Category Archives: Memories

May 12, 2016 · 8:08 pm

Grief by the numbers

 

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Maxime Perron Caissy/Freeimages

A fellow blogger who recently lost her father posed an interesting question on her blog, which went along the lines of what happens after that first year of loss?

As a society, we tend to mark major life events by months, then years. So what does happen on that first month after the first year marking the death of a loved one? While it’s common for people to mark the six month anniversary of something, the 13th month is not so common.

Soon, I will know, as the one year anniversary of my mother’s death quickly approaches May 21.

I don’t think my grief will suddenly lessen when June 21 rolls around, but perhaps a loosening in the monthly ritual is a part of the healing process. There was at least one month in this first year where I actually didn’t mark the day itself; I thought about it before and after but not on the actual day. At first I felt bad, but then I realized that it was probably a positive sign.

My father’s death was a completely different process. First, there was a greater sense of relief in that death finally freed my father from Alzheimer’s cruel gasp. At 79, Dad had lived a pretty long life and as an almost lifelong smoker, if dementia hadn’t taken him, emphysema (which he had) or lung cancer probably would have. With my mom, even though she was only 2 years younger, I felt like with proper, prompt treatment, she may have had some good years left.

Another difference in the grief process was that my grieving for my dad was cut short due to my mom’s illness. She became ill just six months after my father died. I had to switch gears, letting Dad rest in peace while I poured all of my energy into keeping Mom alive and nursing her back to health. By the time she recovered, Dad had been gone for a year or so and time had began to heal the loss.

In a way though, taking care of Mom helped me feel less guilty about not being there for dad as a caregiver. So while I’m not saying that Mom’s cancer diagnosis was a good thing, there was at least one positive outcome.

After surviving Mother’s Day (which I marked by participating in a charity walk and visiting cats at a shelter) I have now survived every holiday for the first time “motherless.” For those of you have been through the grieving process, I’m sure you can understand my feeling of relief.

 

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May 8, 2016 · 12:00 am

A Letter To The Motherless On Mother’s Day

Thought this was so beautifully written that I had to share. Hope this helps those of you who are motherless on Mother’s Day. Peace and love be with you.

JustJennaRose's avatar

May 8th, 2016

Today sucks, I know. It’s going to be hard. But so is every other day since you have lost your mother. There is absolutely no love in this world like the love of a mother. There is a void that cannot and will not ever be filled, no matter what anybody tells you. You don’t miss her today any more than you will tomorrow, or the next day, or the day after that.  Today, Mother’s day, is just another painful reminder that she is no longer physically here. As you watch friend’s  celebrate with their mom’s, please remember that yours is tucked away deep down in your heart where she will forever stay.  As the wind blows through your hair, know that it is her gentle and loving touch. As the warmth of the sun shines on your face please remember the warmth in your mother’s heart through all of the days she had on…

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May 1, 2016 · 4:12 pm

May is for Mother

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This is the first Mother’s Day I will experience motherless. At this time last year, Mom was quickly approaching death. In fact, I got her flowers early because I was afraid she might not live until Mother’s Day.

Knowing that would be the last Mother’s Day she would be alive was difficult. How do you express a lifetime of gratitude into a single day?

 

But experiencing Mother’s Day without a living mother is equally as difficult.

It is almost impossible to avoid the holiday. Mother’s Day ads are online, in stores, on TV … reminders to honor your mother are everywhere. I received an email reminder from the florist, to remind me I bought Mom flowers last year, and did I want to order again this year?  I’m sure the business thought this was a good selling tool, but it was just a gut-wrenching reminder of the sadness I felt when placing that order. (On the flip side, Mom loved the flowers.)

I just got back from a visit to what was my parents’ condo. Each trip I am trying to make a few changes, to slowly transition it from a place of sadness and illness, which it became over the last several years of my parents’ life, to a peaceful mountain respite that my parents enjoyed for many years.

My mother’s perfume still lingers in the bedroom. Of course I reflected on the events of last year while I was there, but I busied myself by putting together new furniture and rearranging things to make it my own. It’s what my parents would want, and I left the condo feeling fairly good about the progress.

And now, a week of nonstop Mother’s Day advertisements to navigate. I know at least a few fellow bloggers who have lost their mothers in recent years, so I know you understand how it feels. Certainly just because our mothers are no longer living doesn’t mean we cannot honor their life on Mother’s Day, and that’s what I intend upon doing.

How will you mark Mother’s Day?

 

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April 25, 2016 · 8:00 am

A Princely passing

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Even though as a member of the media I was among the first to learn of Prince’s death, it still is quite a shock that a musical icon of my childhood is gone.

For us Gen X’ers, Prince was that rock ‘n roll guy, that dance music guy, that sexy music guy … he had a prime position on the soundtrack of our childhood and adolescence.

Of course, like most creative types, he came with controversy. Many of my classmates were restricted or forbidden from listening to Prince, who early in his career produced songs with sexually explicit lyrics and themes.

My mother, Southern Baptist-raised, was NOT one of the critics.

I remember my mom actually enjoying his music. She loved Prince’s style, his energy, his passion. Mom loved those who were different.

So it was appropriate that Prince died on the 11-month anniversary of my mother’s death. Maybe Mom is finally getting to be a Prince groupie somewhere on the other side. I think Prince in turn would have accepted fans of all kinds, even ones with thick Southern accents.

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April 10, 2016 · 12:21 pm

Dad’s infamous cat rant

In honor of what would’ve been my father’s 84th birthday, I’m publishing the infamous “cat rant” that prompted a viral response back when we argued with each other in newsprint, not online.

I had been searching online for the letter for years, but as I was putting together a scrapbook for my dad, I came across dozens of letters to the editor clippings. The cat letter, along with the responses it generated, was in the pile. I was ecstatic.

dad cat letter

The funniest thing is that I thought the letter my dad wrote was much longer and talked about how the stray cats would hang on the back fence of our patio and intimidate people taking out the garbage or going to the laundry room. Maybe Dad’s original letter was longer, and was edited for space. But reading it now, and admittedly a huge cat lover myself, it doesn’t sound as bad as I remembered.

You can zoom in with your browser if you want to read the details. Basically Dad says he doesn’t like cats, that they don’t do anything good for anyone, and that cats are lazy, sensitive and jealous. He also laments being late to work because of a cat curled up under his car. He finishes the rant by saying that cats are an abomination. “I just can’t stand the little devils.”

But the responses are great! Who knew there were so many crazy cat ladies (and I use that term endearingly as I am one) in the Los Angeles area in the 1980s? And the fact that it prompted one of the newspaper’s columnists to write his own editorial response is fantastic. His criticism that readers get more outraged over someone who doesn’t like cats but ignore the wars taking place around the world still applies today.

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The image of the mother cat and her kitten is included to show how my dad’s opinion on cats changed over the years. When he was working as a security guard at a trucking company, he met a stray cat that everyone called Bonita. The cat may not have been the most beautiful, but she touched my dad’s heart. When she became pregnant Dad made sure she had enough food to eat. Even after he no longer worked there, he’d stop by and leave her some canned food for her and the babies.

As Dad’s Alzheimer’s progressed, he would ask me how my cat “Missouri” was doing. (My cat’s name was Michigan.) So in the end, Dad turned out to like the “little devils” quite a bit.

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April 4, 2016 · 8:01 am

Dad says: ‘The devil is having a ball’

This weekend, I worked on getting the Dad portion of a family scrapbook completed. I’m not necessarily the scrapbooking type, but I wanted to make sure some of the more fragile documents and photos from my dad’s life had a safe home.

I also wanted to have all of my dad’s published letters to the editor in one collection. I ended up finding more than 40 letters, and I finally found the rant against cats that had cat lovers all over Los Angeles writing nasty replies to my dad! It even prompted one of the newspaper’s columnists to write an entire column about the ruckus Dad’s letter caused, bemoaning the fact that people get upset over the silliest things, and ignore the real problems of the world.

Dad devil ball letter

Does that sound familiar? Not much has changed since 1986.

I’ll post the cat debacle soon, but this letter about the “devil having a ball” struck me also because things have not changed. I’m not sure of the date, but because of the town name on it, it would have had to have been written in the late 1970’s to 1980’s time frame.

My dad was the pessimistic type, but I think he genuinely wanted to see good triumph over evil, but was having a hard time imagining that when he wrote this letter. He had his Catholic faith to help him sort things out, but you can substitute out more current wars and areas of strife with some of the ones my dad mentions in his letter and see that things haven’t changed much.

Dad says “man hasn’t progressed much since his cave-dwelling days.” While man has invented and conquered much, as far as human nature goes, Dad may have a point. Perhaps there is comfort in knowing that hard times filled with hopelessness have happened before and will happen again, but peace and prosperity (not just financial) have also come and gone. For those who like to believe that life moves in cycles, the devil is bound to stop having so much fun at some point.

At least we can hope.

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March 22, 2016 · 7:00 am

Dad’s surprising pick for president

While the circus that is this year’s presidential election performs around the nation, I thought it would be appropriate to post this hilarious letter to the editor that my dad wrote back in the 1960s.

In his letter, Dad argues why we’d be better off with a woman for president. Before you go giving my dad credit for being a progressive, the letter is satirical in nature and his reasons for wanting a woman as president are well, pretty darn sexist. Still, it made me chuckle, especially the line about Phyllis Diller.

Dad woman president letter

After reading some other letters Dad got published in newspapers around the same time, Dad sounded like quite the traditionalist. This was surprising, because my mother was definitely the dominant member of our family, and while a dedicated housewife and mother, she had strong opinions and was not afraid to share them. Perhaps life in America had caused Dad to reconsider his earlier views by the time he met my mother. At any rate, I never was subjected to any of Dad’s more sexist viewpoints when I was growing up. He always talked with great respect about women in history, like Eleanor Roosevelt, so seeing this other side of Dad is interesting.

What perhaps is the biggest takeaway is that even though a woman is now a front-runner in this year’s election, Hillary Clinton still faces some of the same issues raised in Dad’s letter. Putting politics aside, she is scrutinized more in looks, dress, and tone than her male counterparts. So while women have come pretty far in the last 50 years or so, some things haven’t changed.

For the record, Mom was never a big fan of Phyllis Diller. I remember this because Mom wasn’t one to voice her dislike for a celebrity very often. She loved to laugh and enjoyed most comedians. I don’t think she “got” Diller’s wacky persona, which is ironic, since Mom was pretty eccentric herself!

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March 17, 2016 · 7:43 pm

Irish spirit in the air

Even though my father notoriously did not approve of St. Patrick’s Day, the commercialized version of it, I can’t help but think of him today.

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Most days, my subway ride to work is not memorable, which probably is a good thing, the way the world is today. But today, I took time to notice all of the people who were wearing green, and it was definitely over half the car. People of all genders, races and creeds all uniting, members of the green team for a day.

Silly, maybe, but as the world seems to get more divided and contentious with each waking moment, I will appreciate unity wherever I can find it.

I also had to play a little Bing for my dad. This was one my dad used to sing to me as a child, and he could do a pretty darn good Bing Crosby imitation.

Hope Dad is smiling somewhere.

 

 

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March 13, 2016 · 12:20 pm

Finding grace amidst grief

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It was part of my job to follow Nancy Reagan’s funeral on Friday. But it was also a lesson on grace, grief and choosing love at the right moment.

The fact that daughter Patti Davis and Nancy Reagan had a difficult relationship is well known. It has been written about and documented in numerous books and interviews by Davis and Reagan as well as political pundits and gossip columnists.

Imagine the pressure you would feel when asked to speak at the funeral of a relative who you had a love/hate relationship with, a funeral that was being broadcast to millions of people across the nation.

Oh sure, Patti Davis has led a life of privilege, but money and power doesn’t guarantee happiness.

Davis recounted a humorous prank that Nancy played on Ronald, a moment she relived with her mother in the days before her death. After telling the story, Davis said at the time she didn’t realize that would be the last time she would hear her mother laugh.

That really struck a personal chord with me, because I also think back to the last time my mother laughed and made me laugh. I can remember the moment in great detail. It was the day we started her morphine, finally, after battling the doctor and home hospice for more pain relief. A few doses in, Mom woke up for a nap and wanted to get up. I helped her out of bed and asked her how she was feeling, looking for any signs of the common side effects, such as nausea or dizziness.

Mom grabbed the puke bucket that I had placed on the bed in preparation for any such issues, and placed it on her head (yes, it was empty.) She then danced a little jig.

It was the only time that entire last month of my mother’s life that I genuinely laughed.

An hour or two later, Mom was vomiting into the bucket.

But back to Davis. She didn’t ignore the difficult relationship she had with her mother, saying that there were never any shades of grey in their relationship, but instead bright colors and passionate emotions. She took responsibility for her actions while not exonerating her mother, as death does not wipe clean a person’s past transgressions.

On Friday though, Davis chose love, and she did so with grace and humor.

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March 6, 2016 · 9:35 pm

The gift of taking a break

It has been so long since I have taken a real vacation that I can’t even remember where I went the last time.

The last several years, taking a real vacation was simply not an option. When you are a caregiver, you are on call 24/7. This is true even if you are a long-distance caregiver. Any time I went away for a few days, I was concerned if I lacked a cell phone signal. Wonder if Mom needed me? Wonder if Dad took a turn for the worse? While I found some enjoyment in weekend trips to the mountains, I never truly could tune out of life’s responsibilities.

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This time, in a trip that was postponed for several years, I took a full week off to visit Florida, stopping in Sanibel Island, Key West and St. Augustine. Sure, it was expensive. Yes, I don’t need any more debt.

joy beachBut if I’ve learned anything over the last several years, it’s that life is unpredictable. Over the last year, several bloggers I follow have lost a parent or other loved one, just like I have. After we have served as dutiful caregivers, the future opens back up for us, and that can be both beautiful and intimidating, like the ocean I viewed over vacation.

I’m trying to be mindful of not putting life’s pleasures on indefinite hold. We don’t know how long we have here, and how long our health will hold up to allow us to enjoy traveling.

Whether you are a caregiver or not, we all need respite from the daily grind. It’s not always feasible to take a trip, but taking a break can come in many forms. I encourage everyone to take time out just for themselves, whether it’s an hour, a day or a week. It’s not selfish to do things for yourself; it’s crucial to your mental, emotional and physical health.

I would love to hear how you recharge, even if you can’t take a traditional vacation.

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