Category Archives: Memories

December 1, 2015 · 7:38 pm

Like it or not, change is constant

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Photo credit: Mark Brannan/FreeImages

While I knew my mother’s death would be difficult to process, one thing I secretly looked forward to was the idea that my life would settle down once I was off the caregiver roller coaster.

For several years, a phone call could turn my world upside down. I seem to remember a time when life was not so unpredictable. My early twenties was filled with some standard life changes, graduating college and moving to a big city to begin the working girl phase of life. Certainly there were ups and downs throughout the rest of my twenties and early thirties, but I had established a relatively drama-free domestic life.

I thought once Mom was at peace, I would be able to reestablish a comfortable routine in my life. I would have welcomed a period of boredom.

Maybe it’s just the demands of middle age, but the six months since Mom’s death have been anything but boring. There have been some good moments and some bad ones, but the one constant thing is change.

For example, this week a coworker of mine had to take emergency medical leave and I find myself working overnight shifts for the time being. I volunteered, finding myself not as resistant to change as in the past.

I still find myself getting stressed out by the potholes and roadblocks of life, but begrudgingly I have to admit that for the most part, while unwelcome changes can be temporarily annoying, life has a way of working itself out.

The bumps in the road may seem endless at the moment, but things will smooth out eventually.

If you wait for life to settle down, it may pass you by.

 

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November 26, 2015 · 5:20 pm

Thankful for memories

I discovered recently while having Christmas ornaments made with family photos that my family did not take a lot of holiday pictures.

There were a handful of photos when I was a baby and small child, and then virtually nothing during the rest of my childhood. Of course, back then, we didn’t have the devices that make taking photos and videos so easy now.

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It made me a bit sad that there were so few photos of holiday celebrations, but I am thankful I have the memories. There were no fancy Thanksgiving recipes, it was all from boxes and cans, but it was my favorite meal of the year, because it was made with love and it was a meal my parents and I looked forward to so much.

There won’t be any more meals with my parents in this lifetime, but I consider myself fortunate to have such memories.

 

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November 21, 2015 · 5:28 pm

A fragile healing over the grief

Today marks six months since my mother died. In many ways, it seems impossible that so much time has passed. A half a year! I think of her multiple times daily, and honestly, most of my thoughts are fixated on those last months. I wish her end had been less painful, though I know dwelling on it will not change anything.

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But certainly there are some things moving along in the right direction. The house is refinanced, and I hope to have credit card debt cleared in less than a year. My job is going well, and I’m thankful for the good benefits it provides.

I’m writing not quite as much I think I should, but I am writing. I won a writing award. I was interviewed for a documentary.

To use a not-so-lovely analogy, my grief feels like a bad wound that is slowly healing. If I leave it alone, and don’t pick at it too much, it will eventually heal and a scar may be the only reminder. But it won’t burn or hurt permanently, if I tend to it well. If I let time take its course, and focus on other things, the healing process will work.

I just need to trust in that process.

I need to resist the temptation to open that wound.

My mom would wish me peace over pain. I need to honor her wishes.

 

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November 9, 2015 · 9:05 pm

Applying writing wisdom to life as a caregiver

I attended the Atlanta Writers Conference this weekend and learned interesting tidbits about the publishing industry and enjoyed hearing about other writer’s projects.

Raymond L. Atkins, an author and guest speaker at the conference, told about how he handled a situation where the publisher selected a cover image that he felt didn’t fit the plot of his novel. The publishing house wanted to market the book as a mystery, when the author knew his book was a romance.

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The chosen cover featured an ominous barn. The author was puzzled because there was no such building in his book.

The publisher said they knew that, and wanted him to add a barn to the story.

The author didn’t really want to, but according to his signed contract, the matter was out of his hands and at the discretion of the publisher. So he added the darn barn.

Two pages later, that barn burned down.

To me, this was a great example of “when life hands you lemons, make lemonade.”

As caregivers, we may find ourselves following advice we question but feel powerless to challenge. But we always have power over our own actions and our attitude.

Don’t be afraid to burn barns, figuratively speaking, of course!

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November 6, 2015 · 11:16 am

The Day I’ll Finally Stop Grieving

This is not an easy read, and if you are looking for uplifting, then move along. But for me, where I am in the grieving process, this really hit home. I agree with the author that grief does not have an expiration date. That doesn’t mean that we don’t or shouldn’t go on and lead a productive life, just that our love for those gone will always be a part of us.

Source: The Day I’ll Finally Stop Grieving

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October 31, 2015 · 10:20 pm

A mix of tricks and treats on Halloween

It seems strange not picking up the phone today and wishing my mother a happy Halloween.

Even though we never spent the holiday together after I was grown, my mom always went out of her way to make Halloween special for me as a kid. That included a nifty handmade “Planet of the Apes” costume when I was very small. As I got a little older, my parents faithfully took me to a nearby park for a community event which was like a carnival, complete with games and you guessed it, candy!

halloween cards

Every time I passed a Halloween card display this month, I felt a pang in my heart. Never again would I pick out a Halloween card for my mom. And never would I receive another one from her.

But, I also have kept the cards she sent to me over the years. So I pulled a few of those out, and read the messages from happier times. This lifted my spirits.

I have no shortage of written memories from my mom. Much of the correspondence may be of the mundane variety, but there is her writing, her words, her expressions of love.

So perhaps there are more treats than tricks this Halloween after all.

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October 27, 2015 · 8:00 am

Medical studies are important, but results may be deceiving

As caregivers, we are always interested in reading the latest and greatest study on whatever condition our loved one is afflicted with. For me, I read a lot about Alzheimer’s and other dementia forms, as well as colon cancer, because those are the two conditions that claimed my parents’ lives.

Since I also work as a journalist, I know all too well how the latest studies become alarming headline fodder to generate page views. Recently, I wrote how a new study was completely misrepresented by certain media outlets, which ran with the headline, “Is Alzheimer’s contagious?” or some variation of that theme.

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The scare study of the week is about processed meats and increased cancer risk. “Bacon is as bad for you as cigarettes” was a typical headline I saw today. But a deeper dive finds that the World Health Organization doesn’t actually rank what they determine to be carcinogens, so while cigarettes, processed meats, and asbestos may all be defined as known carcinogens, the risk of disease and death likely varies.

WHO does track death statistics and those would indicate that smoking still claims more lives than those eating hot dogs. So is eating hot dogs probably bad for you? Yes, if you indulge on a daily or regular basis. And while yet another recent study indicates that food can be addictive (pizza being the most addictive), cigarette smokers are likely to smoke many more cigarettes than people will eat slices of pizza or scarf down hot dogs on a daily basis. The more you are exposed to a carcinogen, the higher your risk of cancer, studies would suggest.

Another interesting twist on parsing these studies comes from the New York Times, which analyzes a study about how honey is no better for health than sugar. Despite the tantalizing headlines, the study group was alarmingly small and the study was very short-lived, making the results less reliable.

My mom disliked processed meats and red meat. She ate little meat, and was mainly a vegetarian. She didn’t smoke. Yet she ended up with colon cancer, which is the main cancer associated with these processed meat studies. So diet is no doubt important, but it isn’t everything. Sometimes, disease strikes at random.

You don’t have to be a health nut to know that bacon and hot dogs are not the healthiest nutrition choices. Enjoy in moderation, and instead of reading and worrying over the latest health study, get out and exercise or enjoy your favorite hobby.

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October 21, 2015 · 9:57 am

Time marches on, with or without us

Today it has been five months since my mother died. With the crisp mornings of fall now greeting me each day, it’s the second season I’m experiencing without Mom. It will be the first year without a Halloween card from Mom, a holiday we both enjoyed and that my mom always tried to make fun for me as a child.

I was looking through photos and came across one from just about a year ago. It was taken in Nov. 2014, when Mom was already beginning her final battle. The pain was at least somewhat bearable then, but she’d already been to the ER.

It’s one of the last pictures I have of the two of us together. She’s still smiling, still has her makeup on, was still Mom.

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Even though she wasn’t well then, little did we know that six months later, she would be dead.

I guess I can take some solace in the fact that she didn’t suffer that long, though it felt like to me she did. Some people can go on for years suffering much worse than my mom did.

I’m glad I made the tradition of taking selfies with Mom at the end of each trip home, even if they are not of the best quality.

We have to capture the fleeting happy moments together as best we can.

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October 19, 2015 · 1:09 pm

Facebook’s ‘On this Day’ feature reminds people of memories they’d rather forget

It started out with good intentions. Facebook created a feature called “On this Day” that reminds users what they had posted a year ago, two years ago, etc. The prior year posts are flagged in your newsfeed, and you can choose whether to share them with your friends or keep it private.

While no doubt the idea was to remind people of happy memories, such as births, weddings and family vacations, for some of us, our Facebook timelines are filled with depressing posts.

A Facebook "On this Day" moment capturing my mom's crazy shopping list.

A Facebook “On this Day” moment capturing my mom’s crazy shopping list.

If you are a long-term family caregiver, your timeline may look more like a roller coaster of memories, with good, bad and the ugly all present.

I’ve ran into a few issues with prior posts that brought up memories of my mother, and that summer of 2012 when she was recovering from cancer. There have also been some “On this Day” posts featuring departed pets. Not always the thing you want to greet you as you start your day.

Being on Facebook is a part of my job so I cannot simply ignore it.

As it turns out, other Facebook users were also having a bittersweet experience with this new feature, so now there is a filter option. Users can filter out names and/or periods of time to skip over painful memories like deaths and divorces.

If only it were that easy to filter out bad memories in real life. Still, I believe that the ups and downs of life are all part of the experience of being a human being. While I am glad Facebook added the filter feature, I haven’t actually used it yet.

If I was strong enough to survive the actual experience, I can also survive the memories.

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October 12, 2015 · 7:43 pm

Reminders of a loved one come from the strangest of places

Over the weekend, I was watching the Unauthorized Melrose Place Story on Lifetime (yes I know, feel free to judge me for my guilty pleasures.)

Let’s just say I was in a nostalgic mood.

The commercials were not geared towards the Generation X crowd that was likely watching the movie, but an older demographic. Commercial after commercial, I felt like I was being bombarded by memories of my parents. Can’t a girl catch a break while watching a stupid movie?

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First, there was the Colace ad, and that reminded me of Mom’s long battle with constipation over the last year of her life, and how that lowered her quality of life.

Then there was the Ensure ad, which of course made me think of Mom’s last month or so, and how that’s all she consumed, her meals coming down to chocolate, vanilla or butter pecan flavor drinks. I also was responsible for ordering Ensure for my dad when he was in the nursing home. Dark chocolate was his favorite, which was strange, because he never was a big chocolate lover.

Finally, there was the Depends ad, though this was for a new, “sexier” version for younger women with only mild bladder control issues. In fact, Mom really didn’t have an incontinence issue until the last week or so of her life, once she started the morphine. The ad made me remember a humorous moment years ago, when a Depends representative showed up at the newsroom I was working in to promote new products for the Health content channel I was helping to manage. My coworker got the giggles and you know how contagious giggles are! Fortunately, the Depends rep had a good sense of humor. I guess you have to when you work there.

Little did I know that a couple of years later, I would spend quite a bit of time perusing Depends for my father, as Alzheimer’s made him incontinent.

I’m guessing most people my age watching such a movie would completely tune out such ads, because it has nothing to do with their lives. But as caregivers, we become quite familiar with many things we thought we never encounter.

Who knows, maybe Mom was judging me from the other side for my movie choice!

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