June 24, 2012 · 6:37 pm

Pie for dinner

With Mom being ill right now, one of the things she misses most is going out to eat. Like I’ve mentioned many times before, we didn’t do anything fancy as a family, but we still enjoyed our dining out experiences.

When my parents decided for a “special occasion” meal, we would head to a stable of family-friendly restaurants. One of my favorite destinations was Polly’s Pies. I’m always excited to find out that a place from my childhood still exists, and apparently the regional restaurant chain is still going strong. I remember there used to be a long waiting list, sometimes we would mill about for a half-hour or more to get a table. I usually ordered a Polly burger, my dad would get the turkey dinner and Mom would get the tuna salad sandwich. Somehow, we saved room for dessert, which was the whole point of coming here in the first place!

One of my family’s favorite restaurants. Image: http://www.pollyspies.com/

Polly’s, as you might guess, was known for their pies. What’s funny is that my memory is fuzzy on what kinds of pies we ordered. My dad wasn’t much of a dessert guy (and was a penny-pincher) so I’m guessing he just had a bite or two of whatever my Mom got. I think we stuck mainly with fruit-based pies, though they also offered cheesecake. All I remember is my mom telling the waitress that she was going to have to roll us out of here we ate so much!

I just took a peek at their online menu and I remember some of the items! So weird, since it’s been over 20 years since my family has dined at a Polly’s. I’m even more impressed that they have a gluten-free menu! I have to be on a gluten-free diet, and a pie-based restaurant is the last place I would think would care about catering to the gluten-free crowd. Sadly though, no gluten-free pies!

Leave a comment

Filed under Memories

Tagged as , , ,

June 23, 2012 · 6:30 pm

Taking chances in life

My mom is doing an inventory of her life right now, as she awaits her diagnosis. She told me today how she was glad that she took chances.

One of those chances was on Dad. I like to think Dad took a chance as well.

They were both in their thirties in the late 1960’s. They met at a L.A. coffee shop, and bonded over horse racing results. They married in 1971 and I came along three years later. And the rest is history.

So for their generation, they were definitely older than average when they finally said, “I do.” It’s really just the powers of fate that brought them together at that diner on that day and had their worlds collide into one another.

There was no “love at first sight” or anything like that. But perhaps the romantic side of my mom got caught up in the allure of the mysterious, handsome dark-haired man from Ireland.

I’m glad Mom took that risk. Otherwise, I might not be here.

1 Comment

Filed under Memories

Tagged as , ,

June 22, 2012 · 8:17 pm

The downside of small-town living

With my mom’s health in jeopardy now, I’m reflecting back on my dad’s healthcare from the time he started suffering from dementia. The conclusion I’ve come to is that it’s okay to retire in a small town as long as you are reasonably healthy. My dad had COPD and emphysema but those were easy enough to manage, since he didn’t have any major symptoms.

But once you need more specialized care, you may be in big trouble. Certainly it wouldn’t make economic sense for every small town in America to have a horde of specialists at your beck and call. But for many Americans (and I suspect this applies in other countries as well), the high cost of living in a big city is just not feasible. Nowadays, people worry about living too long, and blowing through their meager savings, even if they live on a tight budget like my parents. So small-town life seems appealing. It’s easier to navigate around a small town and become familiar with your surroundings and maybe some of your neighbors. The cost of living is lower. It’s a more relaxed way of life.

It all makes sense, until you get really sick. Then one discovers, like I did with Dad, that the only care center that would accept him is over an hour’s drive away. The hospital in town is mediocre at best, and can afford to be, as they are the only game in town. It becomes disheartening to deal with the indifferent medical staff at doctor’s offices and at the hospital. You want your loved one to have the best of care, and you know this isn’t it. But you can’t just pick them up and drop them in a big city and have the best and brightest doctors treat them. Well, I guess you could if you won the lottery or something. Mom already did that, but she didn’t win enough.

I know my Dad’s care was not as good as it could have been, and now I fear the same fate for my Mom. In a weird twist, I felt like Dad’s dementia may have protected him from some of the medical gaffes that he suffered. My mom’s mental state has taken a hit, but she’s much more aware of what’s going on than Dad was. I fear she will be more aware of suffering. Sometimes I get tired of the rat race of city life and long to run to the mountains. But there’s no such thing as an oasis. Wherever you go, death will find you.

Leave a comment

Filed under Memories

Tagged as , ,

June 21, 2012 · 8:06 pm

Life is full of irony

So it will be awhile before I learn of Mom’s official diagnosis. I predict colon cancer. I hope I’m wrong about that.

But if it does turn out to be cancer, there will be such irony.

For years, before Dad got dementia, I worried about every time his cough worsened, or he had some vague pain somewhere. A smoker since he was 16, I was certain cancer would get him in the end. He was diagnosed with COPD and emphysema, a result of that smoking habit. But somehow, he dodged the cancer bullet. Of course, one could argue that dementia is the worse fate.

Yet my mom, who’s practically a vegetarian, who doesn’t drink and who smoked rarely for only a very brief period when it was trendy for women to do so, she may be the one who cancer nabs. Life truly is a crapshoot. I still believe that it’s better to play the odds and try to live a reasonably healthy lifestyle, but there are no guarantees that clean living will spare you from terrible diseases.

And if my Mom is diagnosed with a benign condition that can be corrected, it’s still a good wake-up call. Make good use of the time you have. We’re all borrowers when it comes to time left on this earth.

Leave a comment

Filed under Memories

Tagged as , , , , ,

June 20, 2012 · 7:09 pm

Six months since Dad died

Today is the longest day of the year, in more ways than one for me. On a positive note, while I did not actively participate, I fully support all of those who took part in The Longest Day event sponsored by The Alzheimer’s Association. The stories are so inspiring.

On a sadder note, today is the six month anniversary of my father’s death. It’s hard to believe so much time has passed already. I still think about him often, and not just when I’m writing on this blog. There are still regrets and pangs of guilt to work through.

My parents long ago, before disease caught up to them.

But now, the bad news. My mom has been very ill for over a week now. Symptoms include vomiting (with brown flecks), shortness of breath, bloating and distended stomach, shortness of breath, fatigue, loss of appetite and extreme heartburn. My mom has been in very good health (other than depression and grief over Dad) so I’ve been very concerned. Finally she had some tests done, and per my mom, the doctor said there was a problem with her colon. Since the tests were just xrays, I guess the C-word couldn’t be used until Mom gets a colonoscopy, but of course, my mind is racing to the likely conclusion that she has colon cancer. I hope it turns out to be something more treatable, but it looks like surgery may be in her future.

What’s most troubling is that she couldn’t get an appointment to see a specialist until July 12th. Mom hasn’t been able to keep any food down for over a week. She says her regular doctor is supposed to follow up with her regarding nutrition. I hope so!

(I tried calling her doctor but Mom hasn’t filled out the form that allows me to get information so I’m barred per HIPAA from knowing anything. I’m all for privacy rights but at the moment it’s frustrating.)

9 Comments

Filed under Memories

Tagged as , ,

June 19, 2012 · 8:58 pm

Dad teaching me to play checkers

Dad was never one for playing games. I can’t imagine him sitting down to play Tiddlywinks or Monopoly with me. Mom was my go-to game-playing parent.

But Dad did teach me how to play checkers.

My parents bought me one of those dimestore affairs, with a paper board that we taped because it fell apart and cheap plastic chips.

I was four years old.

I don’t remember much about the games we played. What I do remember is the brightly-colored plastic bowl by Dad’s side, filled with carrot and celery sticks. Dad was far from a vegetarian, and normally hated crunchy things, as he was afraid he would crack a tooth. I remember him crunching loudly on those crisp vegetables, sweat on his brow, his eyes ablaze with more than just someone playing a casual game of checkers with his young daughter.

Dad was kicking his Valium habit, the one he picked up after his brief run-in with Talwin. The Valium habit became pretty bad, even I could tell at that young age. I remember the fights, the retreating into the bedroom for days at a time, the growling bear that would emerge when he would join us for dinner.

So he quit. Cold turkey. He never touched Valium again as far as I know. (The psych meds he received at the end of his life were not his choice.)

In the end, it didn’t matter who won or lost all of those games of checkers. There was another game being played amidst those red and black squares, and Dad proved to be the winner.

1 Comment

Filed under Memories

Tagged as , ,

June 18, 2012 · 7:57 pm

How I became a horror movie fan

As protective as my parents could be (especially Mom), they didn’t always think things through clearly. Like it wasn’t probably a great idea to take a five-year-old to see “The Amityville Horror.”

It’s a wonder that I ended up becoming a huge horror movie fan. I could have easily been scarred for life! Sure, watching the movie as an adult I can appreciate the cheese factor, but as a kindergartner, walls that bled were the stuff made of nightmares. Of course, I had an interesting viewpoint, as my mom’s hand came down to cover my eyes every time a “scary” scene appeared. Still, there was the spooky music score to contend with.

Image credit: Amazon.com

I’m guessing my parents didn’t bother to read the reviews or maybe the babysitter cancelled at the last minute, but I will always remember sitting shellshocked in the backseat of the car after the movie, trying to pretend I wasn’t scared out of my mind while my mom explained to me that the movie was just make-believe. She was right in more ways than one, as the “true” story of the haunted house in Amityville was debunked.

Dad didn’t have a problem with horror movies, even though he could have terrible nightmares. But he was definitely not a fan of “The Amityville Horror.” Why? He didn’t like how the priest and nun were depicted in the film!

Leave a comment

Filed under Memories

Tagged as ,

June 17, 2012 · 2:55 pm

Father’s Day wishes

Today is the first Father’s Day I’m celebrating without Dad being alive. As I’ve mentioned before, Dad was not big on holidays, so there are not a lot of sentimental memories for me to tear up over today. It was odd not sending a card to him this year. It’s also odd not speaking to him on the phone, even though most of our conversations centered around mundane topics like the weather.

I decided to go ahead and buy a Father’s Day card this year, just so I could write the message I should have written to him all of those years he was alive and well. As those of you with dementia in your family know, the loss of that person’s identity can begin years before the physical death takes place. We love them whole and broken, but it’s important to show them that love while they can still fully recognize it. We just don’t know how much they know and feel once dementia takes hold.

Here’s the card I got. It’s actually one of the better ones I’ve found over the years, too bad Dad is not here to see it.


Here’s the message I wrote:

I’m thinking about you today and every day. It may be too late, but today I am saying thanks for all of the sacrifices you made over the years. Love, Joy

Leave a comment

Filed under Memories

Tagged as ,

June 16, 2012 · 5:56 pm

Fish & chips for Father’s Day

Since it’s Father’s Day weekend, I’ve been thinking about Dad’s favorite dishes and restaurants. As I’ve written before, Dad was a very down-to-earth guy. I don’t know if he ever ate in a fancy 4-star restaurant before I came along, but I certainly don’t remember any lavish dining experiences as a kid. Dad certainly adopted the typical American diet of fast food well enough, and he enjoyed Americanized versions of ethnic cuisine, like spaghetti and burritos. He never was a steak kind of guy though, as he always preferred seafood.

He loved fish & chips. Back when I was a kid, we used to go to Arthur Treacher’s. You can watch this retro commercial of the restaurant from the late 1970’s. I so remember that ugly brown and yellow color scheme! I also remember the newspaper-like wrapper they would use to line the baskets of food.

Dad loved the fish & chips platter. Mom usually ordered the same thing, and let Dad have a piece of her fish. I was all about the hush puppies!

But Dad would usually end up paying for the meal later. Too much malt vinegar and/or too much tartar sauce would give him digestive issues that would send him running to the bathroom. I clearly remember going to the park after a meal at Arthur Treacher’s and Dad clutching his stomach, with that sickly smile that he knew he had indulged too much in a favorite meal again. I remember dusk falling and Mom sending in a stranger to check in on Dad in the men’s bathroom, because he had been in there so long!

Still, despite those episodes, Dad loved fish & chips. I think they reminded him of back home and his brief time in England as a young man. A taste of his youth long left behind, replaced with the sunny palm trees of southern California.

Leave a comment

Filed under Memories

Tagged as , ,

June 15, 2012 · 7:14 pm

Dad and his dog-eared library books

As we head into Father’s Day weekend, I’m reminded of some of the quirks of his personality. It drove Mom crazy that Dad insisted upon folding the corners of pages of books borrowed from the library. To him, it was simply practical; but Mom thought about those poor souls who would check out the book after Dad and have to deal with all of the creased corners.

I did my part to support Mom’s campaign. I bought Dad multiple bookmarks over the years, all of which were never used.

Dad also used library books as his day planner. He would stuff letters to be mailed, bills to be paid, etc. in the pages of library books. I wonder how many cards I sent him accidentally went back to the library, to be tossed into the trash by an annoyed librarian!

I for the most part read books electronically now, so there’s little opportunity to follow in Dad’s footsteps. But every time I see a poor book with abused corners, I will think of Dad.

Leave a comment

Filed under Memories

Tagged as , , ,