Monthly Archives: November 2012

November 30, 2012 · 8:19 pm

Dad vs. Mom in the hospital

It’s impossible for me not to compare my parents and their completely opposite experiences in the hospital. Of course, there are many reasons for the extreme contrasts. Dad had a mental illness, Alzheimer’s, which dominated any physical ailments that he suffered from. So for Dad, hospital experiences were muted. Sometimes, the physical symptoms could be treated with medications and procedures, but there was no cure for the disease that was robbing his mind. Luckily, he was not an aggressive dementia patient, but he was a shadow of his former self. The nurses and other caregivers that took care of Dad on his numerous hospital visits seemed to be able to see beyond the current shell of a man.

But unlike Mom, Dad never received the high fives and accolades that Mom has, as she recovers from surgeries and other medical setbacks. I thought about that again today, as Mom was wheeled out of the hospital by a nurse. She has developed a hernia from her surgical procedure back in July. She will need to have surgery in the next month, but for now, she can go home. People waved and cheered as she was rolled down the hallway, towards the front door to freedom.

While Dad was never violent, due to his dementia, he could not be a fully cooperative patient. Mom on the other hand is every nurse’s dream. Charming, funny, and always wearing makeup, she is the bright spot in what can be otherwise dreary days for healthcare workers. Mom may be battling physical ailments, but mentally, she can still delight others.

Just like Dad used to be able to do, before Alzheimer’s robbed him of his personality.

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November 29, 2012 · 7:48 pm

An anniversary not to be

This week my parents would have celebrated their 41st anniversary. Last year, Dad was in the hospital, barely hanging on to life, a hulking ventilator lurking in the corner of the room, breathing for him. The fact that it was their 40th anniversary was the only reason why I had wanted him to hang on for dear life. I knew it was important for Mom to mark that day with Dad still alive. The hospital staff had called us a few days before, asking for permission to “pull the plug.”

Dad was under conscious sedation, so I certainly don’t think he had any idea we were celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary. The hospital staff brought Mom a slice of cake from the cafeteria to mark the special day. Mom read aloud the message in the anniversary card she had bought for Dad. It had a picture of a wine bottle on it. The card’s message read:

“Being in love with you has a wonderful way of making a world that makes sense.”

Mom added: “Pat, today is our 40th anniversary. You have been a wonderful husband and companion to me and I treasure you.”

Mom had the card cremated with Dad, as her final message to her mate of 40 years.

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November 28, 2012 · 9:48 pm

Moan from the past

So Mom is back in the hospital and the small town hospital she is in has been eerily quiet. We were told there were only two patients that were inpatient last night, including my mom. Today, that number swelled to five. There was one patient in particular that made himself known, because he was in so much obvious pain.

He would moan, starting low and working his way up to a pitiful, alarming wail. It was very disturbing and continued for hours. I heard the nurse say they were giving him his pain medication, but the poor man didn’t seem to be able to find relief.

The moans reminded me of my dad, when he would have nightmares at home. I’ve written many times before about the vivid nightmares my father would have, and the moans he would make, the desperate calls for help that would escape his mouth sounded so much like the patient in the hospital.

So we went from eerily quiet to an eerie reminder of Dad in distress at the hospital today.

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November 27, 2012 · 10:09 pm

Dad lost at the post office

I was talking to one of the local shuttle drivers that used to take my dad on errands around town. This was as Dad was beginning to move into mid-stage Alzheimer’s, where he could no longer be trusted to complete even simple tasks independently. One of the chores my mom would send Dad out to do was to get the mail at the post office. The driver would drop Dad off and wait for him. This should have only taken a few minutes. Dad was in there about 10 minutes and the driver got worried, so he went inside to look for him.

He said Dad was wandering around, with a lost look on his face. He said, “I can’t find our box.” Surprisingly, he remembered what number the box was, just not where it was located. This was a task he had easily managed to do hundreds of times before.

The driver helped Dad get the mail but soon after, Mom would have to add one more chore to her growing list, as Dad lost the ability to complete even the most mundane of tasks successfully on his own.

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November 26, 2012 · 11:27 pm

Sometimes you know when something is wrong

So Mom is back in the hospital. After being discharged from the ER on Friday, she really hasn’t felt any better, despite the new medications she is on.

Today, she became violently ill in the doctor’s office. Finally, that was enough suffering for my mom to get admitted to the hospital.

And now we will ride another ride of tests, procedures and potential surgeries. We will be on hospital time once again, and that’s a time zone no one wants to find themselves in.

This time last year, I was standing by my dad’s bedside, holding his hand, telling him how much I loved him. One year later, I will do the same for my mom.

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November 25, 2012 · 8:07 pm

A golden opportunity tarnished

My parents saw quite a bit of the country (and world) when they were young, long before they married. Because they were older when they finally tied the knot, and I came along a few years later, they were quite content to settle down in suburbia. The wanderlust from their youth had vanished.

Carlsbad Caverns: Photo credit: NPS Photo by Peter Jones

But once they retired, and moved to their final home in New Mexico, they hoped to travel a bit. They were never going to be the jet-set type, but they wanted to at least travel to nearby attractions. They visited the Carlsbad Caverns and received a Golden Age Passport (now called Senior Pass.). This would have allowed them to visit other national parks around the country at heavily discounted rates.

Mom hoped to be able to use the pass for future trips. But dementia reared its ugly head and vacations became a distant dream. Those “golden years” where couples who have worked hard all of their lives are supposed to be able to enjoy carefree days were tarnished forever.

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November 24, 2012 · 8:20 pm

A Gathering I must attend

It’s strange the people who you cross paths with, often at the darkest moments in your life. I think these chance encounters are much more memorable than the casual, day-to-day encounters that vanish from our minds almost immediately.

Today, I met one of the owners of the local Irish pub. He was taking a cab because “his truck got drunk last night.” Ha, that’s the best excuse for admitting you are too drunk to drive that I’ve ever heard!

Image courtesy of Tourism Ireland

His Irish accent was apparent. He said he was from Dublin and had been in New Mexico for about 8 years. I offhandedly mentioned that the change in scenery must have been quite a shock. He agreed and talked about how he hadn’t been home in about four years and really wanted to get home next year for “The Gathering.”

I inquired further and learned that there is this whole movement in 2013 encouraging those who have immigrated from Ireland to return to their beloved homeland during the year. I wish Dad could have lived long enough (and in his right mind) to participate himself, but what a great way to honor his memory and his love of his birthplace than to travel to Belfast in 2013.

It just so happens that the last of Dad’s assets have been processed and the final check is more than enough to cover a trip to Ireland. Of course, there are sensible things to do like pay down credit card debt, and make sure Mom will have enough to live on. But I hope there will be enough left to finally visit the land that Dad loved so much, to participate in “The Gathering” with people like I met today.

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November 23, 2012 · 7:34 pm

Another Black Friday in the hospital

Another Black Friday, another parent in the hospital.

What a way to spend a holiday weekend.

The roller coaster of emotions is almost unbearable.

The good news is that we are going home. But what we don’t know is if the issue is truly resolved, and what tomorrow will bring.

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November 22, 2012 · 6:34 pm

The first Thanksgiving without Dad

It has been a strange, bittersweet Thanksgiving holiday for me. I am spending the week with Mom, but now she’s having some troubling health symptoms that we need to go have checked out tomorrow. So she can’t even enjoy any food today, not that we were going to do a traditional feast.

We decided to skip the turkey and fixings, but the memories of past holiday meals linger. We never had the big family gatherings that many other people enjoy. It was just the three of us, so I think we miss his presence even more because it’s such a huge hole in our little family.

By far, Dad’s favorite holiday was Thanksgiving. He loved all of the traditional dishes served on that day, but I think the turkey was his favorite. He would always ask for seconds on that day! I wish Dad could have enjoyed a real turkey one year, as we always bought those little “turkey roasts in a box” since it was just the three of us.

He wasn’t that big on desserts, which left more pumpkin pie for me, which I was just fine with. 🙂

Holidays and illness unfortunately do mix sometimes. It’s just one of those unavoidable facts of life. Thankfully, I’m not that sentimental about holidays, but I can’t help but think about how it’s been one year now that my life has revolved around illness and loss. These life-altering experiences make you reassess your priorities and what is truly meaningful. It also makes me wonder when I see all of the Facebook posts where people so casually give thanks to family and friends. I’m not saying people are not sincere, but it’s so easy to take all of those special people in your life for granted. I’ve certainly been guilty of it. This past year has taught me a difficult, but important lesson.

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November 21, 2012 · 9:04 pm

Dad jealous of another man

Mom told me a funny story about Dad’s Irish temper and latent jealous tendencies that I never heard about before. Mom had bought a bottle of Jovan White Musk and sprayed a bit on before heading to the grocery store. A fellow shopper, who also happened to be a fellow, caught wind of the enticing scent. He approached Mom and asked her what kind of perfume she was wearing. Sounds like a typical pickup line, right?

Turns out he just wanted to get a gift for his girlfriend, who emerged from around another aisle. The man asked his girlfriend if she would like him to buy her a bottle of this perfume. She took a whiff and said yes. The guy prodded Mom on where to buy it and went on his way.

Mom told the story to Dad who was none too pleased about another man telling his wife she smelled nice! I never knew Dad to be the jealous type so it was kind of a sweet and funny story to hear.

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