Tag Archives: death

May 12, 2016 · 8:08 pm

Grief by the numbers

 

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Maxime Perron Caissy/Freeimages

A fellow blogger who recently lost her father posed an interesting question on her blog, which went along the lines of what happens after that first year of loss?

As a society, we tend to mark major life events by months, then years. So what does happen on that first month after the first year marking the death of a loved one? While it’s common for people to mark the six month anniversary of something, the 13th month is not so common.

Soon, I will know, as the one year anniversary of my mother’s death quickly approaches May 21.

I don’t think my grief will suddenly lessen when June 21 rolls around, but perhaps a loosening in the monthly ritual is a part of the healing process. There was at least one month in this first year where I actually didn’t mark the day itself; I thought about it before and after but not on the actual day. At first I felt bad, but then I realized that it was probably a positive sign.

My father’s death was a completely different process. First, there was a greater sense of relief in that death finally freed my father from Alzheimer’s cruel gasp. At 79, Dad had lived a pretty long life and as an almost lifelong smoker, if dementia hadn’t taken him, emphysema (which he had) or lung cancer probably would have. With my mom, even though she was only 2 years younger, I felt like with proper, prompt treatment, she may have had some good years left.

Another difference in the grief process was that my grieving for my dad was cut short due to my mom’s illness. She became ill just six months after my father died. I had to switch gears, letting Dad rest in peace while I poured all of my energy into keeping Mom alive and nursing her back to health. By the time she recovered, Dad had been gone for a year or so and time had began to heal the loss.

In a way though, taking care of Mom helped me feel less guilty about not being there for dad as a caregiver. So while I’m not saying that Mom’s cancer diagnosis was a good thing, there was at least one positive outcome.

After surviving Mother’s Day (which I marked by participating in a charity walk and visiting cats at a shelter) I have now survived every holiday for the first time “motherless.” For those of you have been through the grieving process, I’m sure you can understand my feeling of relief.

 

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May 1, 2016 · 4:12 pm

May is for Mother

mom-joy-nov2014

This is the first Mother’s Day I will experience motherless. At this time last year, Mom was quickly approaching death. In fact, I got her flowers early because I was afraid she might not live until Mother’s Day.

Knowing that would be the last Mother’s Day she would be alive was difficult. How do you express a lifetime of gratitude into a single day?

 

But experiencing Mother’s Day without a living mother is equally as difficult.

It is almost impossible to avoid the holiday. Mother’s Day ads are online, in stores, on TV … reminders to honor your mother are everywhere. I received an email reminder from the florist, to remind me I bought Mom flowers last year, and did I want to order again this year?  I’m sure the business thought this was a good selling tool, but it was just a gut-wrenching reminder of the sadness I felt when placing that order. (On the flip side, Mom loved the flowers.)

I just got back from a visit to what was my parents’ condo. Each trip I am trying to make a few changes, to slowly transition it from a place of sadness and illness, which it became over the last several years of my parents’ life, to a peaceful mountain respite that my parents enjoyed for many years.

My mother’s perfume still lingers in the bedroom. Of course I reflected on the events of last year while I was there, but I busied myself by putting together new furniture and rearranging things to make it my own. It’s what my parents would want, and I left the condo feeling fairly good about the progress.

And now, a week of nonstop Mother’s Day advertisements to navigate. I know at least a few fellow bloggers who have lost their mothers in recent years, so I know you understand how it feels. Certainly just because our mothers are no longer living doesn’t mean we cannot honor their life on Mother’s Day, and that’s what I intend upon doing.

How will you mark Mother’s Day?

 

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February 21, 2016 · 3:26 pm

Dreaming of the dead

Today marks nine months since my mom died. It’s hard to believe that I’m already coming up on the one-year anniversary.

Certainly, life marches forward and I have been propelled forward with it, but I still think of my mother daily, and often, it is about those last tough years when she battled illness, and not of the better times.

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Skyro/Freeimages

I’m writing essays about the caregiving experience so it doesn’t surprise me that these thoughts are in my head. This week, I had a vivid dream about Mom, in which she was very much alive. I first saw her in a bathtub, and it was a bit scary for a moment, a la that scene from The Shining. But the dream didn’t take a nightmarish turn after that. Mom just kept popping up, alive and well, and I was puzzled and felt the need to keep her hidden.

I read a bit about what a tub can symbolize in a dream, and a lot of it made sense. One site said that it can symbolize emotional instability, vulnerability and the ups and downs of life. A bath can also symbolize a cleansing, both literally and figuratively.

Another major takeaway from the bathtub symbol in dreams is that it means one needs to let go of a burden they have been carrying. It can mean the need to shake off troubles and relax.

Hmm, okay subconscious mind, I get the hint! I’m going on a week’s vacation soon.

I’d be curious to know about any significant dreams you’ve had while grieving, or any dreams you’ve had about dead relatives. I find dream analysis fascinating.

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October 31, 2015 · 10:20 pm

A mix of tricks and treats on Halloween

It seems strange not picking up the phone today and wishing my mother a happy Halloween.

Even though we never spent the holiday together after I was grown, my mom always went out of her way to make Halloween special for me as a kid. That included a nifty handmade “Planet of the Apes” costume when I was very small. As I got a little older, my parents faithfully took me to a nearby park for a community event which was like a carnival, complete with games and you guessed it, candy!

halloween cards

Every time I passed a Halloween card display this month, I felt a pang in my heart. Never again would I pick out a Halloween card for my mom. And never would I receive another one from her.

But, I also have kept the cards she sent to me over the years. So I pulled a few of those out, and read the messages from happier times. This lifted my spirits.

I have no shortage of written memories from my mom. Much of the correspondence may be of the mundane variety, but there is her writing, her words, her expressions of love.

So perhaps there are more treats than tricks this Halloween after all.

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October 21, 2015 · 9:57 am

Time marches on, with or without us

Today it has been five months since my mother died. With the crisp mornings of fall now greeting me each day, it’s the second season I’m experiencing without Mom. It will be the first year without a Halloween card from Mom, a holiday we both enjoyed and that my mom always tried to make fun for me as a child.

I was looking through photos and came across one from just about a year ago. It was taken in Nov. 2014, when Mom was already beginning her final battle. The pain was at least somewhat bearable then, but she’d already been to the ER.

It’s one of the last pictures I have of the two of us together. She’s still smiling, still has her makeup on, was still Mom.

mom-joy-nov2014

Even though she wasn’t well then, little did we know that six months later, she would be dead.

I guess I can take some solace in the fact that she didn’t suffer that long, though it felt like to me she did. Some people can go on for years suffering much worse than my mom did.

I’m glad I made the tradition of taking selfies with Mom at the end of each trip home, even if they are not of the best quality.

We have to capture the fleeting happy moments together as best we can.

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August 23, 2015 · 4:40 pm

A time of transition

Friday marked the three-month anniversary of my mother’s death. Certainly not a day goes by that I don’t think of her, but I am beginning to move through a transition phase.

Everyone’s grief process is unique and whether it takes a month or a year or 10 years, there is no reason to delay or rush the process. Nowadays, so many people want to be able to read a book or even just a Facebook post that offers them 10 steps to grieving and getting on with their lives.

I couldn't make it my home without adding a bit of "catitude" to the decor.

I couldn’t make it my home without adding a bit of “catitude” to the decor.

But like with the rest of life, grief is not easy.

With each marker of time, such as a birthday or holiday, the reminder of a loved one’s passing hits home once again. With each such event, the loss becomes more permanent.

I made decent strides while I was in New Mexico clearing out my parents’ belongings from the condo and beginning to add some of my own touches. This will be a long work in process, physically, financially and emotionally.

But the residence in New Mexico is slowly transitioning from being a place of sickness and burden, to being a place of rest and reflection. These kinds of shifts don’t happen overnight, and I know there will be bumps along the road.

There is a point where former caregivers can see beginnings, instead of just endings along their path of life. It takes some getting used to, but it’s part of the journey.

What helped you to cope after the death of a loved one?

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July 6, 2015 · 7:08 pm

Mom’s first birthday without her

Today would have been my mom’s 78th birthday.

Last year, Mom was still doing pretty well but the pain that would plague her for the rest of her life had already reared its ugly head. It was not yet the chronic, acute pain that would agonize her final months, but it was a sign that illness had rejoined the family.

I had a feeling this time last year that it would be my mom’s final birthday. At the time I feared the cancer had returned, but hoped it was just another hernia that could be surgically repaired.

My mom on her 77th birthday.

My mom on her 77th birthday.

We never did get a confirmation as to whether or not the cancer had returned, thanks to a whole host of roadblocks, from my mother’s surgeon suddenly leaving town, to appointments with the new surgeon getting bumped, to bad winter weather forcing her to cancel appointments. None of the scans that she had performed repeatedly showed a tumor, but by the time a colonoscopy was ordered, she was too weak to have it done.

I’m glad for her last birthday on this earth that I was with her and was able to present her with the Chicken Soup for the Soul book that included my submission which was inspired by my mother. She loved it and read it aloud over and over.

Today I went to an energy healing session. It was a fascinating and insightful experience and I highly recommend it if you feel like you are emotionally overwhelmed or emotionally blocked in some way. I’m an open-minded skeptic when it comes to such things, but the insights provided gave me plenty of food for thought and self-improvement tips for the mind, spirit and body.

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July 5, 2015 · 9:27 pm

Brush with death while reflecting upon death

Today, while walking to the park, I was almost hit by a car. I had for the first time in my life the overwhelming fear at facing my own sudden demise.

The street I was crossing is a major road in my neighborhood, with one side being the beginning of the park. I was approaching from the other side, and was crossing at the crosswalk, which has a flashing light that by law requires cars to stop for any pedestrians.

crosswalk

Sadly, very few Atlanta drivers obey this law.

On top of that, all of the metal barriers were left up from the marathon that had been run the day before. I positioned myself in front of one of these barriers, and waited for the cars to either stop or clear the intersection before crossing.

Finally, a large SUV stopped for me. I could not see around it, but waved thanks to the driver and began crossing. That’s when I heard a horn honk, and the car behind the SUV pulled out and suddenly was barreling straight at me.

I froze, fully expecting to be struck by the car. I put my hand out, I guess hoping to launch myself on the hood instead of going under the wheels.

Fortunately, the impatient driver had good brakes. My hand landed on the hood of the car as it came to a halt.

To say the least, I was shaken. I had wanted to go for a long walk and brainstorm some of the ideas I have for essays about taking care of my mother. Instead I spent most of the time shaking off that brush with death.

I guess the takeaway is that you never know when you are leaving this world. It could be crossing a street you’ve crossed safely a hundred times in your neighborhood. Try to make each day as satisfying as possible.

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June 21, 2015 · 12:05 pm

A double whammy on Father’s Day

Not only is today Father’s Day, but it is also the one-month anniversary of my mother’s death. So both of my parents are weighing on my mind heavily today.

I can’t believe it has already been a month since Mom passed. Of course I think of her every day, but I especially thought of her when the tragedy in Charleston occurred. Mom was always so heartbroken to hear news like that. She truly could not understand why some people choose hate over love.

family pic

So just like with any death, life goes on, the good, the bad, and the ugly.

To honor my mom today, I’m getting my hair done, which was one of her favorite activities. She loved going to the salon, and sadly, she had to cancel her last appointment because she wasn’t feeling well.

To honor Dad on Father’s Day, I’m going to take a long walk in the park, one of his favorite activities.

How are you spending your Father’s Day?

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May 31, 2015 · 1:47 pm

Grief, relief and regret

As anyone knows who has lost a loved one, your grief doesn’t always progress through the designated stages like it’s described in books. Many of these self-help manuals make it clear that there is no one correct path, but it’s still something you have to experience for yourself to understand.

To all of you who left lovely comments, thank you so much. It does help to know you are not alone.

The first few days after my mother’s death were fueled by an adrenaline rush, to power through and focus on completing the necessary tasks. My goal was to get home as soon as possible.

Mom was a jokester, and would want to be remembered with smiles and laughter, not tears.

Mom was a jokester, and would want to be remembered with smiles and laughter, not tears.

I returned home and took a few days off from work to get settled in and recharge my batteries. I spent a lot of time receiving “purr therapy” from the cats. I went on walks. I got a massage.

Then I returned to work and the fast pace of my daily duties left me little time for reflection.

So here I am, 10 days after my mom’s death, and more than grief or sadness, I’ve experienced moments of relief and regret.

There is a sense of relief at how quiet my phone is now. Over the last year or so, I had talked to Mom daily on the phone, and over the last few months, she was calling me multiple times per day sometimes, usually to remark about her pain or lack of effective medication. I began to dread seeing her face when it would pop up on my phone, signaling a call from her.

Mom was about the only person to call me on the phone. (I prefer written communication whenever possible.) My battery has dipped low a couple of times, but I wasn’t frantic about making sure I was available by phone because at this moment, for the first time in several years, I am not managing the care of an ailing parent. There is relief in not feeling like I’m on call 24/7.

The regrets pop up in scenes played out from the last month, when I was taking care of Mom. I think what I can take away from these flashbacks is to not get so lost in the necessary caregiving tasks that you forget the simple things, like trying to make it possible for a loved one to enjoy a moment basking in the sunlight, or having a spoon of ice cream. There may be risks involved in trying to make a dying person happy, but looking back, they are risks I wish I had taken.

What lessons have you learned from grieving for a loved one?

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