March 28, 2016 · 10:33 pm

‘Driving Miss Norma’ inspires many

I have been following the journey of Norma, the 90-year-old woman who lost her husband and learned that she had cancer in the same 2-week time span. While that would drive many of us straight to our beds, Norma surprised everyone by saying she wanted to hit the road.

Her family is taking her on a trip around the country, and Norma is having the time of her life. She chose to skip a risky surgery, and cancer treatment that would have left her sick and exhausted, and instead live out her final days on a grand adventure.

Miss Norma

Miss Norma, via Driving Miss Norma/Facebook.

 

When Norma told her doctor of her plans, he responded, “Right on!”

The world agrees, and the Driving Miss Norma Facebook page has gone viral, with thousands of people around the world following her journey.

I love her attitude. And for those who think skipping treatment is “giving up” the only thing Miss Norma has given up is the misery of uncertainty. Yes, the cancer she has will likely kill her. But instead of sitting around and worrying about it, or obsessing over treatments that may offer false hope, Norma is doing exactly what someone with a limited time span should do: experiencing every last drop of life she can, while she can.

We don’t have to wait until we are 90 and have a terminal illness to live like Norma. Sure, we can’t all necessarily hop into an RV and tour the country, but we can start carving out time to focus on what is important to us, instead of what others think is important.

 

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March 22, 2016 · 7:00 am

Dad’s surprising pick for president

While the circus that is this year’s presidential election performs around the nation, I thought it would be appropriate to post this hilarious letter to the editor that my dad wrote back in the 1960s.

In his letter, Dad argues why we’d be better off with a woman for president. Before you go giving my dad credit for being a progressive, the letter is satirical in nature and his reasons for wanting a woman as president are well, pretty darn sexist. Still, it made me chuckle, especially the line about Phyllis Diller.

Dad woman president letter

After reading some other letters Dad got published in newspapers around the same time, Dad sounded like quite the traditionalist. This was surprising, because my mother was definitely the dominant member of our family, and while a dedicated housewife and mother, she had strong opinions and was not afraid to share them. Perhaps life in America had caused Dad to reconsider his earlier views by the time he met my mother. At any rate, I never was subjected to any of Dad’s more sexist viewpoints when I was growing up. He always talked with great respect about women in history, like Eleanor Roosevelt, so seeing this other side of Dad is interesting.

What perhaps is the biggest takeaway is that even though a woman is now a front-runner in this year’s election, Hillary Clinton still faces some of the same issues raised in Dad’s letter. Putting politics aside, she is scrutinized more in looks, dress, and tone than her male counterparts. So while women have come pretty far in the last 50 years or so, some things haven’t changed.

For the record, Mom was never a big fan of Phyllis Diller. I remember this because Mom wasn’t one to voice her dislike for a celebrity very often. She loved to laugh and enjoyed most comedians. I don’t think she “got” Diller’s wacky persona, which is ironic, since Mom was pretty eccentric herself!

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March 17, 2016 · 7:43 pm

Irish spirit in the air

Even though my father notoriously did not approve of St. Patrick’s Day, the commercialized version of it, I can’t help but think of him today.

shamrock pin

Most days, my subway ride to work is not memorable, which probably is a good thing, the way the world is today. But today, I took time to notice all of the people who were wearing green, and it was definitely over half the car. People of all genders, races and creeds all uniting, members of the green team for a day.

Silly, maybe, but as the world seems to get more divided and contentious with each waking moment, I will appreciate unity wherever I can find it.

I also had to play a little Bing for my dad. This was one my dad used to sing to me as a child, and he could do a pretty darn good Bing Crosby imitation.

Hope Dad is smiling somewhere.

 

 

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March 13, 2016 · 12:20 pm

Finding grace amidst grief

Embed from Getty Images

It was part of my job to follow Nancy Reagan’s funeral on Friday. But it was also a lesson on grace, grief and choosing love at the right moment.

The fact that daughter Patti Davis and Nancy Reagan had a difficult relationship is well known. It has been written about and documented in numerous books and interviews by Davis and Reagan as well as political pundits and gossip columnists.

Imagine the pressure you would feel when asked to speak at the funeral of a relative who you had a love/hate relationship with, a funeral that was being broadcast to millions of people across the nation.

Oh sure, Patti Davis has led a life of privilege, but money and power doesn’t guarantee happiness.

Davis recounted a humorous prank that Nancy played on Ronald, a moment she relived with her mother in the days before her death. After telling the story, Davis said at the time she didn’t realize that would be the last time she would hear her mother laugh.

That really struck a personal chord with me, because I also think back to the last time my mother laughed and made me laugh. I can remember the moment in great detail. It was the day we started her morphine, finally, after battling the doctor and home hospice for more pain relief. A few doses in, Mom woke up for a nap and wanted to get up. I helped her out of bed and asked her how she was feeling, looking for any signs of the common side effects, such as nausea or dizziness.

Mom grabbed the puke bucket that I had placed on the bed in preparation for any such issues, and placed it on her head (yes, it was empty.) She then danced a little jig.

It was the only time that entire last month of my mother’s life that I genuinely laughed.

An hour or two later, Mom was vomiting into the bucket.

But back to Davis. She didn’t ignore the difficult relationship she had with her mother, saying that there were never any shades of grey in their relationship, but instead bright colors and passionate emotions. She took responsibility for her actions while not exonerating her mother, as death does not wipe clean a person’s past transgressions.

On Friday though, Davis chose love, and she did so with grace and humor.

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March 6, 2016 · 9:35 pm

The gift of taking a break

It has been so long since I have taken a real vacation that I can’t even remember where I went the last time.

The last several years, taking a real vacation was simply not an option. When you are a caregiver, you are on call 24/7. This is true even if you are a long-distance caregiver. Any time I went away for a few days, I was concerned if I lacked a cell phone signal. Wonder if Mom needed me? Wonder if Dad took a turn for the worse? While I found some enjoyment in weekend trips to the mountains, I never truly could tune out of life’s responsibilities.

beach

This time, in a trip that was postponed for several years, I took a full week off to visit Florida, stopping in Sanibel Island, Key West and St. Augustine. Sure, it was expensive. Yes, I don’t need any more debt.

joy beachBut if I’ve learned anything over the last several years, it’s that life is unpredictable. Over the last year, several bloggers I follow have lost a parent or other loved one, just like I have. After we have served as dutiful caregivers, the future opens back up for us, and that can be both beautiful and intimidating, like the ocean I viewed over vacation.

I’m trying to be mindful of not putting life’s pleasures on indefinite hold. We don’t know how long we have here, and how long our health will hold up to allow us to enjoy traveling.

Whether you are a caregiver or not, we all need respite from the daily grind. It’s not always feasible to take a trip, but taking a break can come in many forms. I encourage everyone to take time out just for themselves, whether it’s an hour, a day or a week. It’s not selfish to do things for yourself; it’s crucial to your mental, emotional and physical health.

I would love to hear how you recharge, even if you can’t take a traditional vacation.

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February 21, 2016 · 3:26 pm

Dreaming of the dead

Today marks nine months since my mom died. It’s hard to believe that I’m already coming up on the one-year anniversary.

Certainly, life marches forward and I have been propelled forward with it, but I still think of my mother daily, and often, it is about those last tough years when she battled illness, and not of the better times.

down-the-drain-1316847-1280x960

Skyro/Freeimages

I’m writing essays about the caregiving experience so it doesn’t surprise me that these thoughts are in my head. This week, I had a vivid dream about Mom, in which she was very much alive. I first saw her in a bathtub, and it was a bit scary for a moment, a la that scene from The Shining. But the dream didn’t take a nightmarish turn after that. Mom just kept popping up, alive and well, and I was puzzled and felt the need to keep her hidden.

I read a bit about what a tub can symbolize in a dream, and a lot of it made sense. One site said that it can symbolize emotional instability, vulnerability and the ups and downs of life. A bath can also symbolize a cleansing, both literally and figuratively.

Another major takeaway from the bathtub symbol in dreams is that it means one needs to let go of a burden they have been carrying. It can mean the need to shake off troubles and relax.

Hmm, okay subconscious mind, I get the hint! I’m going on a week’s vacation soon.

I’d be curious to know about any significant dreams you’ve had while grieving, or any dreams you’ve had about dead relatives. I find dream analysis fascinating.

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February 15, 2016 · 3:37 pm

Pundits tackle pain and painfully fail

There has been some buzz over what to me was a benign ad during the Super Bowl for a medication that treats opioid-induced constipation.

As any of you who have been a caregiver probably know, constipation is one of the most common side effects of long-term opioid use. My mother suffered from severe constipation during her last year. It drastically reduced her quality of life.

color pills

To me, this issue is not a joke.

To millions of Americans who live with chronic pain, it is not funny.

After the ad aired during the Super Bowl, Bill Maher cracked the following joke on Twitter.

Maher took flak for his tweet from those who suffer from chronic pain. Maher, who was fined recently for allegedly smoking a joint on television, strongly supports the legalization of marijuana, so he’s not anti-drug by any means, he just prefers weed to pills. Good for him, but for those with chronic pain who work real jobs and face drug tests, marijuana can be risky, even in states where it is legal.

The White House Chief of Staff also sounded off on the commercial.

The White House Press Secretary agreed.

These allegations, while perhaps well-meaning, are woefully misguided.

It’s true that the amount of people abusing opioids has increased dramatically since the 1990s. Pain management clinics popped up everywhere, serving as pill mills, with the doc essentially being a legal drug dealer. The pharmaceutical companies underplayed the dependency risks of their highly profitable products.

The government, under pressure to do something, placed stiff restrictions on opioids. But if you’ve ever known an addict, you know the war on any kind of drug is likely to fail. Addicts only kick the habit when they are ready to do so, and will readily switch to another drug to maintain a high. Many pain pill addicts are switching over to heroin, which is now cheaper and more readily available in many parts of the country.

The only people who are being truly affected by the government crackdown on opioids are those who suffer with chronic pain and who require these medications to function like a normal human being.

My mother relied on pain medications over the last few years of her life. After her cancer surgery, Mom was placed on a low dose of hydrocodone and her doctor kept her on it without question until the new Medicare regulations started to be phased in near the end of 2014. Suddenly, my mother was required to come in to the doctor’s office much more frequently to get her prescription refilled. It was difficult for her to get to the doctor’s office due to transportation issues and because she was in so much pain. It was devastating to know my mom was suffering and there was nothing I could do about it.

Terminal patients suffering excruciating pain should not be denied or delayed pain relief. Those with chronic pain should not face draconian laws to get the medications which help them hold down jobs and raise families. Yes, pharmaceutical companies need to be closely regulated and rehab needs to be readily available for those seeking help, but pain is no laughing matter and neither are the side effects of pain-relieving medications.

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February 8, 2016 · 5:32 pm

Salt of the earth

Unfortunately, I never was able to meet either set of my grandparents in person. Technically, my mother was pregnant with me when my parents paid a visit to my mother’s family farm in Tennessee. She didn’t know at the time that it would be the last time she would see her beloved mother alive.

Of course, my mother was full of childhood stories, and she adored both of her parents. Her dad was more stern, a hardworking farmer who supported a large family on the fruits of his labor while being a diabetic, which was much harder to medically manage at the time. He worked until his dying day.

grandparents

Her mother was equally hardworking, helping in the fields and managing the household. She was an amazing cook and helped keep the peace with eight children with her kind heart and patience.

One of my favorite stories that my mother told about her parents was when grandpa tried to get rid of a farm dog that wasn’t pulling its weight when it came to herding. He tried to take Scott up into the hills and abandon him in the woods, but the dog returned, with bloody paws, determined to remain part of the family. Grandma intervened on behalf of old Scott and grandpa backed down, sparing the lazy but loving dog’s life. Mom certainly adopted grandma’s love of animals.

Both parents had a good sense of humor as well, which my mother certainly inherited. That’s why I love this photo, one of the few I have of my maternal grandparents together. Grandpa is letting just a hint of a smile cross his face, while looking pretty satisfied, and grandma is laughing with pure joy.

Simple people, with love of family and life.

 

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February 1, 2016 · 3:03 pm

The teacher’s pet

I don’t know much about my father’s school days, other than his story about the nuns in the Catholic school rapping the knuckles of kids with a ruler if they misbehaved. I’m not sure how much my father learned during those years, but as an adult, he was always educating himself through his lifelong love of reading.

My mother enjoyed her school days. Perhaps that was because school wasn’t a given for farm families living in rural communities near the Great Smoky mountains. Many kids were pulled out early or for periods of time to help with the crops. My grandparents did not consider education to be a luxury and instilled the importance of learning in their children. My mother was an eager student and was forever grateful that her parents supported her desire for a good education.

Mom school

Just like you would read in a book, my mom’s early school days consisted on a “one-room” schoolhouse that had different corners for each grade. It was a very different educational experience than the massive schools that kids attend nowadays.

A teacher asked my mother if she wanted to pose for a photo project, and she agreed. My mother always received top marks on penmanship, and she liked this photo because it illustrates prominently that she was left-handed. My grandmother was apparently punished for showing left-handed tendencies when she began school, as it was considered to be “evil” so she was forced to adapt to writing right-handed.

Mom’s love of writing continued throughout her life, as she loved to pen letters to friends and family. She also used “old school” ways to keep learning as an adult, such as opening the dictionary to a random word she was not familiar with to expand her vocabulary. I remember her doing this daily as a child.

Perhaps that is where I got my love for words!

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January 26, 2016 · 8:07 pm

Don’t forget to document your passcodes

I cannot stress enough how important this is, whether it is parents/children or another close relationship. This is even more crucial when dementia is involved. Make sure to securely document account login information offline and online. Trying to gain access after a loved one is gone is a real pain, believe me. Kay offers excellent resources as well!

Source: Don’t forget to document your passcodes

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