Category Archives: Memories

June 16, 2013 · 1:46 pm

Remembering what is important on Father’s Day

For those of us who have lost a father due to Alzheimer’s complications or who are watching their dad battle the disease right now, Father’s Day is a holiday with mixed emotions. But while the damage Alzheimer’s inflicts on families should never be forgotten, this is also a good day to reflect on the positives of your relationship with your dad. After all, you might not be feeling such pain or loss if you did not value him and love him deeply as a father to begin with. For some people being estranged from their father makes this holiday a very painful experience as well.

For me, the realization that I did deeply love my dad and didn’t have this distant, indifferent relationship I always imagined came after Dad began losing his mind. That is unfortunate, but I know right before he started to change, I was able to tell him how I know it was difficult dealing with Mom sometimes and to just try to hang in there. In fact, one of the last things I remember him saying to me on my last visit before he became ill was, “Your mother is driving me crazy!”

dad-joy-sm

I can still hear his hoarse, smoker’s voice making that half-joking, half-serious accusation. (My parents drove each other a little crazy, but they were devoted to one another.)

I could beat myself up today for not being there more often for my dad when he began the sad, slow slide into dementia. But at least I did get to hold his hand and tell him how much I loved him in the last couple of months of his life. And he was even aware and able to respond at one point: “I know you do.”

Actions of the past can’t be changed so as caregivers and family members we should stop being so hard on ourselves. Take today to remind yourself of the more pleasant times and let them bring joy to you even now as you mourn or suffer.

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June 11, 2013 · 9:22 pm

Tracing Dad to The Bronx

So on my continued quest to follow Dad’s early years in America, I present another one of Dad’s former NYC residences. Next stop: 1650 Topping Avenue in The Bronx.

Building in The Bronx where my father once lived. Image: Google Maps.

Building in The Bronx where my father once lived. Image: Google Maps.

The building looks to be in decent shape, though from what I gather, the neighborhood isn’t the best. The Bronx Historical Society offers interesting perspectives from former Bronx residents who lived in the neighborhood around the time my Dad resided there. Historic Claremont Park is just steps away and is one of the neighborhood’s oldest greenspaces. I found a blog post from a doctor who talks about playing punch ball as a kid in Claremont Park from 1948-1953, just a few years before Dad lived in the area.

I’m enjoying my virtual tracing of Dad’s life in this country. I love history so learning more about such iconic areas of the U.S. is a treat.

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June 2, 2013 · 8:00 pm

Live and Let Die

Assisted suicide is a controversial topic and when discussing it from a dementia perspective, the issue becomes even more complex, both legally and morally. I appreciate Living with Dementia opening the discussion on their blog.

Wanderer's avatarLiving with Dementia

The subject of this post may not be suitable for some readers, and could be hard reading. It is regarding assisted suicide so please do not read if you feel it may make you uncomfortable. I however have decided to write about this tricky subject in the best way I can as I do think we should talk about it, it’s implications and whether for some, it may be the best way.

This was a post I wanted to write some time ago after reading a news article about Melvyn Bragg. For those of you who have not read it Melvyn had watched his mother struggle with dementia up until her death.

This prompted him to insist on the right for assisted suicide (for those with dementia). The article also calls on Sir Terry Pratchett, who was diagnosed with dementia when he was 57. He also agrees that assisted suicide…

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May 26, 2013 · 12:25 am

Tracing Dad’s footsteps: Brooklyn

I mentioned in a recent post that digging deeper to trace someone’s past can sometimes be insightful. I remembered that I had in my possession Dad’s social security card, his draft card and voter registration card. Why not Google the addresses to see what I could uncover?

My father once lived in Brooklyn, NY in the red brick building in the center.

My father once lived in Brooklyn, NY in the red brick building in the center. Image: Google Maps

I started with 421 59th Street in Brooklyn, New York. Luckily, despite all of the shiny new skyscrapers dotting the New York skyline, many of New York City’s older buildings are still in existence, often seemingly untouched, a snapshot of yesteryear. Google Maps brought it up with no problem, and I found myself staring at a modest looking building where, at least according to the government document, my father lived during some point in the mid to late 1950’s.

Online research tools make it easier to hunt down bits and pieces of the past. Of course, a place without stories is just an address but every little piece of information is precious.

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May 20, 2013 · 9:51 pm

Tips for Enhancing Mealtime Success

I found these tips so fascinating and hopefully useful for current caregivers. My dad struggled with swallowing at the end of his life and I wish the staff at the facility he was at had been aware of some of these insightful tips.

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May 14, 2013 · 7:09 pm

Memories set to music

I’ve long been a fan of singer-songwriter Patty Griffin. I feel she is one of the best songwriters alive. Her music is emotionally moving, alternately joyful and heartbreaking. Her latest album, “American Kid” was released this month. It is a tribute to her father who died a few years ago. Many of the songs are about loss and waiting for someone who is on the brink of life and death to pass. Griffin’s father was a proud Boston Irish Catholic and I could imagine him sharing some attributes with my own father. There’s even a song called “Irish Boy” on the album.

Image courtesy of PattyGriffin.com

Image courtesy of PattyGriffin.com

I was particularly struck by the particular memories that Griffin crafted into beautiful songs. “Don’t Let Me Die in Florida” was a phrase her father said after visiting the state to bury his brother. “Wild Old Dog” was inspired by a lengthy road trip Griffin took, where she saw a stray dog race across the highway, leaving her to ponder how God is like a wild old dog abandoned on the side of the road. A moment that most of us would only momentarily feel sadness about became a beautiful philosophical statement. And “That Kind of Lonely” which made me visualize a family gathered around a departing loved one, struck me with the line “Everyone in this room wanted to be somewhere else.” That is so true, whether it’s a dying relative or visiting a loved one in a nursing home.

It is understandably a moving and sometimes heartbreaking album but there are also moments of joy and throughout the album, a deep and everlasting love for her father. Not all of us have the talent of Patty Griffin, but it is inspiring me to remember the small moments as well as the big moments and continue to honor my father’s memory through writing.

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May 4, 2013 · 10:22 am

Taking a second look

When I was going through Dad’s old photos and documents again, I came across a recommendation letter that I wrote about in a previous post This was from Dad’s New Orleans years. I know very little about that time period of Dad’s life. At least the date on the letter, March 12, 1959 gives me some point of reference. Dad left Belfast quite young (I believe Aunt Maureen said Dad was 17) and worked a couple of years in England. Then he came to America in the early 1950s and lived in New York City (primarily Brooklyn I believe). By 1959 he was obviously living in New Orleans. By 1965, he was living at the Cecil Hotel in Los Angeles, according to his naturalization record.

Dad-ltr-2

I’ve been trying to piece together more on that New Orleans period. I happened to Google the man’s name on the recommendation letter, James A. Comiskey and discovered that he became a federal district court judge and was outspoken about civil rights. He died in 2005.

You never know what you might stumble upon when looking through old documents that seem to be mundane in nature. I highly recommend taking a second look at any photos or documents you have of loved ones because they may contain interesting bits of history just waiting to be discovered.

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April 29, 2013 · 12:32 pm

Are all diseases treated equally? – I say no!!!! Alzheimer’s far behind all others

An interesting and thought-provoking perspective. Should the government fund disease research equally across the board? Currently, Alzheimer’s is WAY behind other diseases like cancer and AIDS. Yet, Alzheimer’s care cost the government and society far more. A difficult issue that warrants further discussion.

Richard Kenny's avatarRichard A Kenny's Alzheimer's | Dementia | Caregiving | Caregiver | Family | EndALZ | Parents

I recently attended the Alzheimer’s Advocacy Forum in DC. I also heard our message that we need to ask for additional funding, but our goal is not to take from any other diseases that are funded by the National Institutes of Health (NIH).

In some regards, I disagree with this! I know my opinion will not be shared by many, if any!

Fact:

Alzheimer’s is the costliest disease in the country! (Medicade/Medicare and family funded)

$140+ Billion paid by Medicaid and Medicare and only $483 Million in research dollars last year. If we invested $14 Billion a year towards Alzheimer’s research, that would only be 10% of what the federal government spends on Alzheimer’s care. I think that is a good investment to reduce our future expenses.

“… Alzheimer’s is the most expensive malady in the U.S….”

“… skyrocketing at a rate that rarely occurs with a chronic disease.”

“……

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April 23, 2013 · 12:53 pm

Melting pot woes

With the profile of the two Tsarnaev brothers who are suspects in the Boston Marathon bombing evolving, it appears they were once grateful immigrants to America. Of course, they were children then. As they grew up, something apparently changed, especially for the elder brother. I’ve been thinking a lot about Dad and his own experience as a young man immigrating all by himself to America from Northern Ireland. He would have been about the same age as Dzhokhar Tsarnaev, the surviving suspect and the younger of the two brothers.

Like the Tsarnaev brothers, my father hailed from a war-torn region which had seen a lot of bloody conflict with the government that controlled the area. Dad spoke openly about his hatred for the ruling British system in Northern Ireland and his deep-seated belief that Northern Ireland Catholics should be free from British control. From time to time, he would make vague mentions of IRA membership and how he couldn’t return home to Belfast because of his past activity. I’ll never know for sure but I will guess this was just a bit of paranoia on his part. I do believe that if he had stayed in Belfast and never immigrated to the U.S., he likely would have become heavily involved in the IRA. Dad was a very proud Irishman and while not a violent person, I do believe he would have been willing to lay his life on the line for the cause.

A joke card from one of Dad's bars back in the day.

The only thing this made Dad a member of was a bar.

The IRA is of course designated a terrorist organization, though Dad always defended the group whenever there was an IRA-sponsored bombing that caused casualties and made the world news report. The U.S. government has played a mediator role in negotiations, with a mixed record of success. Still, I can’t imagine Dad being involved in an attack against his adopted country to make some sort of statement for the IRA.

Certainly, radical Islam and the IRA are two very different beasts. America was a very different country when my father arrived in the early 1950’s, though still heavily broken down by ethnic groups where he lived in Brooklyn. In the light of the tragic Boston Marathon attack, I wish I could ask Dad more about his experiences as a young immigrant trying to find his way in a rapidly developing America. Did he have doubts and frustrations? Did he ever want to leave and return to Ireland?

America’s diversity in race, religion and culture has been a unique and overall successful experiment. But tragedies like the Boston Marathon also highlight the struggles the melting pot creates.

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April 17, 2013 · 12:22 pm

Living with grief

I’ve been contemplating grief, both mine and others lately. This was even before the tragic events at the Boston Marathon. I’ve watched documentaries covering the topics of the dying and the grieving process for those left behind. I watched “Griefwalker” featuring Stephen Jenkinson, a fascinating man who has dedicated part of his life to helping spiritually care for the dying. He makes some interesting points about how much humans fear death, even now with technological advances that removes much of the pain and suffering. We have convinced ourselves we fear the suffering, but it is really the unknown that death offers that strikes fear in our heart.

Image credit: OrphanWisdom.com

Image credit: OrphanWisdom.com

With Alzheimer’s and dementia patients, it’s so hard to know how much they still understand as they move towards their own dying process. I know my father was very afraid of dying, and especially of the thought of being placed in a coffin and buried. At least we were able to take that worry from him by having him cremated. But there is no way of knowing if those who are mentally compromised grasp the notion of death even in the moment it occurs. Perhaps it doesn’t matter at all to the dying, perhaps they are already on a different plane. Perhaps it is only those that are left behind who must grapple with the dying process.

I often think back to the morning my father died in the shower of the skilled nursing facility. Was there any recognition on his part that he was departing this life? Or was he trapped within the murky world of dementia until his last breath?

In ways I think we try too hard to make sense of the very natural processes of living and dying. We complicate matters by trying to rationalize every aspect of our world instead of allowing ourselves to feel both the pain and joy of living.

This quote from Stephen Jenksion is very simple yet profound: “Grief: It’s how you love all of those things in life that end.”

Indeed.

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