Tag Archives: memorial

December 20, 2024 · 8:00 am

Marking the anniversary of my father’s death

Posing with the bears outside of the Ruidoso Public Library, 2004.

My father died 13 years ago today. Having spent time recently going through the final batch of my father’s possessions, I feel his spirit even closer this year.

I didn’t have down time while I was cleaning out my parents’ condo, so I got up extra early on the day I was leaving to visit the library. I took a photo with one of the bear statues. It was too early for the library to be open but I was glad I squeezed in the time to take in the sights and sounds of nature along the picturesque walking trail to the library, as my father did so many times.

Posing with the bears again, Nov. 2024.

It was my father’s favorite spot. He spent countless hours there, and even as his dementia progressed and his reading skills diminished, he still made his way to the library out of habit.

I don’t visit libraries myself anymore, having adopted the convenience of e-books, but as I mentioned in my last blog post, libraries will always hold a special place in my heart.

Even though it’s been well over a decade since my father’s passing, marking the somber anniversary still does have an impact on my holiday spirit. For those who have experienced loss during the holiday season, allow yourself the space and self-compassion to adjust expectations.

Reflection and remembrance can take many forms, and your preferences may change over time. Be authentic and don’t try to force emotions.

I know this can be easier said than done when it comes to demands from others, who may not appreciate the complexities and individuality of the grieving process. My wish for you this holiday season is that others will be supportive and understanding.

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September 16, 2024 · 8:00 am

Remembering a former colleague, community activist

Earlier this month, a former colleague of mine, Marcia Killingsworth, died from lung disease. Our paths crossed professionally when we worked for the same newspaper and then we became longtime Facebook friends, where we shared a loving devotion to our cats.

I knew that Marcia had been actively involved in her community of Edison, Georgia, where she moved back to after retiring. An article written after her death highlighted just what a difference her contributions made to the town. Marcia was dogged in her dedication to holding the town’s leaders financially accountable, faithfully attending monthly city council meetings, taking notes and asking critical questions. She followed up on issues until she received answers, and documented everything on social media. This is not glamourous work, but it is necessary. Her actions inspired others to join her. One of those residents said of Marcia: “She was the one who brought Edison to light.”

I love that and hope it will offer inspiration for those of us working to raise awareness of Alzheimer’s and other dementias. Sometimes our work can seem futile and discouraging, but individually and collectively, we are making a difference. Our actions may not make headlines or go viral, but they will be remembered by others.

Illustration by Microsoft Copilot.

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July 6, 2024 · 12:22 pm

Thinking of Mom on her birthday

Mom would have been 87 today. While Mom and I were opposites in many ways, I did gain an appreciation of music from her. She loved her Martin guitar and it survived several moves with her. She taught me to play a bit when I was a kid; it kept me occupied over those long, hot summers in California. After she died, the guitar was one of the mementos that I cherished the most, so it’s now in my home. I’ve attempted to play it again sporadically, and hope one day I can dedicate enough time to be able to play casually again.

I also inherited an appreciation of a wide range of music from my mother. She loved listening to everything from Mozart and Beethoven to Johnny Cash and Willie Nelson. She even tried to appreciate the music I loved growing up, and the music video craze of the 1980s. I think Cyndi Lauper was probably her favorite, because she was so fun and colorful.

Mom would be proud knowing I was still sharing our family caregiving story with others. You can listen to my appearance on the Caregiver SOS podcast on Spotify or your preferred podcast hosting service. I’ll write more about the appearance in my next post.

A reminder: I’m participating in the Smashwords Summer/Winter sale. Get the e-book version of my award-wining collection of personal essays, The Reluctant Caregiver, for half-off (just 99 cents!) during the entire month of July. Enter the code SSW50 at checkout.

Check out my summer book recommendations for caregivers for even more books to help you on your caregiving journey.

As an Amazon Associate I earn from qualifying purchases.

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February 24, 2024 · 3:47 pm

Remembering Wendy Mitchell, who shared her dementia experience with candor, compassion

I was saddened to learn that Wendy Mitchell, who so generously and insightfully shared her experience living with dementia through her blog and books, died this week. However, I take solace in knowing that Mitchell left this world in a way that honored the agency she still had over her own life.

I mostly knew Mitchell through her blog, Which me am I today? The blog’s title captures the dementia experience so well. I enjoyed the photos she shared from her sunrise walks, which included gorgeous skies as well as a variety of birds and other animals. Mitchell was dedicated to her nature walks, writing that the “miracle of nature would thin the glue in my head and bring me alive again.” Mitchell shared the full spectrum of the dementia experience, demonstrating that memory impairment does not prevent those with dementia from continuing to feel a wide range of emotions, maintaining a sense of humor, and achieving new milestones.

At the same time, Mitchell was clear-eyed about what the end of the dementia journey looks like for many people, and she was determined to not have her life end that way. She had been making her end of life plans for awhile, consulting with family and getting their blessing. Because assisted dying isn’t a legal option in the UK, Mitchell planned to travel to Switzerland and utilize the services available at Dignitas. But a recent fall in which she spent a week in the hospital derailed those plans. With her mobility limited, Mitchell chose to stop eating and drinking. You can read Mitchell’s final blog post which goes into detail about her decision process. I encourage you to read it, even if you disagree with her choice.

For the record, I support assisted dying and would consider that option for myself. I think it’s a decision for an individual, in consultation with family members, medical providers and spiritual advisers to make, NOT government officials.

Mitchell shared on her blog what she hoped to accomplish by sharing her dementia journey: “What I want is not sympathy. What I want is simply to raise awareness.” Mission accomplished.

Mitchell was a cherished member of AlzAuthors, read their lovely tribute.

Illustration by Microsoft Copilot.

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August 6, 2022 · 2:02 pm

A mantra for those who are grieving

What we’ve learned about grief is that it is a very personal, individualized process. No one grieves for the loss of their loved ones in exactly the same way. While plenty of guidance exists for those who are struggling through the grieving process, it truly is a journey we take alone.

When psychologist Carol Ellstein lost her first husband suddenly and unexpectedly, she developed a mantra to help with the grieving process. What she chose really resonated with me: “Grief sucks. Life goes on.”

I liked the realist approach, as it is what I embraced and wrote about in my book, The Reluctant Caregiver. This approach isn’t for everyone, but it can be liberating to stop trying to force yourself to see the bright side and sit with the meaning of loss until you’ve processed it enough to move on. That process may take months, years, or it may be ongoing for the rest of your life.

Mantras aren’t set in stone; they can be adapted along your grief journey. A friend of Ellstein’s offered a playful twist to her mantra by suggesting, “Life sucks. Grief goes on.” Ellstein found there were days as she was in the early, active grieving process in which her friend’s suggestion was fitting. She would offer herself more self-care on the days in which “life sucked.”

As time moved on, Ellstein’s mantra continued to evolve. By the second year after her husband’s death, her mantra became, “Grief still sucks, and life still goes on.” By year three, she found that she didn’t need to use her mantra as much, as she emerged into a new normal.

I hope Ellstein’s approach can be helpful to others who are embarking on that dreaded journey of grief. It does indeed suck, but there are moments of profound insight that emerge as well.

Photo by Nick Fewings on Unsplash.

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December 28, 2021 · 10:43 am

Farewell to a sweet soul

I had to say goodbye to my beloved Rosalie two days before Christmas. She went into respiratory distress and a large mass was found on her trachea, which was almost entirely blocking her airway and ability to breathe. Because of its location, her age, and her condition, there were no realistic treatment options. I decided to let her go while she was still under anesthesia from the diagnostic procedure so she could slip out of this world as peacefully as possible.

Rosalie came into my life at the worst of times (my mother dying) and departed during another tough period of my life. I was fortunate to get six years with her delightful spirit. She was by far the easiest cat I’ve ever cared for and very affectionate. While I’ve loved the timid cats that I’ve adopted over the years, Rosalie was not shy at all. Nothing much seemed to spook her. She lived every day soaking up the simple pleasures of life (sitting on the heat vent or napping on the heated blanket during the winter, enjoying food, being petted, knocking her favorite crinkle ball toys under the couch) and I would marvel at how content and relaxed she was no matter what strife I and/or the world was facing.

I may have jinxed her by thinking she could be my “20 year old cat,” because she had the calm and happy-go-lucky demeanor that centenarians often have. Alas, cancer claimed her just a month after her 15th birthday.

The day I adopted Rosalie I put aside my normal common sense and went with my gut instinct. It was just days after another one of my beloved cats had died and many people would have felt it was too soon to adopt another. The weather that day was dreadful and for any other event or task, I would have opted out. Navigating through violent thunderstorms, I arrived at the shelter and met with Rosalie just minutes before another adopter arrived asking about her. From that fateful beginning, Rosalie and I forged a special bond.

She taught me that sometimes rules and traditions are meant to be broken and she could have taught a master class in self-care. I will be forever grateful that the universe brought her into my life.

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