Tag Archives: memories

August 7, 2023 · 8:00 am

Sharing the harsh realities of caregiving

While my caregiving journey with my parents was difficult, I try to share a variety of experiences here on The Memories Project, to reflect the diversity of caregiver stories. No two caregiving experiences are ever alike, but an essay I read this past week hit close to home for me on so many levels.

In this HuffPost essay by Kim Richards, she recounts the difficult experience of caring for her mother with cancer. I found so many similarities between Richards’ experience and my own caregiving experience that I recounted in my personal essay collection, The Reluctant Caregiver. Our mothers died within a year of each other, both lived in New Mexico, and both were in denial about their terminal condition. Richards had to give up her small business to move out-of-state to care for her mother; I had to quit a new job and was left with no health insurance.

I know these accounts are difficult for many to read and can be triggering for those of us who had a difficult caregiving journey. But I do think it’s important to share both the good and the bad, the inspirational and the challenging, so that hopefully people can be more emotionally prepared when it’s time for them to be a caregiver.

I’m grateful to all who share their caregiver stories as it helps me gain a better understanding of the diversity of the caregiving experience.

Photo by Isaac Quesada on Unsplash.

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June 18, 2023 · 12:00 pm

Happy Father’s Day

Happy Father’s Day. For those whose fathers are still living, I hope you get to spend quality time together. Its not about the gifts or the celebrations but simply time spent together.

Dad wasn’t one for big events. Father’s Day in our household were simple affairs, maybe a walk in the park and then a dinner at one of his favorite restaurants. In this photo we were at a park that had a library next to it. My father’s idea of heaven on earth!

For those of you like myself, whose fathers are no longer living, may you find treasured memories to reflect upon. And for those who have/had difficult relationships with their fathers, I hope you can focus on your own healing today.

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May 21, 2023 · 9:00 am

Marking 8 years since my mother’s death

With each passing year, it becomes more difficult to believe so much times has passed since my mother’s death in 2015. Death has a way of warping time, so one can feel the distance of those elapsed years but also be surprised at the sharp pangs of grief that can arise at random moments.

I made an active choice to stay in the caregiver community after the death of my parents and have no regrets about that, but it does keep the illness and end-of-life memories fresher than perhaps they would be otherwise. What is most disappointing is seeing so many family caregivers dealing with the same bureaucratic roadblocks and healthcare challenges that I experienced.

I’m grateful to be able to share my caregiving story and read the moving accounts of other caregivers.

An unusual thing happened this morning after I published this blog post. As I came down the stairs, arms full of laundry, I turned to a portrait of my mother that hangs on the wall at the top of the staircase. I said, “Hi Mom,” and continued on my way. About an hour later I was in the kitchen when I heard a crash and then something tumbling down the stairs. When I went to see what had fallen, it was the portrait of Mom I had just acknowledged an hour before. Mom was never a subtle communicator. It would be just like her to make a dramatic statement. For now, Mom’s portrait has a new spot in the living room.

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April 10, 2023 · 8:00 am

Marking Dad’s birthday

Dad would have turned 91 today. This is the earliest photo I have of him, taken at school and addressed to his beloved mother.

Such a serious young man, with his whole life ahead of him.

Dad didn’t have an easy life, but I’m sure while his feet were planted in the grass of his beloved Belfast, Northern Ireland, he never thought he’d live in sunny Los Angeles. His journey as an immigrant shaped his life, but he never forgot home.

At the end of his life, while in the final stages of Alzheimer’s, he talked about returning home, to see his sisters. We were able to honor his wish, in a way. Some of his ashes were sent to his family in Belfast.

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April 3, 2023 · 8:00 am

Moving short film “Ruth” captures dementia experience in single take

Whenever I come across realistic, compassionate depictions of the dementia experience I like to share them here. Paul Romero Mendez, the filmmaker behind a short film named “Ruth” reached out to me recently. His moving film was released in 2021. The film depicts a woman with dementia who is lost in her own home. Highlighting this experience is very important, because while remaining in the family home can offer those with dementia the comfort of familiarity, the disease may strip away the very memories that makes the home feel meaningful and safe.

Many of us who have had cared for loved ones with dementia have had to confront the dreaded request to “go home.” But home may not be what you think. If your loved one is in a memory care center, maybe it is their last home, but it could be their childhood home. Time doesn’t necessarily move in a linear fashion for those with dementia. One minute they may be back in their childhood, the next a young adult, and the next to the current time. My father often asked to go home when he was in the memory care center, but he also talked about going home to Northern Ireland to be with his sisters. So I don’t believe home was the condo in Ruidoso where my parents retired. Home may not be a fixed place in the way we think of it, but a feeling of love and contentment.

The film was shot in a single take, so the audience can understand better the swirling cloud of confusion that those with dementia may contend with on a daily basis. It’s a powerful depiction, filmed with compassion. You can watch the film below. (This is a different short film from the one I posted about in January, which is also called Ruth.)

Photo by Danie Franco on Unsplash.

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January 14, 2023 · 5:41 pm

‘All the Little Things’ caregiving photo essay delivers big emotional impact

Highlighting the challenges that come with caring for a family member in which you have a difficult relationship dynamic is an issue that is important to me. I discuss my own challenges when caring for my mother in my book, The Reluctant Caregiver.

Lori Grinker has created a moving, powerful photo essay, “All the Little Things,” which is about caring for her mother Audrey. The mother and daughter faced a trifecta of challenges: Audrey was already dealing with dementia when she was diagnosed with cancer at the beginning of the COVID-19 pandemic. Grinker and her mother had always had a strained relationship, but the pandemic delayed a move into an assisted living facility, so mother and daughter lived together for three months. Grinker not only captures images of her mother, but of objects in her mother’s apartment. Those objects sparked memories and discussions that allowed the pair to open up the lines of communication more.

One of the objects that jumped out at me was the worn baking sheet. I remember my mother having a similar favorite baking sheet that she never wanted to discard no matter how discolored it became.

Grinker’s work was awarded the 2022 Bob and Diane Fund Grant. Grinker was also recently interviewed by NPR.

Life isn’t a Hallmark movie, so one shouldn’t expect an “all is forgiven” ending. Grinker told NPR that she and her mother were able to find some love for each other and most importantly, Grinker says she no longer harbors anger for her mother’s actions. She told NPR even if she cannot forgive her mother for some things, she now understands some of her mother’s life choices better.

Audrey died in March 2021.

Photo by Dollar Gill on Unsplash.

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October 31, 2022 · 8:00 am

Happy Halloween

I have fond memories of Halloween as a child. My mom went out of her way to make it a fun holiday for me. One year my mom made me a homemade Planet of the Apes costume. I’m so sad there are no photos of my mother’s epic creation. Another year I got a Jaws game, where you fished items out of a plastic shark replica with a hook and tried to avoid the jaws shutting. It was one of my favorite games.

40-plus years later, I still enjoy Halloween: the spooky decorations, the scary movies and yes, the candy. Pets also make Halloween fun.

For those who celebrate, hope you get all treats and no tricks! If you need a last-minute Halloween gift, you can buy Slow Dog as an e-book.

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June 18, 2022 · 11:29 am

Reflecting on Father’s Day

Thinking of Dad on this Father’s Day weekend. One thing I’ve been reflecting on lately is how even when my father was dealing with the latter stages of dementia, he would tell my mother and I to be careful. He was still trying to protect his family.

To those who have lost their fathers to dementia or who are actively caring for their father with dementia, I hope you can find comfort in loving reflections. For those whose fathers are still alive, I hope you get to spend quality time with him this weekend. Finally, I want to recognize all of the amazing male caregivers out there, fathers and husbands and brothers and sons, who care with compassionate strength.

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May 21, 2022 · 1:20 pm

Marking 7 years since Mom’s death

The top of Mom’s urn.

It has been 7 years since my mother died. The pandemic has made time’s passing more difficult for me to track. Seven years feels both not long ago and yet another lifetime ago. I think my mother would be very upset about the state of the world right now, as she always looked for common ground and the good in people. Those things seem to be in short supply these days.

I did have a moment of synchronicity today. I was listening to Glenn Campbell’s late masterpiece albums, Ghost on the Canvas. It was recorded after Campbell’s Alzheimer’s diagnosis and was one of my mother’s favorite albums. It’s one of my favorites too, and I’ve listened to it dozens of times. Today I played it on the YouTube app on my TV and when I looked up during one of the instrumental interludes, I realized the song was titled, May 21, 1969.

I had never noticed this before! According to information I found online, May 21, 1969 was the date the date Campbell’s network variety show debuted on network TV. It would become a hit and known as “The Glen Campbell Goodtime Hour.”

What are the chances that May 21, the day my mother died, would also be in a song title of one of our favorite albums? The moment felt like Mom’s spirit connecting with me through the wonders of the universe.

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April 2, 2022 · 1:16 pm

Growing around grief

Photo by Nick Fewings on Unsplash

“Growing around grief” is not a new concept but I saw this image being shared across social media recently and thought it might resonate with others.

Dr. Lois Tonkin described the growing around grief process in a 1996 article. The concept is that our grief may not feel like it lessens over time, but our lives will grow around that grief.

You can see another visual depiction of this grief model in the TikTok video below. I like the idea that our grief, while sad and heartbreaking, can become the core of something beautiful.

@amagiovany

My interpretation of this model. Picturing this in my head has been helpful. #watercolor #artistsoftiktok #therapytiktok #griefandloss

♬ Only in My Dreams – The Marías

You can see more visual depictions of the growing around grief model on the what’s your grief website.

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