I’ve been out of the country to attend and speak at News Reach Con, a conference for those in the news SEO industry. In Germany where I was, celebrating Halloween is growing some in popularity but not to the same level as in the US. As I’ve written many times on this blog, I’ve always enjoyed Halloween and have mostly fond memories of celebrating the holiday as a child. Halloween also makes me think of how my father took on a neighborhood bully who had been mean to me at a community gathering, which I write about in The Reluctant Caregiver.
While at the conference, one of the speakers, Louisa Frahm, was wearing a fabulous “Elvira Mistress of the Dark” dress. We chatted about growing up with Elvira and how as children, the racy innuendos flew right over our heads as we just enjoyed the costumes and silly movies. I credit Elvira with inspiring my love of cheesy B-horror movies, something that I continue to enjoy to this day.
Zoom in to see Louisa’s fabulous Elvira dress! Photo by Markus Mielek.
I hope your Halloween brings more treats than tricks.
Halloween animation generated by Google Flow AI with Veo.
Today the NFL played a game in Dublin, Ireland. It made me think about my childhood and watching football with my father. Of course, being from Northern Ireland, my father’s first passion was soccer, which he continued to enjoy watching throughout my childhood. He was fond of listening to the Spanish simulcast, even though Dad didn’t understand Spanish, because of the enthusiasm of the announcer. It may have been Andrés Cantor, because I remember the famous “gooooooal!” call and how my Dad loved to try and mimic it.
The first sport I learned from my father was baseball. We would watch Dodgers games and Dad would remind me that the team was once located in Brooklyn, where he once lived. The timing of the team’s move from East to West Coast was right around the time my father arrived in the US, so I doubt he got to see the team play in Brooklyn but he no doubt learned the team’s lore during his time in the Big Apple.
We did watch American football as well. I mostly remember watching college football with my dad when I was a teenager. Of course my Dad rooted for the Notre Dame Fighting Irish. Being a teenager, I would choose the opposing team. I remember watching the Colorado-Notre Dame Orange Bowl rivalry, and how it was one of those rare bonding moments with my dad during my adolescence, as were often like passing ships in the night with his work schedule and my school and work schedule.
I also remember watching NFL games with my father. One specific memory is Super Bowl XXV. I’m pretty sure my father was cheering on the Buffalo Bills because of their quarterback Jim Kelly. Dad tended to support anyone with an Irish name. I remember the “wide right” missed kick by Scott Norwood, which cost the Bills the championship and began a heartbreaking string of Super Bowl losses for the team.
I think Dad would have liked seeing a NFL game being played in Ireland. And I think he would have approved of a Steelers win, a team owned by the Rooney family with ties to Ireland.
I attended a conference last week in New Orleans. As I’ve written about in the past, the city holds special meaning for me because my father lived there briefly as a young man. It was a pit stop between his initial years as a new immigrant in New York City, and on his way to Los Angeles, where he would spend the bulk of his life.
My father worked at The Roosevelt Hotel in New Orleans, which still exists. Any time I’m in New Orleans, I make sure to stop by The Roosevelt and have a drink to toast Dad at the Sazerac Bar. I was chatting with the bartender and he said he’d heard so many similar stories over the years, especially relatives of those who performed at the hotel’s legendary music venue, the Blue Room.
Taking in the sights and sounds of NOLA, I wonder about the culture shock Dad must have experienced upon arriving to this eccentric and vibrant city as an immigrant from Northern Ireland, after living in one of America’s other iconic cities, New York City. He didn’t stay in New Orleans long, but he did help with the planning of the St. Patrick’s Day Parade while he was there. What a thrilling experience that must have been!
Thanksgiving was one of my family’s favorite holidays. My father loved the food and my mother enjoyed preparing our small family’s meal. If you are hosting or attending a Thanksgiving dinner with a loved one with dementia, it’s important to consider such an occasion from the perspective of someone with cognitive challenges. By planning ahead, remaining flexible, and adjusting your expectations, you increase the chances of everyone having a good time.
Here are important aspects to consider:
Group setting: How many people will be attending the gathering? Is your loved one with dementia comfortable with large groups or do they become easily overwhelmed? What about children or pets? Some people with dementia light up and become more engaged in the presence of children and pets, others may find their energy overwhelming or irritating.
Sitting at a large table can make it difficult for those with dementia to keep up with multiple conversation streams. One solution could be to have multiple smaller table settings to encourage engagement and reduce distractions.
Dietary needs: Dementia can impact a person’s palate, so don’t be surprised or insulted if old favorites are not greeted with much enthusiasm. If dietary restrictions are a consideration, making a plate instead of self-serve may be the best option. Monitor alcohol intake, especially if your loved one takes medications that may interact with alcohol.
Those in the middle to latter stages of Alzheimer’s and other dementias may begin having problems managing cutlery. Consider cutting up food into bite-sized pieces for ease in eating.
One of the more sensitive and heartbreaking aspects of dementia is when someone who loved to cook loses the ability to safely navigate the kitchen and follow recipes. For those who still want to contribute to the Thanksgiving feast, find kitchen tasks that match their ability level. Remember that it’s about the family spending quality time together even more than the food.
Meal presentation: One thing in common with Thanksgiving dinner spreads is that the table is often loaded with multiple dishes. It can be difficult to know where to start even for someone without dementia! Consider using adaptive dinnerware designed for those with dementia.
If your family is hosting and your loved one is no longer able to cook safely, keep them involved by helping set the table.
Need for quiet time: Be prepared to give your loved one a space where they can decompress if necessary. If you are at someone else’s home, perhaps a guest bedroom or if the weather cooperates, a breath of fresh air on the porch could be ideal. Sometimes, a drive around the block may help re-set one’s mood, and worse case scenario, leaving a gathering early is always an option.
Remain flexible and accept that certain beloved family traditions may need to be revamped. After such a social event, make sure your loved one has plenty of time to rest and recover.
By taking these aspects of holiday meal planning into consideration, loved ones with dementia will continue to feel involved and appreciated. Even those who have diminished verbal skills can soak up the love in the room.
I had a work trip this week that took me to New York City for the day. It just so happened to fall on what would have been my father’s 92nd birthday. It was nice to be able to mark the occasion in the first city my father lived in after immigrating to America.
While it’s been almost 70 years since my father walked the streets of the Big Apple, the city’s nonstop energy remains. I can only imagine what my father felt walking these streets, gazing up at skyscrapers, and being part of a community filled with a wide range of cultures and languages. As a young man with his whole life ahead of him, it must have been exciting and likely a bit overwhelming.
On my flight back home, a couple of strangers struck up a conversation and the topic turned to Alzheimer’s. Both were caring for people with dementia, with the man saying he cared for three gentlemen who were younger than him. I find that the amount of people whose lives have been touched by Alzheimer’s has grown a great deal since my father died in 2011.
The years following his death have been tough, both on a personal and global level. I am grateful for having found such an amazing community of dementia caregivers and advocates who are tirelessly working to gain better resources and support. No one welcomes a diagnosis of Alzheimer’s or other forms of dementia, but my family’s experience has opened my eyes to challenges in our health care system that I otherwise would not have known about.
I began The Memories Project blog in honor of my father and will continue to advocate for better dementia care treatment and family caregiver support.
Dad would have turned 91 today. This is the earliest photo I have of him, taken at school and addressed to his beloved mother.
Such a serious young man, with his whole life ahead of him.
Dad didn’t have an easy life, but I’m sure while his feet were planted in the grass of his beloved Belfast, Northern Ireland, he never thought he’d live in sunny Los Angeles. His journey as an immigrant shaped his life, but he never forgot home.
At the end of his life, while in the final stages of Alzheimer’s, he talked about returning home, to see his sisters. We were able to honor his wish, in a way. Some of his ashes were sent to his family in Belfast.
Those of us who have cared for a loved one with dementia know the roller coaster of emotions one can feel. Click on the post below from When Dementia Knocks to learn more about one common yet guilt-ridden experience: wishing for our loved ones to depart this world to finally be free of this terrible disease. I know I felt this more than once towards the end of my father’s life.
Last week, a caregiver told me something that she considered so horrible that she could only say it in a whisper. She told me about her husband and his Alzheimer’s journey. He had just moved from a memory care community to a nursing home. She wasn’t pleased with the care he was receiving. Their kids […]
Thinking of Dad on this Father’s Day weekend. One thing I’ve been reflecting on lately is how even when my father was dealing with the latter stages of dementia, he would tell my mother and I to be careful. He was still trying to protect his family.
To those who have lost their fathers to dementia or who are actively caring for their father with dementia, I hope you can find comfort in loving reflections. For those whose fathers are still alive, I hope you get to spend quality time with him this weekend. Finally, I want to recognize all of the amazing male caregivers out there, fathers and husbands and brothers and sons, who care with compassionate strength.
It has been 10 years since my father’s death. So much has happened in the past decade, but I’ll never forget where I was when my mother called with the worst news of my life, in the middle of the newsroom at the Atlanta Journal-Constitution. I had been waiting for that awful call for quite some time, and some part of me wished for it, because it pained me so much to see my father suffering in the late stages of dementia. But of course there was no immediate sense of relief upon my father’s passing, just sadness and regret.
I do still carry feelings of regret and guilt to this very day, and probably always will. I discuss this at length in The Reluctant Caregiver, and urge others not to judge themselves too harshly. In that spirit, I am taking a look back on what my father inspired me to do over the last decade.
I began this blog, The Memories Project. What began as a way to document memories of my father and process my grief has become the foundation of my dementia and caregiver advocacy platform. I have also met so many fellow caregivers through the blog and am grateful for their wisdom and their support.
I wrote a book, which was a life goal of mine. My collection of personal essays on family caregiving, The Reluctant Caregiver, won a gold medal at the IPPY Awards. An essay from that collection won the Rick Bragg Prize for Nonfiction from the Atlanta Writers Club. A story I wrote about my father, “French Toast,” was included in the Chicken Soup for the Soul: Living with Alzheimer’s and Other Dementias collection. I know my dad, a lifelong lover of books, would be proud.
I finally made it to Ireland and visited my father’s hometown of Belfast, Northern Ireland. This was at the top of my bucket list and has been one of the best experiences of my life.
The privilege of sharing my father’s story through a variety of outlets, including NPR, AlzAuthors, Caring Across Generations and the Aging in America conference.
The decade since my father’s death has been the most difficult of my life, but also the most rewarding. I hope that you can take time this holiday season to recognize and reflect upon the highs amidst the lows of your own caregiving journey. Give yourself the grace that you deserve.
![Pageflex Persona [document: PRS0000038_00069]](https://memoriesproject.files.wordpress.com/2014/02/reluctant-caregiver-cover.jpg)
The Memories Project 