March 17, 2016 · 7:43 pm

Irish spirit in the air

Even though my father notoriously did not approve of St. Patrick’s Day, the commercialized version of it, I can’t help but think of him today.

shamrock pin

Most days, my subway ride to work is not memorable, which probably is a good thing, the way the world is today. But today, I took time to notice all of the people who were wearing green, and it was definitely over half the car. People of all genders, races and creeds all uniting, members of the green team for a day.

Silly, maybe, but as the world seems to get more divided and contentious with each waking moment, I will appreciate unity wherever I can find it.

I also had to play a little Bing for my dad. This was one my dad used to sing to me as a child, and he could do a pretty darn good Bing Crosby imitation.

Hope Dad is smiling somewhere.

 

 

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March 13, 2016 · 12:20 pm

Finding grace amidst grief

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It was part of my job to follow Nancy Reagan’s funeral on Friday. But it was also a lesson on grace, grief and choosing love at the right moment.

The fact that daughter Patti Davis and Nancy Reagan had a difficult relationship is well known. It has been written about and documented in numerous books and interviews by Davis and Reagan as well as political pundits and gossip columnists.

Imagine the pressure you would feel when asked to speak at the funeral of a relative who you had a love/hate relationship with, a funeral that was being broadcast to millions of people across the nation.

Oh sure, Patti Davis has led a life of privilege, but money and power doesn’t guarantee happiness.

Davis recounted a humorous prank that Nancy played on Ronald, a moment she relived with her mother in the days before her death. After telling the story, Davis said at the time she didn’t realize that would be the last time she would hear her mother laugh.

That really struck a personal chord with me, because I also think back to the last time my mother laughed and made me laugh. I can remember the moment in great detail. It was the day we started her morphine, finally, after battling the doctor and home hospice for more pain relief. A few doses in, Mom woke up for a nap and wanted to get up. I helped her out of bed and asked her how she was feeling, looking for any signs of the common side effects, such as nausea or dizziness.

Mom grabbed the puke bucket that I had placed on the bed in preparation for any such issues, and placed it on her head (yes, it was empty.) She then danced a little jig.

It was the only time that entire last month of my mother’s life that I genuinely laughed.

An hour or two later, Mom was vomiting into the bucket.

But back to Davis. She didn’t ignore the difficult relationship she had with her mother, saying that there were never any shades of grey in their relationship, but instead bright colors and passionate emotions. She took responsibility for her actions while not exonerating her mother, as death does not wipe clean a person’s past transgressions.

On Friday though, Davis chose love, and she did so with grace and humor.

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March 6, 2016 · 9:35 pm

The gift of taking a break

It has been so long since I have taken a real vacation that I can’t even remember where I went the last time.

The last several years, taking a real vacation was simply not an option. When you are a caregiver, you are on call 24/7. This is true even if you are a long-distance caregiver. Any time I went away for a few days, I was concerned if I lacked a cell phone signal. Wonder if Mom needed me? Wonder if Dad took a turn for the worse? While I found some enjoyment in weekend trips to the mountains, I never truly could tune out of life’s responsibilities.

beach

This time, in a trip that was postponed for several years, I took a full week off to visit Florida, stopping in Sanibel Island, Key West and St. Augustine. Sure, it was expensive. Yes, I don’t need any more debt.

joy beachBut if I’ve learned anything over the last several years, it’s that life is unpredictable. Over the last year, several bloggers I follow have lost a parent or other loved one, just like I have. After we have served as dutiful caregivers, the future opens back up for us, and that can be both beautiful and intimidating, like the ocean I viewed over vacation.

I’m trying to be mindful of not putting life’s pleasures on indefinite hold. We don’t know how long we have here, and how long our health will hold up to allow us to enjoy traveling.

Whether you are a caregiver or not, we all need respite from the daily grind. It’s not always feasible to take a trip, but taking a break can come in many forms. I encourage everyone to take time out just for themselves, whether it’s an hour, a day or a week. It’s not selfish to do things for yourself; it’s crucial to your mental, emotional and physical health.

I would love to hear how you recharge, even if you can’t take a traditional vacation.

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February 21, 2016 · 3:26 pm

Dreaming of the dead

Today marks nine months since my mom died. It’s hard to believe that I’m already coming up on the one-year anniversary.

Certainly, life marches forward and I have been propelled forward with it, but I still think of my mother daily, and often, it is about those last tough years when she battled illness, and not of the better times.

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I’m writing essays about the caregiving experience so it doesn’t surprise me that these thoughts are in my head. This week, I had a vivid dream about Mom, in which she was very much alive. I first saw her in a bathtub, and it was a bit scary for a moment, a la that scene from The Shining. But the dream didn’t take a nightmarish turn after that. Mom just kept popping up, alive and well, and I was puzzled and felt the need to keep her hidden.

I read a bit about what a tub can symbolize in a dream, and a lot of it made sense. One site said that it can symbolize emotional instability, vulnerability and the ups and downs of life. A bath can also symbolize a cleansing, both literally and figuratively.

Another major takeaway from the bathtub symbol in dreams is that it means one needs to let go of a burden they have been carrying. It can mean the need to shake off troubles and relax.

Hmm, okay subconscious mind, I get the hint! I’m going on a week’s vacation soon.

I’d be curious to know about any significant dreams you’ve had while grieving, or any dreams you’ve had about dead relatives. I find dream analysis fascinating.

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February 15, 2016 · 3:37 pm

Pundits tackle pain and painfully fail

There has been some buzz over what to me was a benign ad during the Super Bowl for a medication that treats opioid-induced constipation.

As any of you who have been a caregiver probably know, constipation is one of the most common side effects of long-term opioid use. My mother suffered from severe constipation during her last year. It drastically reduced her quality of life.

color pills

To me, this issue is not a joke.

To millions of Americans who live with chronic pain, it is not funny.

After the ad aired during the Super Bowl, Bill Maher cracked the following joke on Twitter.

Maher took flak for his tweet from those who suffer from chronic pain. Maher, who was fined recently for allegedly smoking a joint on television, strongly supports the legalization of marijuana, so he’s not anti-drug by any means, he just prefers weed to pills. Good for him, but for those with chronic pain who work real jobs and face drug tests, marijuana can be risky, even in states where it is legal.

The White House Chief of Staff also sounded off on the commercial.

The White House Press Secretary agreed.

These allegations, while perhaps well-meaning, are woefully misguided.

It’s true that the amount of people abusing opioids has increased dramatically since the 1990s. Pain management clinics popped up everywhere, serving as pill mills, with the doc essentially being a legal drug dealer. The pharmaceutical companies underplayed the dependency risks of their highly profitable products.

The government, under pressure to do something, placed stiff restrictions on opioids. But if you’ve ever known an addict, you know the war on any kind of drug is likely to fail. Addicts only kick the habit when they are ready to do so, and will readily switch to another drug to maintain a high. Many pain pill addicts are switching over to heroin, which is now cheaper and more readily available in many parts of the country.

The only people who are being truly affected by the government crackdown on opioids are those who suffer with chronic pain and who require these medications to function like a normal human being.

My mother relied on pain medications over the last few years of her life. After her cancer surgery, Mom was placed on a low dose of hydrocodone and her doctor kept her on it without question until the new Medicare regulations started to be phased in near the end of 2014. Suddenly, my mother was required to come in to the doctor’s office much more frequently to get her prescription refilled. It was difficult for her to get to the doctor’s office due to transportation issues and because she was in so much pain. It was devastating to know my mom was suffering and there was nothing I could do about it.

Terminal patients suffering excruciating pain should not be denied or delayed pain relief. Those with chronic pain should not face draconian laws to get the medications which help them hold down jobs and raise families. Yes, pharmaceutical companies need to be closely regulated and rehab needs to be readily available for those seeking help, but pain is no laughing matter and neither are the side effects of pain-relieving medications.

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February 8, 2016 · 5:32 pm

Salt of the earth

Unfortunately, I never was able to meet either set of my grandparents in person. Technically, my mother was pregnant with me when my parents paid a visit to my mother’s family farm in Tennessee. She didn’t know at the time that it would be the last time she would see her beloved mother alive.

Of course, my mother was full of childhood stories, and she adored both of her parents. Her dad was more stern, a hardworking farmer who supported a large family on the fruits of his labor while being a diabetic, which was much harder to medically manage at the time. He worked until his dying day.

grandparents

Her mother was equally hardworking, helping in the fields and managing the household. She was an amazing cook and helped keep the peace with eight children with her kind heart and patience.

One of my favorite stories that my mother told about her parents was when grandpa tried to get rid of a farm dog that wasn’t pulling its weight when it came to herding. He tried to take Scott up into the hills and abandon him in the woods, but the dog returned, with bloody paws, determined to remain part of the family. Grandma intervened on behalf of old Scott and grandpa backed down, sparing the lazy but loving dog’s life. Mom certainly adopted grandma’s love of animals.

Both parents had a good sense of humor as well, which my mother certainly inherited. That’s why I love this photo, one of the few I have of my maternal grandparents together. Grandpa is letting just a hint of a smile cross his face, while looking pretty satisfied, and grandma is laughing with pure joy.

Simple people, with love of family and life.

 

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February 1, 2016 · 3:03 pm

The teacher’s pet

I don’t know much about my father’s school days, other than his story about the nuns in the Catholic school rapping the knuckles of kids with a ruler if they misbehaved. I’m not sure how much my father learned during those years, but as an adult, he was always educating himself through his lifelong love of reading.

My mother enjoyed her school days. Perhaps that was because school wasn’t a given for farm families living in rural communities near the Great Smoky mountains. Many kids were pulled out early or for periods of time to help with the crops. My grandparents did not consider education to be a luxury and instilled the importance of learning in their children. My mother was an eager student and was forever grateful that her parents supported her desire for a good education.

Mom school

Just like you would read in a book, my mom’s early school days consisted on a “one-room” schoolhouse that had different corners for each grade. It was a very different educational experience than the massive schools that kids attend nowadays.

A teacher asked my mother if she wanted to pose for a photo project, and she agreed. My mother always received top marks on penmanship, and she liked this photo because it illustrates prominently that she was left-handed. My grandmother was apparently punished for showing left-handed tendencies when she began school, as it was considered to be “evil” so she was forced to adapt to writing right-handed.

Mom’s love of writing continued throughout her life, as she loved to pen letters to friends and family. She also used “old school” ways to keep learning as an adult, such as opening the dictionary to a random word she was not familiar with to expand her vocabulary. I remember her doing this daily as a child.

Perhaps that is where I got my love for words!

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January 26, 2016 · 8:07 pm

Don’t forget to document your passcodes

I cannot stress enough how important this is, whether it is parents/children or another close relationship. This is even more crucial when dementia is involved. Make sure to securely document account login information offline and online. Trying to gain access after a loved one is gone is a real pain, believe me. Kay offers excellent resources as well!

Source: Don’t forget to document your passcodes

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January 19, 2016 · 8:05 pm

Nine to Ninety: A short film with a lot to say

You’ll only get to know Phyllis and Joe Sabatini for 29 minutes, but you will feel like you’ve known them for a lifetime. I saw much of my mom in the adorable yet feisty Phyllis. No doubt many of you will be able to recognize characteristics of your elderly relatives in this strong, loving couple.

The couple, married 62 years, live with an adult daughter, and you can clearly see how much genuine love flows through that house.

nine to ninety

But at 89 and 90, Joe’s health issues are becoming a major concern for the couple, and the couple’s adult children, who coordinate their living arrangements and health care. Phyllis doesn’t want to be a physical, emotional or financial burden on her daughter any more, who is raising her own child, age 9, hence the title of the short film.

The unusual solution Phyllis comes up with will likely surprise you. It’s not a choice most people would make, but it was seen as the best for their family. I’m not going to reveal any spoilers, but the film raises a lot of interesting issues about aging in place and the sandwich generation.

I have a lot of respect for the family, who talk openly about the realities of aging and death. These discussions are not always easy, especially for the granddaughter, but I think she will end up appreciating the fact that her family included her in such discussions. All too often, we overprotect children from the realities of life, but children are curious and resilient, and don’t always want to be shut out of such family matters.

I hope you get a chance to check it out. If you do see it, let me know what you thought about it. I watched it on the PBS channel on my Roku. The website for the film is called Nine To Ninety.

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January 13, 2016 · 10:02 pm

Mom featured in fun Navy profile

Mom enjoyed her brief stint in the Navy. She only served three years, but she spent the rest of her life talking about her experiences in the armed forces.

I always thought Mom’s fun-loving nature seemed contradictory to the serious activity of serving in the military, but Mom’s perfectionist ways made her a good recruit. However, she did squeeze in a bit of fun, as this lighthearted portrait in a Navy publication illustrates.

Mom Wave profile

Mom was photographed for a two-page centerfold feature in the July 26, 1963, edition of the Seahorse newspaper. Titled, “A Typical Day in the Life of a NavSta Wave,” the text that accompanies the photos says, “Janie Kyker, HM3, has been aboard U.S. Naval Station Long Beach for two years. A native of Tennessee, Janie finds life in the Navy exciting and challenging. Happily for Janie – and the lucky sailors pictured here – life in the Navy isn’t all work. In addition to her duties at the Station dispensary, Janie manages to find plenty of recreation aboard the Station. As the pictures show, life is anything but dull!”

mom navy ice cream parlor

Mom is photographed in nine images, following her from getting ready to begin her busy day to breakfast in the galley, work and then some fun activities, in the form of ping pong, pool, enjoying an ice cream soda with a couple of sailors and shopping. There was an outtake which included her dancing with a sailor. Mom kept the original photos and a copy of the newspaper, which is in good condition.

Mom was quite proud of the photo shoot. A couple of things that I found interesting was that she was referred to as “Janie” which I don’t remember my mom being called. She preferred Jane, “plain Jane” as she always said. Maybe because it was a fluff piece they went with a nickname, instead of the formal Kyker (her maiden name) or her legal first name which she never liked: Eleanor.

I also was fascinated by the Chow Call section in the paper, which featured that week’s menu. I feel bad for anyone who liked vegetables at the time. The menu was a carnivore’s delight. Breakfast: Broiled pork sausage links, fried and scrambled eggs; Lunch (which they referred to as Dinner): Southern fried chicken; Supper: Bar-B-Q spareribs, Bar-B-Q ground beef. Wow, that’s a lot of meat! Maybe that’s why Mom was practically a vegetarian later in life.

 

 

 

 

 

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