Tag Archives: family

March 15, 2026 · 1:24 pm

Home renovation and caregiving both require leaving one’s comfort zone

To kick off the year I had to repipe my home, something I had been dreading and putting off for several years. I had a lot of old galvanized pipes that had been there well before I purchased the property in 2005. For years I had been patching leaks; sometimes the would rust/corrode over which bought me a bit more time but made me recoil at the idea of the water quality coming through these ancient pipes.

It was one of those home improvement projects that hung over me like a dark cloud. I’m not a procrastinator, quite the opposite, but the cost of an entire home repipe is astronomical. It’s one of those projects you hope to put off until you get some kind of windfall, but let’s face it, that rarely happens in life. Same thing with caregiving situations; a medical crisis doesn’t wait until you have a nice rainy day fund.

Even though home improvement and caregiving may seem to have little in common, I did find that some of my prior caregiving skills and experience came in handy. Initially I had a similar sense of intense dread about this project as I did about caregiving, but once I’m committed, I’m all in.

Researching topics I know little about gives me some sense of control I crave in these types of situations. My researching abilities are my strength and organizing price quotes, materials, and methods for my plumbing project reminded me of how I researched care options for my parents.

Flexibility is not one of my strengths but required in both home improvement and caregiving situations. There is always a level of uncertainty involved and one has to steel themselves for unexpected outcomes. Admittedly, I thrive on order and structure; I’m a deliberate decision maker and don’t like making spur of the moment decisions. But I find that I’m able to adapt when necessary. I learned to dread the knock on my bedroom door when the plumbers came across the unexpected and needed my input, such as tile behind the shower wall, and an ancient cast iron tub inside the tub I’d been using for the past 20+ years! But I pushed through, just as I did with making caregiving decisions.

Another area where I found similarity between home improvement and caregiving is having to rely upon other’s opinions and advice. As an independent person, this is a challenge for me to be “needy” even though I was certainly paying a high price tag for plumbing expertise. With caregiving, I felt a similar helplessness, relying upon the medical expertise of strangers who I hoped had the best interests of my parents in mind. I will say I gained an entirely new appreciation for plumbers and the technical expertise they have.

Co-existing with a house full of strangers and the constant noise that ensued was another challenge. I work remotely so there was a high level of disruption for a few days. I was concerned about how my senior dog Murphy would do, as he’s not fond of strangers in the house. Would he bark nonstop for hours on end? I made sure I had my noise-canceling headphones fully charged. Funny enough, Murphy slept through all of the drilling and hammering and only barked when he heard people on the stairs. I also was concerned about the cats escaping outside, as the plumbers at one point had to access the room I was keeping them enclosed in but fortunately they stayed put. Ironically, I got even more work done than normal because I didn’t want to be in the plumbers’ way so I stayed glued to my desk.

Once the repiping was done, I had to bring in another service to fix the tile damage. By the time I got quotes and service scheduled, I had been staring at my nice new shower for over two weeks but unable to use it. Then there was a missing part of the shower trim that I had to order and have the plumbers come back and install. In total, I went almost an entire month without a proper shower. (At least I had a nice new sink to do sink baths. And also good thing it’s winter and I live alone.) After the shower tile renovation was completed, I had to repaint a bit, add waterproofing, and re-do the floor tile. In fact, I just finished today one of the final steps, about six weeks after the project got started.

Yes, I finally had a bath! Celebrate the small wins, just like in caregiving.

I’m relieved to have nice, new plumbing and everything is working well, but after all of the effort and astronomical cost, it does feel a bit anticlimactic. Caregiving can feel like that sometimes; my mother slowly recovered from cancer surgery and then one day she was independently living again but there wasn’t a definitive winning moment. Life just moves on, one way or another.

A new toilet and sink aren’t sexy, but it does make one appreciate the basic necessities of domestic life more.

Finally, home renovation and caregiving have another thing in common: they are both expensive! I half-joke that I should start a GoFundMe but instead, I will link to my books, if you’d like to contribute to my unofficial plumbing expense fundraiser: The Reluctant Caregiver | Slow Dog.

2 Comments

Filed under Memories

Tagged as , , , , , , ,

December 6, 2025 · 4:31 pm

Holiday gift ideas for caregivers

Each year I consider a wide range of useful gifts for caregivers, everything from books to high-tech gadgets. No matter how amazing a gift is, I’ll always believe that personal time away from caregiving duties is the most precious gift of all. Respite comes in many forms, and can be as simple as an afternoon off to engage in self-care. For the family caregivers on your gift list this holiday season, think about how you can give them a bit of personal time back.

The good news is that in a year in which many are struggling financially, giving someone else time need not cost money, but only sacrificing some of your time. Offer to sit with a loved one to free up time for the caregiver. Volunteer to assist with a time-consuming task, like grocery shopping or making meals. Cleaning the house or tackling household repairs are other ways to give the gift of time.

Here are some other thoughtful gift ideas for caregivers:

Joe & Bella: Dressing can become a time-consuming challenge for those with dementia. I love the line of adaptive clothing from Joe & Bella, which looks nice and includes clever additions, like magnetic closures and CareZips to save time and reduce frustration.

Happy Healthy Caregiver: Check out the digital gifts, such as a self-care journal and for something with a personal touch, create a Caregiver Jar filled with affirming and inspiring quotes.

Alzheimer’s Association Gift Guide: Thoughtful gift ideas for caregivers and people living with dementia. I like that the guide offers suggestions at different stages of the disease.

Of course, I will take a moment to recommend my book. Beginning Monday Dec. 8 through Jan. 1, Smashwords is running the 2025 End of Year Sale. You can get the e-book version of my award-winning personal essay collection, The Reluctant Caregiver, for half-off.

Happy holiday gift giving!

Image generated by Google Gemini.

Leave a comment

Filed under Awareness & Activism

Tagged as , , , , , , , , , ,

November 23, 2025 · 4:01 pm

Gen X caught in an extended ‘sandwich generation squeeze’

Every generation has its challenges, but Generation X finds itself in an extended “sandwich generation” role, raising children and taking care of aging parents who are living longer than ever, but not without their share of health issues.

In the recent Generations issue by the American Society on Aging, an article by Grace Macalino Schauf describes her overwhelming caregiver situation and how she had a breakthrough that helped her better manage her many caregiving duties. Schauf found herself caring for her 80-something parents, including her mother with vascular dementia and helping her young adult sons navigate college while also filling the childcare gaps left by her sister-in-law’s sudden death.

Schauf explained that in her Filipino culture, the eldest daughter is expected to fulfill the caregiver role in the family, yet she realized that she was being stretched beyond capacity. The breakthrough came when she developed a “caregiver identity integration.” The framework created boundaries and required an identity reset, to fully integrate the caregiver role into her life instead of trying to manage fragments of her identity that left her frustrated and bitter.

I definitely understand the feelings of resentment that can surface in the family caregiver role. It’s one of the reasons why I wrote The Reluctant Caregiver. I also shared my Gen X caregiver experience on the Rodger That podcast. People shouldn’t feel guilty about such negative feelings, but for their own emotional health and to be a better caregiver, it’s important to address these feelings, reach out for support and develop a caregiving plan that works better for you, much like Schauf did. The process can be painful and messy, much like caregiving itself. But as Schauf said, being present, not perfect, is the goal. Being present as a daughter is something I wish I had done more of, versus being worried about every aspect of my caregiver role.

This holiday season is a great time to assess your family caregiver situation and determine if changes need to be made.

Illustration created by ChatGPT.

Leave a comment

Filed under Awareness & Activism

Tagged as , , , , , , , , ,

September 28, 2025 · 12:58 pm

Football memories with Dad

Today the NFL played a game in Dublin, Ireland. It made me think about my childhood and watching football with my father. Of course, being from Northern Ireland, my father’s first passion was soccer, which he continued to enjoy watching throughout my childhood. He was fond of listening to the Spanish simulcast, even though Dad didn’t understand Spanish, because of the enthusiasm of the announcer. It may have been Andrés Cantor, because I remember the famous “gooooooal!” call and how my Dad loved to try and mimic it.

The first sport I learned from my father was baseball. We would watch Dodgers games and Dad would remind me that the team was once located in Brooklyn, where he once lived. The timing of the team’s move from East to West Coast was right around the time my father arrived in the US, so I doubt he got to see the team play in Brooklyn but he no doubt learned the team’s lore during his time in the Big Apple.

We did watch American football as well. I mostly remember watching college football with my dad when I was a teenager. Of course my Dad rooted for the Notre Dame Fighting Irish. Being a teenager, I would choose the opposing team. I remember watching the Colorado-Notre Dame Orange Bowl rivalry, and how it was one of those rare bonding moments with my dad during my adolescence, as were often like passing ships in the night with his work schedule and my school and work schedule.

I also remember watching NFL games with my father. One specific memory is Super Bowl XXV. I’m pretty sure my father was cheering on the Buffalo Bills because of their quarterback Jim Kelly. Dad tended to support anyone with an Irish name. I remember the “wide right” missed kick by Scott Norwood, which cost the Bills the championship and began a heartbreaking string of Super Bowl losses for the team.

I think Dad would have liked seeing a NFL game being played in Ireland. And I think he would have approved of a Steelers win, a team owned by the Rooney family with ties to Ireland.

Image created by Google Gemini.

3 Comments

Filed under Memories

Tagged as , , , , ,

November 27, 2024 · 4:20 pm

A mountain of memories and mementos

This past week, I cleaned out my parents’ condo to prepare it for sale. It was a bittersweet experience. My parents enjoyed several happy, peaceful years there in retirement, but as their health declined, my memories of the place become more painful and complicated. That’s a reason why Thanksgiving and Christmas are tough holidays for me.

Even though I had spent time cleaning out upon each visit since my parents died, I was overwhelmed by the amount of stuff that remained. My parents weren’t hoarders; it was just an accumulation of two lifetimes, along with some of my stuff. I’m trying to downsize my own material possessions, so I had to be very disciplined on what I would bring with me. I consolidated down to two small boxes and a duffel bag. The rest would be donated.

It seemed like a lot of stuff to me as I sorted through it, but the donated items fit in one room.

It’s interesting what one chooses to keep and what one lets go in these situations. For example, I kept Polly the parrot, which brought much needed joy to my parents after my father developed dementia. I donated the beautiful kimono that my mother had received from a Navy mate. I kept my grandmother’s ice cream dishes (only 1 survived in shipping, alas) but let go my mother’s Navy footlocker. I would have loved to have kept it, but shipping it would have been too costly. I kept my mother’s makeup bag, but let go of my mother’s purse.

Heavy things like yearbooks I chose to scan selected pages instead of keep. Many yearbooks are available online now, if I should ever wish to wander down nostalgia lane. I spent a lot of time doing just that on this trip, so I think I will be good for awhile.

It was an overwhelming and exhausting experience. A myriad of emotions arose from some of these objects I hadn’t seen since my childhood. Choosing what to keep and what to let go was a challenge. Here are some tips to keep in mind if you find yourself faced with this daunting task.

  • It may be easier to start with the true junk, the items that no longer have any useful life. Consider this a warm-up task.
  • To stay organized and focused, create a plan. Maybe go room by room, or divide by type of items such as clothing, kitchenware, photos, etc.
  • Take breaks if possible. I was on a time limit but even stepping outside to get a breath of fresh air can help one reset.
  • Keep one, let the other go: When I had to sort multiples of items, I tried only to keep one. This can make it easier to make progress while maintaining items that have true meaning to you.
  • Remember, whatever you take with you, there will come a day when those items will have to be dealt with again. If you have children, be aware of the burden it can place on them to have to inherit so many items that may have limited meaning to them. Focus on the memories and heirlooms that help tell your family’s story.
  • Don’t feel like you are throwing your family’s mementos away. Many donated items can have a second life in someone else’s home or be repurposed and upcycled.
  • Finally, and this may be the most important takeaway from my experience: Don’t hide treasures away for special occasions! There were many items in my parents’ condo that had been sitting in boxes that were never used, like dishes. Don’t leave these items to collect dust in a closet. Go ahead and use the good china, wear the fancy clothing item, or display the creative project you are proud to have made. Your family treasures are meant to be enjoyed in the present.

2 Comments

Filed under Memories

Tagged as , , , , , , ,

March 17, 2023 · 2:15 pm

Celebrating the Irish spirit

My father was fiercely proud of his Irish heritage, but was not a fan of the commercialized St. Patrick’s Day festivities. As I grow older, the more I appreciate the culture of my Irish ancestors: resilient, creative, and brilliant storytellers who can tell the funniest of jokes and sing the saddest of songs and care deeply for family and country.

Of course, there is a darker side to every culture and I witnessed my father struggle through what he called “black” moods of depression and over-indulging in alcohol. I touch upon this in my book, The Reluctant Caregiver. But his love of his hometown of Belfast, Northern Ireland and his hopes of a united Ireland never wavered. In fact, in the last conversation I had with him just a month before he died, deep in the fog of dementia, he told me he wanted to go to Ireland.

So I will raise a toast to Dad with some Irish whiskey tonight and continue my exploration of my Irish heritage.

Murphy showing off his St. Patrick’s Day spirit.

I have a lucky giveaway to share with you. Get my e-book, CBD for Caregivers, which I recently revised, for free through April 1.

3 Comments

Filed under Memories

Tagged as , , , , , , ,

December 24, 2022 · 4:03 pm

Season’s Greetings

Christmas was a simple affair for my small family, but a holiday I remember fondly. I can still smell the cinnamon sticks featured in the holiday decoration in the far left of this family photo. I kept some of the brightly colored balls we used to decorate our small tree and they now decorate my tabletop tree, some 40 years later.

Wishing you and your loved ones a happy holiday. I hope you get to spend it with loved ones and that the deep freeze doesn’t disrupt your plans. Stay warm and safe!

Leave a comment

Filed under Memories

Tagged as , ,

October 23, 2021 · 3:44 pm

Preserving Memories With a Loved One—Questions to Ask Before it’s Too Late — The Diary of An Alzheimer’s Caregiver

Most of us think we have more time than we actually do … So many times, after my mom passed, I wished I’d asked her about this person or that event. – Stacy Monson

So true! The Memories Project began as a way to honor my father and the further I went in documenting my father’s stories, the more I realized I was missing important details. That is why I urge everyone to ask your loved ones to recount their life stories and anything else they want to share. It’s so easy now, literally a tap on a smartphone button, and you can record these precious memories.

Read the blog post along with a great list of questions to get you started by clicking the link below:

Preserving Memories With a Loved One—Questions to Ask Before it’s Too Late — The Diary of An Alzheimer’s Caregiver

2 Comments

Filed under Awareness & Activism

Tagged as , , ,

November 23, 2016 · 9:34 am

Memories of humble, yet happy Thanksgiving meals

Embed from Getty Images

I’ve never had patience for big family gatherings, probably because I grew up celebrating holidays with just my parents. That helped keep planning and bickering to a minimum. I have particularly happy memories of Thanksgiving, enjoying a humble but delicious meal and watching The Twilight Zone marathon throughout the day.

This year, thanks to the contentious election, I’ve come across several articles offering tips on how to survive the holiday with relatives. While I get that family stress is real, and kept my own visits home as an adult to a minimum, it is a bit sad that we need instruction guides on how to navigate a meal without suffering a nervous breakdown. Winning an argument or criticizing someone else’s viewpoint is more important to some than recognizing common bonds and accepting the imperfections in all of us. (That being said, I do not believe toxic family members should get a free pass; repair relationships where you can but move on when necessary.)

Over the last several years I have been preoccupied with family caregiving, and I witnessed the best and worst from my parents, and from myself. For those who are grieving the loss of a loved one, the holidays are a mixed bag of emotions. I am grateful for the memories of simply, happy Thanksgiving meals with my family, and I hope that all of you find those moments this week with your family and friends.

2 Comments

Filed under Memories

Tagged as , ,

February 8, 2016 · 5:32 pm

Salt of the earth

Unfortunately, I never was able to meet either set of my grandparents in person. Technically, my mother was pregnant with me when my parents paid a visit to my mother’s family farm in Tennessee. She didn’t know at the time that it would be the last time she would see her beloved mother alive.

Of course, my mother was full of childhood stories, and she adored both of her parents. Her dad was more stern, a hardworking farmer who supported a large family on the fruits of his labor while being a diabetic, which was much harder to medically manage at the time. He worked until his dying day.

grandparents

Her mother was equally hardworking, helping in the fields and managing the household. She was an amazing cook and helped keep the peace with eight children with her kind heart and patience.

One of my favorite stories that my mother told about her parents was when grandpa tried to get rid of a farm dog that wasn’t pulling its weight when it came to herding. He tried to take Scott up into the hills and abandon him in the woods, but the dog returned, with bloody paws, determined to remain part of the family. Grandma intervened on behalf of old Scott and grandpa backed down, sparing the lazy but loving dog’s life. Mom certainly adopted grandma’s love of animals.

Both parents had a good sense of humor as well, which my mother certainly inherited. That’s why I love this photo, one of the few I have of my maternal grandparents together. Grandpa is letting just a hint of a smile cross his face, while looking pretty satisfied, and grandma is laughing with pure joy.

Simple people, with love of family and life.

 

1 Comment

Filed under Memories

Tagged as , ,