Tag Archives: death

February 24, 2024 · 3:47 pm

Remembering Wendy Mitchell, who shared her dementia experience with candor, compassion

I was saddened to learn that Wendy Mitchell, who so generously and insightfully shared her experience living with dementia through her blog and books, died this week. However, I take solace in knowing that Mitchell left this world in a way that honored the agency she still had over her own life.

I mostly knew Mitchell through her blog, Which me am I today? The blog’s title captures the dementia experience so well. I enjoyed the photos she shared from her sunrise walks, which included gorgeous skies as well as a variety of birds and other animals. Mitchell was dedicated to her nature walks, writing that the “miracle of nature would thin the glue in my head and bring me alive again.” Mitchell shared the full spectrum of the dementia experience, demonstrating that memory impairment does not prevent those with dementia from continuing to feel a wide range of emotions, maintaining a sense of humor, and achieving new milestones.

At the same time, Mitchell was clear-eyed about what the end of the dementia journey looks like for many people, and she was determined to not have her life end that way. She had been making her end of life plans for awhile, consulting with family and getting their blessing. Because assisted dying isn’t a legal option in the UK, Mitchell planned to travel to Switzerland and utilize the services available at Dignitas. But a recent fall in which she spent a week in the hospital derailed those plans. With her mobility limited, Mitchell chose to stop eating and drinking. You can read Mitchell’s final blog post which goes into detail about her decision process. I encourage you to read it, even if you disagree with her choice.

For the record, I support assisted dying and would consider that option for myself. I think it’s a decision for an individual, in consultation with family members, medical providers and spiritual advisers to make, NOT government officials.

Mitchell shared on her blog what she hoped to accomplish by sharing her dementia journey: “What I want is not sympathy. What I want is simply to raise awareness.” Mission accomplished.

Mitchell was a cherished member of AlzAuthors, read their lovely tribute.

Illustration by Microsoft Copilot.

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December 24, 2023 · 9:00 am

Happy Holidays

Wishing you and your family a peaceful and restful holiday season. The cats managed to negotiate with Santa Claus and get a gift early. I would love to be a cat with my very own soft, cozy house for endless naps!

For those grieving this holiday season, I fully understand and send you supportive and healing energy.

If you need last-minute gifts, you can get the e-book version of my award-winning personal essay collection, The Reluctant Caregiver, for just 99 cents if you purchase through the Smashwords 2023 End of Year Sale. The deal is available through Jan. 1, 2024. For the kids, you can grab the digital version of my children’s book, Slow Dog, for $2.99 on Amazon Kindle.

If you are feeling a bit sad today, I hope this puts a smile on your face!

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December 20, 2023 · 11:27 am

Marking 12 years since Dad’s death

Today marks 12 years since my father died.

The years following his death have been tough, both on a personal and global level. I am grateful for having found such an amazing community of dementia caregivers and advocates who are tirelessly working to gain better resources and support. No one welcomes a diagnosis of Alzheimer’s or other forms of dementia, but my family’s experience has opened my eyes to challenges in our health care system that I otherwise would not have known about.

I began The Memories Project blog in honor of my father and will continue to advocate for better dementia care treatment and family caregiver support.

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December 18, 2023 · 8:00 am

Honoring departed loved ones during the holidays

On December 20, I will mark the 12th anniversary of my father’s death. Losing a loved one during the holiday season can usher in a mix of grief and nostalgia during subsequent holidays. There’s also a group of people who are marking their first holiday after the passing of their loved one.

Each person processes grief differently, and each person will have to decide what feels right when marking the holidays without their loved one. Over time, I’ve found the sharp pangs of recent loss wane some, replaced by a more generalized sadness.

Care Dimensions posted a helpful list of suggestions on how to remember a departed loved one during the holidays. I have found playing their favorite music or watching their favorite films can be a positive way to connect with those who have passed. I also like to light a candle and set aside dedicated time to recognize departed loved ones in the memorial areas I have both inside my home and in my garden.

You can read more about how I dealt with grief in my award-winning personal essay collection, The Reluctant Caregiver. You can get a digital copy for just 99 cents if you purchase through the Smashwords 2023 End of Year Sale.

Image by Chantelle Thompson from Pixabay.

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December 11, 2023 · 8:00 am

The gift of having difficult conversations

This holiday season, one of the best gifts you can give the caregivers in your life as well as those nearing the end of their lives is the space and attention to have difficult conversations.

This includes not only end-of-life conversations but challenging family situations that need to be addressed. Perhaps there’s a caregiver in your family or friend circles that could use more support. If we’ve learned anything over the last few years of tremendous loss of life from the pandemic, it’s that we may not have the time we think to work through difficult issues with our loved ones. Now is the time to be proactive.

I was reminded of this while watching the Peacock TV series, “The Gentle Art of Swedish Death Cleaning.” This isn’t normally the type of show I would watch but in episode 2, a woman with terminal cancer is featured. In fact, the woman was quite organized and she didn’t need that much help in downsizing. Beyond practical matters, she was dealing with challenges connecting with loved ones as she neared the end of her life. As one of the death cleaners proclaims, she needs “death cleaning of her soul,” which is an empowering concept that they help her fulfill.

Can you facilitate that process for yourself or someone dear in your life? What a meaningful holiday gift that would be.

Photo by freestocks on Unsplash.

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October 2, 2023 · 8:00 am

Don’t wait: Discuss end-of-life care wishes for those with dementia

The American Society on Aging, along with Compassion & Choices, hosted a webinar recently on honoring the end-of-life care wishes of those with dementia.

Also check out this interactive exhibit that discusses end of life care from a variety of individual perspectives.

This is an issue that I encourage everyone to consider, as my father’s end of life care was not what I wanted it to be. But without a roadmap (as is discussed in one of the videos above), my mother and I were forced to muddle through on our own. As I discussed in my book, The Reluctant Caregiver, my mother and I were at odds when it came to care options for my father as he neared the end of life. This is a common occurrence in families and can create regrets and guilt.

That’s why I suggest not waiting when it comes to discussing end-of-life care wishes after a dementia diagnosis. I also would like to point out that in the top video, honoring choices is the focus, but there are times when those wishes can’t be honored, for a variety of legitimate reasons. The ultimate goal is safety for your loved one and those caring for them.

Photo by Centre for Ageing Better on Unsplash.

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August 7, 2023 · 8:00 am

Sharing the harsh realities of caregiving

While my caregiving journey with my parents was difficult, I try to share a variety of experiences here on The Memories Project, to reflect the diversity of caregiver stories. No two caregiving experiences are ever alike, but an essay I read this past week hit close to home for me on so many levels.

In this HuffPost essay by Kim Richards, she recounts the difficult experience of caring for her mother with cancer. I found so many similarities between Richards’ experience and my own caregiving experience that I recounted in my personal essay collection, The Reluctant Caregiver. Our mothers died within a year of each other, both lived in New Mexico, and both were in denial about their terminal condition. Richards had to give up her small business to move out-of-state to care for her mother; I had to quit a new job and was left with no health insurance.

I know these accounts are difficult for many to read and can be triggering for those of us who had a difficult caregiving journey. But I do think it’s important to share both the good and the bad, the inspirational and the challenging, so that hopefully people can be more emotionally prepared when it’s time for them to be a caregiver.

I’m grateful to all who share their caregiver stories as it helps me gain a better understanding of the diversity of the caregiving experience.

Photo by Isaac Quesada on Unsplash.

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May 21, 2023 · 9:00 am

Marking 8 years since my mother’s death

With each passing year, it becomes more difficult to believe so much times has passed since my mother’s death in 2015. Death has a way of warping time, so one can feel the distance of those elapsed years but also be surprised at the sharp pangs of grief that can arise at random moments.

I made an active choice to stay in the caregiver community after the death of my parents and have no regrets about that, but it does keep the illness and end-of-life memories fresher than perhaps they would be otherwise. What is most disappointing is seeing so many family caregivers dealing with the same bureaucratic roadblocks and healthcare challenges that I experienced.

I’m grateful to be able to share my caregiving story and read the moving accounts of other caregivers.

An unusual thing happened this morning after I published this blog post. As I came down the stairs, arms full of laundry, I turned to a portrait of my mother that hangs on the wall at the top of the staircase. I said, “Hi Mom,” and continued on my way. About an hour later I was in the kitchen when I heard a crash and then something tumbling down the stairs. When I went to see what had fallen, it was the portrait of Mom I had just acknowledged an hour before. Mom was never a subtle communicator. It would be just like her to make a dramatic statement. For now, Mom’s portrait has a new spot in the living room.

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May 14, 2023 · 8:00 am

Mother’s Day and loss

I was going through family photos ahead of Mother’s Day and opened an envelope that I haven’t look in very often because it’s photos of my grandmother in her casket at her funeral. My grandmother on my mother’s side died exactly 2 months before I was born. I had never noticed that my grandmother’s funeral date and my mother’s day of death were just a single day apart in the month dedicated to mothers.

Behind the funeral photos were a set of tiny photos, just a bit larger than postage stamps. I don’t remember seeing these photos before. They were of my grandparents at the grave of my beloved uncle, Jim Carroll, who died just before his third birthday. He died from complications after an accidental drowning. I can only imagine the pain and sorrow his untimely death caused. My mother was born the following year, and she always said that she believed God gave her a sense of humor to lift the spirits of the grieving family, especially her mother.

In the photos, my grandparents are older, so I can assume this was taken in the late 1960s or early 1970s. Little Jim Carroll died in 1936 but the decades that had since passed had not lessened the love for their beloved child.

I think of Jim Carroll often, as I have what is a most precious heirloom: his shoes. Still caked with clay, the tiny shoes were handed down to my mother, who was disturbed by the sight of them. I told her to keep them for me. Now they sit on top of my family memorial display, next to his moving obituary.

If you are grappling with family loss this Mother’s Day, I hope you can find some peace and comfort.

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May 8, 2023 · 8:00 am

Consider sharing your caregiving story

I had a great time at the Atlanta Writers Conference Book Fair. It’s been awhile since I’ve attended a conference in-person. It’s always inspiring to see so much creativity on display.

To that point, I met several caregivers at the Book Fair who shared their personal caregiving stories with me. If you are on the fence about writing about your caregiving experience, I would encourage you to try, even if it’s in a personal journal and not for public consumption. Doing so can be a cathartic experience. You may find that you do have lessons to share that would benefit other caregivers. If so, there are many self-publishing platforms available, in addition to the traditional publishing route.

Understandably, while you are an active caregiver, you likely will not have time to work on a book project. I scribbled down notes, quotes, scenes, anything that I thought I might want to revisit in written form later. Sometimes having a bit of distance can help in framing an experience in a balanced way, but capturing those visceral images in real-time was important for me. I published The Reluctant Caregiver 2 years after my mother’s death and 6 years after my father’s death. Of course if you’ve been following my blog from the beginning you know I began The Memories Project within weeks after my father’s death. At the time I thought I would mainly be writing about my father’s journey with Alzheimer’s but then my mother fell ill. By the end of my caregiving journey with my parents, I had a variety of experiences and lessons to share.

No doubt you will too.

[To give you inspiration, check out the recording of Poetry for the Dementia Journey, a poetry reading event hosted by AlzAuthors. At about the 37-minute mark, you can hear a poem I shared about my father.]

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