Category Archives: Memories

October 5, 2015 · 12:20 pm

Memories of hospital visits

I came across photos recently of when my mother was first in the hospital, recovering from surgery after her delayed colon cancer diagnosis.

The photos were taken in the ICU, a day or two after her surgery. I thought they captured the conflicting set of emotions that family members experience when a loved one is in the hospital.
Joy mom hospital
I paced many a hospital hallway in those days. When I needed a break from staring at Mom’s frail body hooked up to so many machines, I would stand in the doorway and watch the hushed but high activity taking place on the floor. People moaning uncontrollably in pain, relatives leaving a patient’s room looking pale and worried, children laughing and playing, blissfully unaware of the sadness and fear surrounding them.

There are so many emotions one experiences during these times, from fear and anxiety to hope and even a few much-needed laughs. Hospitals are like other worlds, with their own time structures, rules and cast of characters. For those working there, it’s just another day on the job, for patients, it can be a matter of life and death. Visiting relatives get to see it all.
joy mom hospital 3
While you learn a lot about humanity inside those hospital walls, I hope to never be back inside one, or at least not for a very long time.

What lessons have you learned from hospital visits?

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September 13, 2015 · 10:14 am

The Parentless Daughter

Jodi’s post captures much of what I’m experiencing now, just over three months since my mother’s death, and coming upon the 4th anniversary of my father’s death in December. I’m sure others will be able to relate to this as well.

Source: The Parentless Daughter

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August 23, 2015 · 4:40 pm

A time of transition

Friday marked the three-month anniversary of my mother’s death. Certainly not a day goes by that I don’t think of her, but I am beginning to move through a transition phase.

Everyone’s grief process is unique and whether it takes a month or a year or 10 years, there is no reason to delay or rush the process. Nowadays, so many people want to be able to read a book or even just a Facebook post that offers them 10 steps to grieving and getting on with their lives.

I couldn't make it my home without adding a bit of "catitude" to the decor.

I couldn’t make it my home without adding a bit of “catitude” to the decor.

But like with the rest of life, grief is not easy.

With each marker of time, such as a birthday or holiday, the reminder of a loved one’s passing hits home once again. With each such event, the loss becomes more permanent.

I made decent strides while I was in New Mexico clearing out my parents’ belongings from the condo and beginning to add some of my own touches. This will be a long work in process, physically, financially and emotionally.

But the residence in New Mexico is slowly transitioning from being a place of sickness and burden, to being a place of rest and reflection. These kinds of shifts don’t happen overnight, and I know there will be bumps along the road.

There is a point where former caregivers can see beginnings, instead of just endings along their path of life. It takes some getting used to, but it’s part of the journey.

What helped you to cope after the death of a loved one?

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August 16, 2015 · 8:00 am

The $1,800 jacket

Always check pockets before donating or discarding clothing, especially when it belonged to someone with Alzheimer’s!

I have written previously about how Dad was obsessed with money. He carried around a bag of change and would dump it on the bed to sort it. He was paranoid people were trying to take his money so he carried around a large wad of bills wherever he went. The staff at the library Dad frequented told me about this, how they would try to tuck it back into his shirt pocket as it threatened to fall out at any moment.

dad jacket

This behavior is common to those with Alzheimer’s. So is stuffing things into the oddest places.

I finally tackled my parents’ clothes closet in earnest. I thought I had gone through my dad’s jacket pockets on a previous trip, knowing full well his tendency to hide things. We found an old family photo under the couch cushion, and I found letters and photos tucked inside junk mail.

I pulled out one particularly heavy and ratty old coat. I set it down on the junk pile and heard what sounded like the jangling of change. At the same time, I saw a bulge in the pocket. I reached in and pulled out a bag of coins, a lighter, and a large wad of bills.

The bill on top was a $100. I could also see dollar bills and foreign currency in the roll. I figured, okay the top bill was a $100, but the rest will probably be smaller bills.

Well, there were a lot of dollar bills and pound notes, but I was shocked to find the wad of bills was worth over $1,800!

This will make a small but noticeable dent in my credit card debt, so I am very grateful to have discovered it.

When caring for those with dementia, what appears to be trash can certainly turn out to be treasure!

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August 13, 2015 · 11:04 am

Coming home to an empty house

I am at my parents’ condo (guess I should start calling it my condo) for another round of tasks that come with inheriting property.

Just when I thought I was done being a caregiver, now I get to tend house!

I admit I had greater trepidation than I thought I would have regarding the return home. It’s not the first time I’m coming home to an empty house; I stayed here by myself when Mom was recovering from cancer in 2012.

Still, this time, the loss of my mother’s presence here is final, even though as I was stripping the bed and preparing it for donation my mother’s perfume filled the room.

image

Guess part of Mom still waited for my arrival.

If you’ve had to deal with property after a loved one’s death, please share your experiences.

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August 10, 2015 · 8:28 am

Dementia is not only about memory

A good read. It is true that Alzheimer’s is about so much more than memory loss. Those of us who have cared for someone with Alzheimer’s will be familiar with the symptoms outlined in this post.

Carrie Peterson's avatarDoctor Dementia and the Dementia Adventure

From the always helpful ThirdAge Services! I studied Gerontology with Carole at the University of North Texas. I was a fan of her back then and an even bigger fan now. If you are looking for advice or coordination in dementia care, she is an excellent Certified Dementia Consultant.

Most People think Alzheimer’s is only about Memory Loss; it Isn’t!

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August 3, 2015 · 11:11 am

Who the caregiving journey is really about

I am currently taking an online writing class which finishes up today. The content each class member writes is shared with the others in the group and the teacher/editor.

I always get so much out of these classes. One thing is that everyone has stories to tell. Some are funny, some are brutal, some are shocking. There is no such thing as boring when it comes to the human experience.

Photo credit: Freeimages.com/Ali AlMuallem

Photo credit: Freeimages.com/Ali AlMuallem

In addition to daily writing prompts, we are also asked to come up with a summary to help pitch our book idea. In a previous exercise, we had listed our character’s goals. Since my concept is a memoir, the main character is myself, and I wrote that the main goal was to “Keep Mom from dying, or if it’s her time, let her die with dignity.”

But as the teacher rightfully pointed out, a caregiving memoir is really the caregiver’s story. Even if a great deal of backstory is about the person being cared for, it is told through the filtered lens of the caregiver.

I think this is important to consider because so many caregivers lose their identities as they give more and more of themselves to others. The all-consuming duties of being a family caregiver leaves little time for reflection. When the caregiving phase of life ends, some are left wondering who they have become.

It can be a struggle to turn the lens on ourselves, after being out of the picture for so long. Whether through writing, music, art, dance or some other form of self-expression, it’s a place we owe to ourselves to explore.

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July 29, 2015 · 9:10 pm

Being a Long-Distance Caregiver

I know this feeling all too well. Glad there are organizations like the Alzheimer’s Association to help find resources for long-distance caregivers.

alzga's avatar Georgia Chapter Blog

long-distance-caregiving

“Something is wrong with mom!”  The realization is frightening no matter where you are, but especially when you live far away from a loved one exhibiting signs of dementia. What can you do when you live hours away and a phone conversation with your loved one turns into a confusing jumble of past conversations or paranoid rants? Lately, I’ve had several conversations with long-distance caregivers embarking on this new and scary journey.

Recently I spoke with *Cassandra, a young woman who is her elderly aunt’s only living relative. Cassandra flies across the country fairly regularly to ensure that her aunt’s bills are paid, home is maintained and her medical needs are met. On her most recent visit, Cassandra arrived to find her aunt’s air conditioner broken, the house steaming hot and her aunt looking unkempt for the first time in her life.  Cassandra felt heartbroken, afraid, embarrassed and unsure of…

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July 19, 2015 · 7:49 pm

A birthday missing a song

Today is my birthday, and I have to say I don’t mind being a year older. At least it offers me a symbolic new start, as 40 was one of the most difficult years of my life.

I’m having a lovely time in the mountains, but there is of course one thing missing. As I’ve mentioned previously on this blog, my parents always made a big production out of singing “Happy Birthday” to me over the phone.

I have a poor recording of Mom singing “Happy Birthday” to me last year, recorded from my cellphone. It’s only barely listenable, but I’m glad I have it.

I do have a good video and audio version of my parents singing “Happy Birthday” to me, but sadly, it was when Dad was rapidly declining in the care facility. The staff had him so drugged up that he could barely stay awake, and he mumbled through the song. Mom tried to compensate by being overly cheery, but I know her heart was breaking inside.

Just the year before, Dad belted out the best version ever, and even sang another classic crooner song. That is the recording I wish I had.

While I sometimes feel that in today’s world, people are so busy recording their lives to post on social media that they forget to be in the moment, the upside is that they will have all of the moments recorded to cherish later.

So my birthday wish is for everyone to experience and if so desired, record loving moments with their family. It truly is something we often take for granted, until the opportunities no longer exist.

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July 6, 2015 · 7:08 pm

Mom’s first birthday without her

Today would have been my mom’s 78th birthday.

Last year, Mom was still doing pretty well but the pain that would plague her for the rest of her life had already reared its ugly head. It was not yet the chronic, acute pain that would agonize her final months, but it was a sign that illness had rejoined the family.

I had a feeling this time last year that it would be my mom’s final birthday. At the time I feared the cancer had returned, but hoped it was just another hernia that could be surgically repaired.

My mom on her 77th birthday.

My mom on her 77th birthday.

We never did get a confirmation as to whether or not the cancer had returned, thanks to a whole host of roadblocks, from my mother’s surgeon suddenly leaving town, to appointments with the new surgeon getting bumped, to bad winter weather forcing her to cancel appointments. None of the scans that she had performed repeatedly showed a tumor, but by the time a colonoscopy was ordered, she was too weak to have it done.

I’m glad for her last birthday on this earth that I was with her and was able to present her with the Chicken Soup for the Soul book that included my submission which was inspired by my mother. She loved it and read it aloud over and over.

Today I went to an energy healing session. It was a fascinating and insightful experience and I highly recommend it if you feel like you are emotionally overwhelmed or emotionally blocked in some way. I’m an open-minded skeptic when it comes to such things, but the insights provided gave me plenty of food for thought and self-improvement tips for the mind, spirit and body.

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