreams and projects. A “new normal” emerges, and it may not look like what one hoped for at the beginning of a new year. After my father died at the end of 2011, I thought there was a new beginning for my mom and myself, one in which every moment wasn’t spent worrying about my father’s well-being. But just six months later, Mom fell ill and wow, was I ever in for a change. I have no idea what my 2012 resolutions were, but they sure didn’t involve being a caregiver!
So I don’t make resolutions anymore, but I do have goals, which I’m all too aware are subject to change. I’m nearing the completion of my collection of caregiving essays, and I will be working on a prototype for my Respite Care Share concept, which will be presented at the Aging in America Conference in March. These things will keep me occupied for the year, and I’m sure other opportunities will come along the way. New opportunities, but tied to memories of my parents, their lives, the illnesses they battled, and their deaths. While the sharp turn in my life path in 2012 made no sense to me at the time, it got me to this place, where in 2017, I can hopefully give back a bit to the caregiving community.
There is much trepidation about 2017, even though for many, there is a great relief 2016 is coming to a close. Caregivers are survivors, a hardy bunch who push through and find a way to make it another day. Maybe 2017 is the year others will learn the value of caregivers in our society.
I wish you and your family a happy and healthy new year.
Filed under Awareness & Activism, Memories
I hope everyone has a peaceful, love-filled holiday. Make those moments count with those who mean the most to you.
For those of us dealing with loss, the holiday season is bittersweet. This year, I bought a tabletop tree, and decorated it with Christmas ornaments from my childhood. My family always had a tabletop tree, because we lived in an apartment that didn’t have room for a big tree.
It didn’t matter to me that the tree was small and fake, I loved the magic of Christmas as a child. My parents worked hard to make the holidays special for me, and I am grateful I have those happy memories.
Happy holidays to all. Stay warm and safe, and enjoy the precious moments with loved ones.
Filed under Memories, Memories Project notes
It’s hard for me to believe that five years have passed since my father’s death. So much has happened in those five years that I feel almost like a different person, or that I experienced December 20, 2011 in a different lifetime.
Little did I know at the moment I learned of my father’s death, in the newsroom of the Atlanta Journal-Constitution, on a cold and rainy Tuesday, that six months later, I would become caregiver for my mother. Even at that moment, the colon cancer was likely growing inside of her, waiting to make its ugly appearance in our lives. I thought I would spend 2012 grieving for my father, but instead, I had to shelve my grief in order to care for my mother.
I never expected to be virtually unemployed for well over a year after my mother fell ill. It was my father’s death that allowed me to pursue new career opportunities, as I had not wanted to take a new job when I knew he may pass at any moment. It turned out to be a bad move, and when Mom required emergency surgery, I was forced to quit after just two months, to go tend to her in New Mexico.
If I had guessed what my life would be like five years from that dreaded day in December 2011, I would not have imagined my mother being dead for a year and a half. She was 74 at the time of my father’s death, and appeared to be in good physical shape. I was most concerned about her loneliness and depression after Dad’s death.
Sometimes it all seems like a bad dream, but of course, I know all too well that it was real life. Good things have happened over these five years: my writing won an award, I secured full-time employment again, I’m slowly but surely crawling my way out of debt. I’m using my experiences, both positive and negative, in the caregiver advocacy role that I now cherish. The past five years have been turned into essays that have touched people and generated conversation around the topic of caregiving.
I certainly would never want to live the past five years of my life over again, but I am a better person for surviving them, and for taking the lessons my parents taught me to help others in a similar situation.
Filed under Memories
I finally had the pleasure of visiting Amy’s Place, a memory care cafe in metro Atlanta. Amy’s Place was selected by Atlanta magazine as a 2016 Groundbreakers finalist. This year the theme was how to make Atlanta a better place to grow old.
Amy’s Place certainly fulfills that mission. The charming home is open free of charge to people with dementia and their caregivers. It is designed as a place to visit and relax. Two adorable dachshunds bring wail-tagging joy to visitors, and caregivers can utilize a fully-stocked kitchen and shower while their loved ones receive attention and supervision from staff. Amy’s Place also offers caregiver support groups and fun social events, like painting classes.
I had a chance to meet co-founder Pam Van Ahn at the holiday party held at Amy’s Place last week. She and her sister Jean opened Amy’s Place earlier this year and are receiving rave reviews from the caregiving community. The memory cafe is part of their nonprofit, Caring Together in Hope.
The more I learn of programs like this, the more hope I have that we as regular citizens can make a difference in the lives of those with dementia and just as importantly, their caregivers. If you know of programs in your area that are designed to help caregivers, let me know in the comments section. I’m working on putting together a list of resources for my own Respite Care Share project.
Filed under Awareness & Activism, Memories
The holiday season can be overwhelming for family caregivers. I was grateful to take advantage of the technology that was available when my parents were alive to make the caregiving job easier. Health technology is a rapidly growing field, and now there are numerous apps, aids and devices to help seniors safely age at home. I’m going to name a few products that I either have used or am familiar with, in case you are buying a gift for a caregiver or senior living at home alone this holiday season. (These are not endorsements, just feedback from a real user and former caregiver.)
Senior-friendly phone: My mom loved her Jitterbug phone, which is made by Great Call. Mom was not tech-savvy at all, and she was a bit skeptical about even using a cell phone at first, but she quickly learned how convenient it was. By far, the phone was the best gift I ever bought for her.
Medical alert services: I purchased a Philips Lifeline device for my mother, because that’s the brand the local home health agency used at the time. The service was quite useful and I felt that it was worth the monthly monitoring fee. My mom had a few falls over the last year or so of her life and each one was immediately recognized by the sensor that she wore as a necklace. A representative checked on her over the intercom to see if she needed additional assistance. One time she did, and EMTs arrived to check her over.
The one downside was that the pendant that Mom wore was very sensitive and could easily be accidentally activated. That part annoyed Mom, but I guess it’s better to be too sensitive than to not work when you need it.
Another kind of medical alert service is a wandering detector for those with dementia. I bought one for my father that was part of the Alzheimer Association’s Safe Return program, but we never had the opportunity to use it before Dad entered the Memory Care unit. As GPS and other location tools become more refined, I think these kinds of tools can be very helpful. Instead of a bulky device, something as small and easy to apply as a tag on clothing could help monitor those with dementia. When I was setting up Dad’s unit, I did notice that because of my parents’ rural location, the GPS signal was weak.
Blood pressure monitors: Neither of my parents had blood pressure issues, but at-home blood pressure monitors are readily available on Amazon for a reasonable price. While these devices should never replace an actual doctor or home health visit, they might be useful for seniors who like to take a proactive approach to their health or their caregivers who wish to monitor a loved one’s blood pressure in-between professional check-ups.
Smart home speaker (Amazon Echo, Google Home, etc.): I think my mother would have loved the interactive features of the Amazon Echo. I bought one out of curiosity, and bought another device so I can use it to control the living room lights. I also use it to play music as it has a decent speaker. Other than that, I don’t use it that much, but I could see my mom using it almost as a remote companion, asking it questions, getting it to tell jokes, telling her the weather, etc.
Another excellent use of these smart home speakers is for medication reminders. I would have loved to have used it to remind Mom to drink water on a more regular basis, which may have helped with her chronic constipation. The best thing about these devices is they are so easy to use once they are set up. Basically the user just needs to say the trigger name or phrase and then ask a question or command. The devices do require Wi-Fi, and initial setup can be a bit of a pain.
Tablets: I was never sucked in by the attraction of tablets, because I’m a computer power user who would rather just use my laptop for bigger screen tasks, and am fine using my smartphone for small screen tasks. The tablet was a solution searching for a problem to me. However, the mobility and ease of use of tablets could be ideal for seniors.
Tablets make tasks like emails, instant messaging and video messaging, viewing photos and videos super-simple. Playing word games can help keep older minds active and being able to connect with others remotely could reduce loneliness.
Find a professional caregiver online: One of the best gifts you could offer a caregiver is a break. I’ve used Care.com before, and liked how you could search online for caregivers in your area. Payment could be made online, which I found convenient.
Filed under Memories
I’ve never had patience for big family gatherings, probably because I grew up celebrating holidays with just my parents. That helped keep planning and bickering to a minimum. I have particularly happy memories of Thanksgiving, enjoying a humble but delicious meal and watching The Twilight Zone marathon throughout the day.
This year, thanks to the contentious election, I’ve come across several articles offering tips on how to survive the holiday with relatives. While I get that family stress is real, and kept my own visits home as an adult to a minimum, it is a bit sad that we need instruction guides on how to navigate a meal without suffering a nervous breakdown. Winning an argument or criticizing someone else’s viewpoint is more important to some than recognizing common bonds and accepting the imperfections in all of us. (That being said, I do not believe toxic family members should get a free pass; repair relationships where you can but move on when necessary.)
Over the last several years I have been preoccupied with family caregiving, and I witnessed the best and worst from my parents, and from myself. For those who are grieving the loss of a loved one, the holidays are a mixed bag of emotions. I am grateful for the memories of simply, happy Thanksgiving meals with my family, and I hope that all of you find those moments this week with your family and friends.
Filed under Memories
These are a bit on the large side, but remind me of what Mom’s corn cakes looked like. George Wesley & Bonita Dannells/Flickr https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nc-nd/2.0/
The upcoming holiday season and cooler weather has me thinking about food and family traditions. Mom always had a big stack of newspaper clippings to go through each time I visited. They were on all sorts of random subjects, and she would write notes on them to share with me. After Mom died, I came across a stack that we had gone over but that she had kept. In the collection was her take on a cornbread recipe that had been published in the local newspaper.
Mom was not pleased with the recipe, and scribbled her “corrections” all over it. Mom learned how to make cornbread, and more importantly, corn cakes (also called hoecakes) from her mother, and the family recipe was adamant about no sugar. Cornbread was to accompany savory dishes like greens with pot likker, or pinto beans. It was not dessert.
I was able to find a couple interpretations of hoecakes that Mom would have approved of online. The Salon headline is perfect: You’re Doing it Wrong: Cornbread and offers a bit of history on the hoecake as well as a super-simple recipe. Mom’s recipe was very similar in that she omitted the egg and sugar, but she used buttermilk instead of just water.
On the newspaper article that was published just six months before she passed, Mom wrote in red ink, “No cake” after writing “no” next to such sacrilegious ingredients as sugar, egg and vanilla extract. She wrote at the top, “Remember my corn cakes?”
Indeed I do, they were one of my favorite meals as a young child. Dense discs of cornmeal, fried to a golden brown, soaking up butter. (Mom likely was using margarine, which was a shame, but I didn’t know any better as a kid.) I think I had a side of beans with mine, because my young palate couldn’t stand the concept of collard, mustard or turnip greens. The funny thing is, the way Mom made them, without any added flour, the hoecakes are naturally gluten-free. Now I would appreciate them with a “mess of greens” just like Mom.
One of these days, I’ll get around to making hoecakes, and there won’t be any sugar in sight. When I do, I will smile and think of Mom.
I couldn’t resist sharing this post from Bonnie, who makes the beautiful Memory Bears. This bear could have been made for my Dad, he was the ultimate Notre Dame fan!
As the holidays approach, those who are dealing with the loss of a loved one may be seeking a symbol of comfort and remembrance. A Memory Bear would make a lovely gift.
If you have recommendations on other thoughtful gift ideas for those who are grieving, I would love to hear about them.
As a child, remember holding that favorite teddy bear close to you. What a comforting affect teddy had on us. Memory Bears are very similar. A memory bear is made from your loved ones favorite clothing. Standing 22″ tall, a memory bear is soft and cuddly and just right to hold and hug as you […]
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The Memories Project receives 2 Sunshine Awards!
The Memories Project 