May 26, 2013 · 12:25 am

Tracing Dad’s footsteps: Brooklyn

I mentioned in a recent post that digging deeper to trace someone’s past can sometimes be insightful. I remembered that I had in my possession Dad’s social security card, his draft card and voter registration card. Why not Google the addresses to see what I could uncover?

My father once lived in Brooklyn, NY in the red brick building in the center.

My father once lived in Brooklyn, NY in the red brick building in the center. Image: Google Maps

I started with 421 59th Street in Brooklyn, New York. Luckily, despite all of the shiny new skyscrapers dotting the New York skyline, many of New York City’s older buildings are still in existence, often seemingly untouched, a snapshot of yesteryear. Google Maps brought it up with no problem, and I found myself staring at a modest looking building where, at least according to the government document, my father lived during some point in the mid to late 1950’s.

Online research tools make it easier to hunt down bits and pieces of the past. Of course, a place without stories is just an address but every little piece of information is precious.

5 Comments

Filed under Memories

Tagged as ,

May 20, 2013 · 9:51 pm

Tips for Enhancing Mealtime Success

I found these tips so fascinating and hopefully useful for current caregivers. My dad struggled with swallowing at the end of his life and I wish the staff at the facility he was at had been aware of some of these insightful tips.

1 Comment

Filed under Memories

May 14, 2013 · 7:09 pm

Memories set to music

I’ve long been a fan of singer-songwriter Patty Griffin. I feel she is one of the best songwriters alive. Her music is emotionally moving, alternately joyful and heartbreaking. Her latest album, “American Kid” was released this month. It is a tribute to her father who died a few years ago. Many of the songs are about loss and waiting for someone who is on the brink of life and death to pass. Griffin’s father was a proud Boston Irish Catholic and I could imagine him sharing some attributes with my own father. There’s even a song called “Irish Boy” on the album.

Image courtesy of PattyGriffin.com

Image courtesy of PattyGriffin.com

I was particularly struck by the particular memories that Griffin crafted into beautiful songs. “Don’t Let Me Die in Florida” was a phrase her father said after visiting the state to bury his brother. “Wild Old Dog” was inspired by a lengthy road trip Griffin took, where she saw a stray dog race across the highway, leaving her to ponder how God is like a wild old dog abandoned on the side of the road. A moment that most of us would only momentarily feel sadness about became a beautiful philosophical statement. And “That Kind of Lonely” which made me visualize a family gathered around a departing loved one, struck me with the line “Everyone in this room wanted to be somewhere else.” That is so true, whether it’s a dying relative or visiting a loved one in a nursing home.

It is understandably a moving and sometimes heartbreaking album but there are also moments of joy and throughout the album, a deep and everlasting love for her father. Not all of us have the talent of Patty Griffin, but it is inspiring me to remember the small moments as well as the big moments and continue to honor my father’s memory through writing.

2 Comments

Filed under Memories

Tagged as , ,

May 8, 2013 · 4:41 pm

Caring for Yourself When Caring for Someone with Alzheimer’s

Today I’m featuring a guest post by freelance writer Katie Elizabeth. She offers up helpful advice and positive lessons for Alzheimer’s caregivers. If you would like to write a guest post for The Memories Project, feel free to contact me at joyjohnston.writer@gmail.com.

When someone you love, such as a parent, is diagnosed with Alzheimer’s, it’s a scary and overwhelming experience. You have a lot of questions, you start preparing for the worst and you start to see Mom or Dad in an entirely different light. Suddenly, time seems exceptionally precious and you begin hoping for good days. That’s completely normal.

Unfortunately, what’s also normal is that you begin to forget to care about yourself. You start counting regrets, things you wish you would have done and early signs of the disease that seem so obvious now. While it’s natural to want to squeeze in as much quality time as possible or, sometimes, try to distance yourself, slow down. Don’t forget about how you fit in this equation.

Sometimes it seems impossible, but as caregivers we must find alone time.

Sometimes it seems impossible, but as caregivers we must find alone time.

Stop the Flagellation

There are no current, proven ways to stop Alzheimer’s from happening. While this is a simple fact, it’s often hard to process when you’re going through it. It’s often wise to seek counseling for yourself when a loved one is diagnosed to help you process the new information.

There will surely be days when you beat yourself up, such as remembering the eye roll you gave when Dad couldn’t remember something he did every day. Acknowledge it, move on and focus on the present. While that’s easier said than done, it’s a good goal to keep in mind. Noticing and accepting when you cling to the past is the only way to move forward.

Get Your Breaks

Whether you’re moving a parent in with you or finding the perfect care facility for them, it’s important to still carve out time just for you. No one can be a caretaker 24/7, and it’s certainly not a good idea to worry that much. It’s not selfish to create a relaxing time of the day just for you. Whether it’s shopping, a spa day or a good run, let go of the guilt and enjoy your special time.

By giving yourself breaks from caregiving, you’re ensuring that you’re at your best. Nobody wants an overworked, tired, cranky person caring for them. Your empathy, compassion and overall mood will improve with frequent breaks. It can be frustrating dealing with Alzheimer’s, even when the person is a loved one.

Is it Going to Happen to You?

Don’t feel bad if one of your immediate thoughts is “will this happen to me?” While scientists don’t know exactly what causes Alzheimer’s, there’s evidence that genetics is at least somewhat involved. Read up on the theories, but don’t drown in them. If you’re really concerned, consider adding supplements that show evidence of delaying dementia, such as a daily cup of green tea.

There’s no telling if Alzheimer’s will happen to someone close to you. However, worrying guarantees detrimental effects. Enjoy the time you have, focus on the good days and don’t lose yourself in the process.

Leave a comment

Filed under Awareness & Activism

Tagged as ,

May 4, 2013 · 10:22 am

Taking a second look

When I was going through Dad’s old photos and documents again, I came across a recommendation letter that I wrote about in a previous post This was from Dad’s New Orleans years. I know very little about that time period of Dad’s life. At least the date on the letter, March 12, 1959 gives me some point of reference. Dad left Belfast quite young (I believe Aunt Maureen said Dad was 17) and worked a couple of years in England. Then he came to America in the early 1950s and lived in New York City (primarily Brooklyn I believe). By 1959 he was obviously living in New Orleans. By 1965, he was living at the Cecil Hotel in Los Angeles, according to his naturalization record.

Dad-ltr-2

I’ve been trying to piece together more on that New Orleans period. I happened to Google the man’s name on the recommendation letter, James A. Comiskey and discovered that he became a federal district court judge and was outspoken about civil rights. He died in 2005.

You never know what you might stumble upon when looking through old documents that seem to be mundane in nature. I highly recommend taking a second look at any photos or documents you have of loved ones because they may contain interesting bits of history just waiting to be discovered.

4 Comments

Filed under Memories

Tagged as ,

April 29, 2013 · 12:32 pm

Are all diseases treated equally? – I say no!!!! Alzheimer’s far behind all others

An interesting and thought-provoking perspective. Should the government fund disease research equally across the board? Currently, Alzheimer’s is WAY behind other diseases like cancer and AIDS. Yet, Alzheimer’s care cost the government and society far more. A difficult issue that warrants further discussion.

Richard Kenny's avatarRichard A Kenny's Alzheimer's | Dementia | Caregiving | Caregiver | Family | EndALZ | Parents

I recently attended the Alzheimer’s Advocacy Forum in DC. I also heard our message that we need to ask for additional funding, but our goal is not to take from any other diseases that are funded by the National Institutes of Health (NIH).

In some regards, I disagree with this! I know my opinion will not be shared by many, if any!

Fact:

Alzheimer’s is the costliest disease in the country! (Medicade/Medicare and family funded)

$140+ Billion paid by Medicaid and Medicare and only $483 Million in research dollars last year. If we invested $14 Billion a year towards Alzheimer’s research, that would only be 10% of what the federal government spends on Alzheimer’s care. I think that is a good investment to reduce our future expenses.

“… Alzheimer’s is the most expensive malady in the U.S….”

“… skyrocketing at a rate that rarely occurs with a chronic disease.”

“……

View original post 1,846 more words

Leave a comment

Filed under Memories

April 23, 2013 · 12:53 pm

Melting pot woes

With the profile of the two Tsarnaev brothers who are suspects in the Boston Marathon bombing evolving, it appears they were once grateful immigrants to America. Of course, they were children then. As they grew up, something apparently changed, especially for the elder brother. I’ve been thinking a lot about Dad and his own experience as a young man immigrating all by himself to America from Northern Ireland. He would have been about the same age as Dzhokhar Tsarnaev, the surviving suspect and the younger of the two brothers.

Like the Tsarnaev brothers, my father hailed from a war-torn region which had seen a lot of bloody conflict with the government that controlled the area. Dad spoke openly about his hatred for the ruling British system in Northern Ireland and his deep-seated belief that Northern Ireland Catholics should be free from British control. From time to time, he would make vague mentions of IRA membership and how he couldn’t return home to Belfast because of his past activity. I’ll never know for sure but I will guess this was just a bit of paranoia on his part. I do believe that if he had stayed in Belfast and never immigrated to the U.S., he likely would have become heavily involved in the IRA. Dad was a very proud Irishman and while not a violent person, I do believe he would have been willing to lay his life on the line for the cause.

A joke card from one of Dad's bars back in the day.

The only thing this made Dad a member of was a bar.

The IRA is of course designated a terrorist organization, though Dad always defended the group whenever there was an IRA-sponsored bombing that caused casualties and made the world news report. The U.S. government has played a mediator role in negotiations, with a mixed record of success. Still, I can’t imagine Dad being involved in an attack against his adopted country to make some sort of statement for the IRA.

Certainly, radical Islam and the IRA are two very different beasts. America was a very different country when my father arrived in the early 1950’s, though still heavily broken down by ethnic groups where he lived in Brooklyn. In the light of the tragic Boston Marathon attack, I wish I could ask Dad more about his experiences as a young immigrant trying to find his way in a rapidly developing America. Did he have doubts and frustrations? Did he ever want to leave and return to Ireland?

America’s diversity in race, religion and culture has been a unique and overall successful experiment. But tragedies like the Boston Marathon also highlight the struggles the melting pot creates.

Leave a comment

Filed under Memories

Tagged as , , ,

April 17, 2013 · 12:22 pm

Living with grief

I’ve been contemplating grief, both mine and others lately. This was even before the tragic events at the Boston Marathon. I’ve watched documentaries covering the topics of the dying and the grieving process for those left behind. I watched “Griefwalker” featuring Stephen Jenkinson, a fascinating man who has dedicated part of his life to helping spiritually care for the dying. He makes some interesting points about how much humans fear death, even now with technological advances that removes much of the pain and suffering. We have convinced ourselves we fear the suffering, but it is really the unknown that death offers that strikes fear in our heart.

Image credit: OrphanWisdom.com

Image credit: OrphanWisdom.com

With Alzheimer’s and dementia patients, it’s so hard to know how much they still understand as they move towards their own dying process. I know my father was very afraid of dying, and especially of the thought of being placed in a coffin and buried. At least we were able to take that worry from him by having him cremated. But there is no way of knowing if those who are mentally compromised grasp the notion of death even in the moment it occurs. Perhaps it doesn’t matter at all to the dying, perhaps they are already on a different plane. Perhaps it is only those that are left behind who must grapple with the dying process.

I often think back to the morning my father died in the shower of the skilled nursing facility. Was there any recognition on his part that he was departing this life? Or was he trapped within the murky world of dementia until his last breath?

In ways I think we try too hard to make sense of the very natural processes of living and dying. We complicate matters by trying to rationalize every aspect of our world instead of allowing ourselves to feel both the pain and joy of living.

This quote from Stephen Jenksion is very simple yet profound: “Grief: It’s how you love all of those things in life that end.”

Indeed.

Leave a comment

Filed under Memories

Tagged as , , , , ,

April 13, 2013 · 6:49 pm

Sexual Behaviors in an Assisted Living Facility

This is an important topic that no adult child wants to have to deal with but it is simply human nature at work.

Leave a comment

Filed under Memories

April 10, 2013 · 5:17 pm

Dad’s 81st birthday

Today would have been Dad’s 81st birthday. I never expected my father to live that far into old age, as I always suspected his nearly lifelong smoking habit would catch up to him sooner rather than later. Despite being diagnosed with COPD and emphysema he never suffered the severe consequences of those diseases. He wasn’t one of those people who needed to carry an oxygen tank with him or who could not walk a few steps without getting out of breath. He remained in decent physical shape until the last few months of his life. It was the parts of his brain that stopped working properly that caused him the biggest health-related issues.

A visit with the ducks.

A visit with the ducks.

Today is a beautiful spring day where I live. Okay the pollen that has covered everything in town with a yellow dust isn’t so pretty but the experts claim that doesn’t cause the bad allergy reactions. I wasn’t going to let a little pollen stop me from honoring Dad’s birthday. I took a walk through the park, imagining how much Dad would have enjoyed such beautiful scenery. I visited the lake with the ducks and a pair came right up on the platform where I was for awhile before honking and taking off. I always enjoy seeing the ducks as it reminds me of happy childhood memories of visiting the park with my parents and feeding the ducks. And those honks made me think of Dad’s impersonations of Donald Duck that I loved so much as a little girl.

A Titanic souvenir.

A Titanic souvenir.

Next I finally made it to the Titanic exhibit. I know Dad would have loved to see the old photographs and recovered items from the world’s most famous ship. You receive a boarding pass with a name of an actual Titanic passenger with your ticket. At the end of the exhibit you get to see if “your” passenger survived or perished. Sadly, my passenger was Mrs. Benjamin Peacock who perished along with her two small children. They were coming to America to join Mr. Peacock who had already arrived in the U.S. the year before and was awaiting their arrival in New Jersey. The whole family was supposed to travel together but the wife was ill at the time and so her husband went on ahead of the family until she was well enough to travel. Sadly, that coincided with the maiden voyage of the Titanic.

I’m going to wrap up the day with an Irish whiskey toast. Last year I had just started a new job so I didn’t have time to honor Dad’s 80th birthday properly. Today I felt Dad’s presence with me throughout the day and I’m glad I was able to mark Dad’s birthday in a special way.

1 Comment

Filed under Memories

Tagged as , , ,