January 19, 2016 · 8:05 pm

Nine to Ninety: A short film with a lot to say

You’ll only get to know Phyllis and Joe Sabatini for 29 minutes, but you will feel like you’ve known them for a lifetime. I saw much of my mom in the adorable yet feisty Phyllis. No doubt many of you will be able to recognize characteristics of your elderly relatives in this strong, loving couple.

The couple, married 62 years, live with an adult daughter, and you can clearly see how much genuine love flows through that house.

nine to ninety

But at 89 and 90, Joe’s health issues are becoming a major concern for the couple, and the couple’s adult children, who coordinate their living arrangements and health care. Phyllis doesn’t want to be a physical, emotional or financial burden on her daughter any more, who is raising her own child, age 9, hence the title of the short film.

The unusual solution Phyllis comes up with will likely surprise you. It’s not a choice most people would make, but it was seen as the best for their family. I’m not going to reveal any spoilers, but the film raises a lot of interesting issues about aging in place and the sandwich generation.

I have a lot of respect for the family, who talk openly about the realities of aging and death. These discussions are not always easy, especially for the granddaughter, but I think she will end up appreciating the fact that her family included her in such discussions. All too often, we overprotect children from the realities of life, but children are curious and resilient, and don’t always want to be shut out of such family matters.

I hope you get a chance to check it out. If you do see it, let me know what you thought about it. I watched it on the PBS channel on my Roku. The website for the film is called Nine To Ninety.

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January 13, 2016 · 10:02 pm

Mom featured in fun Navy profile

Mom enjoyed her brief stint in the Navy. She only served three years, but she spent the rest of her life talking about her experiences in the armed forces.

I always thought Mom’s fun-loving nature seemed contradictory to the serious activity of serving in the military, but Mom’s perfectionist ways made her a good recruit. However, she did squeeze in a bit of fun, as this lighthearted portrait in a Navy publication illustrates.

Mom Wave profile

Mom was photographed for a two-page centerfold feature in the July 26, 1963, edition of the Seahorse newspaper. Titled, “A Typical Day in the Life of a NavSta Wave,” the text that accompanies the photos says, “Janie Kyker, HM3, has been aboard U.S. Naval Station Long Beach for two years. A native of Tennessee, Janie finds life in the Navy exciting and challenging. Happily for Janie – and the lucky sailors pictured here – life in the Navy isn’t all work. In addition to her duties at the Station dispensary, Janie manages to find plenty of recreation aboard the Station. As the pictures show, life is anything but dull!”

mom navy ice cream parlor

Mom is photographed in nine images, following her from getting ready to begin her busy day to breakfast in the galley, work and then some fun activities, in the form of ping pong, pool, enjoying an ice cream soda with a couple of sailors and shopping. There was an outtake which included her dancing with a sailor. Mom kept the original photos and a copy of the newspaper, which is in good condition.

Mom was quite proud of the photo shoot. A couple of things that I found interesting was that she was referred to as “Janie” which I don’t remember my mom being called. She preferred Jane, “plain Jane” as she always said. Maybe because it was a fluff piece they went with a nickname, instead of the formal Kyker (her maiden name) or her legal first name which she never liked: Eleanor.

I also was fascinated by the Chow Call section in the paper, which featured that week’s menu. I feel bad for anyone who liked vegetables at the time. The menu was a carnivore’s delight. Breakfast: Broiled pork sausage links, fried and scrambled eggs; Lunch (which they referred to as Dinner): Southern fried chicken; Supper: Bar-B-Q spareribs, Bar-B-Q ground beef. Wow, that’s a lot of meat! Maybe that’s why Mom was practically a vegetarian later in life.

 

 

 

 

 

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January 6, 2016 · 8:04 pm

Dad: ‘TV is for my dog’

One of the great treasures I came across as I was doing one of the final sweeps of my parents’ condo after Mom passed was the discovery of a scrapbook.

Dad didn’t seem to be the scrapbooking type, but I can only assume he was the one who collected his letters to the editors of various newspapers across the country. Perhaps Mom collected them, but some of these letters go back to well before my parents met. At any rate, it’s a neat collection, albeit only half-full.

Most of my father’s letters were very serious in nature, mainly about the conflict in Ireland during the 1960s and 1970s, the Vietnam War and crime. But my dad did have a good sense of humor.

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He wrote one letter titled, “TV Is for My Dog.” In it, he bemoans America’s obsession with television programming, an ailment he nicknames “TVitis.” Dad writes that he dreads going to work on Mondays because  everyone will be talking about the weekend’s TV programming, like the Ed Sullivan Show or Candid Camera, and all of that bores him to tears.

Dad proudly declares that he doesn’t watch TV, and only listens to the radio and reads books. Dad says he only turns on the TV for his dog, who likes to watch Lassie.

Of course, my dad eventually did give in to the TV bug, and ended up enjoying quite a bit of television, from The Three Stooges to The Twilight Zone and The Tonight Show Starring Johnny Carson.

But my favorite line is about the dog. Dad never had a dog, but it’s still a funny line.

If watching less television was one of your new year resolutions, my dad would approve.

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December 31, 2015 · 6:23 pm

Lifting spirits as new year approaches

I know this has been a tough year for many of you who read my blog. We’ve had personal losses near and dear to our hearts. Thanks to all of those who read my posts and sent encouraging words, it is much appreciated. I hope for all of us a happier 2016.

After working a crazy month of overnight shifts, I ended up with a nice chunk of time off. If I’d known ahead of time, I could’ve planned a trip to Europe, but it being last minute, I considered closer-to-home options.

Then I realized I never made it to New Orleans.

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Many years ago, back in college, we drove through there, lost some money at the casino, and drove on. But ever since I found the letter in my dad’s belongings from The Roosevelt Hotel, proving that he worked there, I have wanted to visit the city and stay at the hotel. I decided to take the train, to give myself extra time to read and write.

Dad Roosevelt Hotel letter

I had an enjoyable trip and The Roosevelt is certainly a hotel to visit, especially at Christmas. I also got to do something in honor of my mom, which was to visit the butterfly garden at the Audubon Insectarium. It was beautiful, and to be surrounded by so many live butterflies was breathtaking. Mom would have loved it so much, and I have to believe that if reincarnation exists, she’s there, making the young and old alike smile.

I’m not big on resolutions, but while in New Orleans I had my oracle read (I also stopped in a church to light candles for my parents so I covered my spiritual bases.) Anyways, I don’t necessarily believe or disbelieve in oracle readings, it’s all just information to consider. The woman told me that I’ve been making little changes to my routine, and that I should continue to do that in the new year, as chance encounters may lead to greater insights.

And the truth is, I have been changing my routine. Ever since Mom died, I wanted to avoid getting into a rut. I wanted to try and appreciate each and every day more, and expose myself to new experiences. Not all of these were particularly exciting endeavors (working the graveyard shift) but certainly it offered a new way of looking how I organize my life what my priorities are.

So I will prod myself to keep experiencing the world in new ways, even if it’s just taking a different route home. There is much to gain even in the most mundane of activities.

If you have goals for the new year, I would love to hear about them.

 

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December 22, 2015 · 8:01 am

A bittersweet Christmas week, with gift of hope

This week was a double whammy for me, as not only did I mark the fourth anniversary of my father’s death on Dec. 20th, yesterday marked seven months since Mom died. Somber anniversaries just before Christmas.

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Mom’s last Christmas card to me.

While I think of my parents daily, I honestly let the 20th slip by without officially marking my father’s death anniversary. Four years out, there is naturally some healing and closure. I know this will eventually happen with how I feel about my mom as well.

Just after Christmas, I am paying my father tribute by visiting New Orleans. I will be taking the train, one of my dad’s favorite modes of transportation (after a boat.) I will be staying at the Roosevelt Hotel where my dad worked for a brief time.

My dad never provided a great deal of detail about his time in New Orleans, but when he did speak of the city, he spoke of it fondly. I’ve been once before, but was just passing through. I look forward to reconnect with one of my dad’s old stomping grounds, when he was a young and carefree man.

I also hope that being “stuck” on the train will free up time for me to focus on writing.

For the other bloggers out there dealing with loss or illness this holiday season, I send along thoughts of peace and comfort.

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December 15, 2015 · 5:43 pm

Tree of memories

Each year, it seems that there is another memorial ornament to hang on the Christmas tree.

Welcome to middle age, I guess.

Xmas tree 2015

The top of this year’s tree is loaded with memorial ornaments and pet collars of departed pets. While the sheer number of the dearly departed is a bit shocking, I don’t mind that the Christmas tree has become a memorial tree of sorts.

It’s a nice way to reflect on those we shared so many holidays with, and who will always hold a special place in our hearts.

Do you hang memorial ornaments or otherwise honor the departed during your holiday celebrations?

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December 8, 2015 · 9:02 am

In support of tough women

I stumbled upon this photo of my mom and my aunt Helen, and it made me laugh out loud. I’m not sure if they were trying to look mean or not, but they look like two tough gals you wouldn’t want to mess with!

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My aunt Helen preceded my mom in death by about a year. She was tough. She had survived cancer, back when Cobalt was the primary treatment method and it apparently had brutal side effects. Helen soldiered on, raised a family, took care of her husband (my mom’s brother) when he was diagnosed with prostate cancer and outlived him to a ripe old age. Even though she was afflicted with painful conditions as she neared the end of her life, she continued to travel the country and Canada with her family.

Born in the 1920s and 1930s, Aunt Helen and my mom knew tough work from a young age, but they also knew the love of a strong family.

Aunt Helen and my mom grew closer as they grew older, no doubt because they outlived many of the other members of the family. But the two also could talk for hours, with Aunt Helen serving as my mom’s eyes and ears back home in Newport, Tennessee where most of her family lived.

It was a big loss for my mom when Aunt Helen died, as she lost a key connection to her family. Younger generations prefer to text or email, something my mother never did. The phone grew silent.

Now I feel the same way with Mom gone, and the silent phone. I don’t miss it ringing to be honest, but the severed connection cannot be replaced. At least I have this outtake photo, showing the toughness and sense of humor our family have.

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December 1, 2015 · 7:38 pm

Like it or not, change is constant

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Photo credit: Mark Brannan/FreeImages

While I knew my mother’s death would be difficult to process, one thing I secretly looked forward to was the idea that my life would settle down once I was off the caregiver roller coaster.

For several years, a phone call could turn my world upside down. I seem to remember a time when life was not so unpredictable. My early twenties was filled with some standard life changes, graduating college and moving to a big city to begin the working girl phase of life. Certainly there were ups and downs throughout the rest of my twenties and early thirties, but I had established a relatively drama-free domestic life.

I thought once Mom was at peace, I would be able to reestablish a comfortable routine in my life. I would have welcomed a period of boredom.

Maybe it’s just the demands of middle age, but the six months since Mom’s death have been anything but boring. There have been some good moments and some bad ones, but the one constant thing is change.

For example, this week a coworker of mine had to take emergency medical leave and I find myself working overnight shifts for the time being. I volunteered, finding myself not as resistant to change as in the past.

I still find myself getting stressed out by the potholes and roadblocks of life, but begrudgingly I have to admit that for the most part, while unwelcome changes can be temporarily annoying, life has a way of working itself out.

The bumps in the road may seem endless at the moment, but things will smooth out eventually.

If you wait for life to settle down, it may pass you by.

 

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November 26, 2015 · 5:20 pm

Thankful for memories

I discovered recently while having Christmas ornaments made with family photos that my family did not take a lot of holiday pictures.

There were a handful of photos when I was a baby and small child, and then virtually nothing during the rest of my childhood. Of course, back then, we didn’t have the devices that make taking photos and videos so easy now.

family portrait red

It made me a bit sad that there were so few photos of holiday celebrations, but I am thankful I have the memories. There were no fancy Thanksgiving recipes, it was all from boxes and cans, but it was my favorite meal of the year, because it was made with love and it was a meal my parents and I looked forward to so much.

There won’t be any more meals with my parents in this lifetime, but I consider myself fortunate to have such memories.

 

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November 21, 2015 · 5:28 pm

A fragile healing over the grief

Today marks six months since my mother died. In many ways, it seems impossible that so much time has passed. A half a year! I think of her multiple times daily, and honestly, most of my thoughts are fixated on those last months. I wish her end had been less painful, though I know dwelling on it will not change anything.

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But certainly there are some things moving along in the right direction. The house is refinanced, and I hope to have credit card debt cleared in less than a year. My job is going well, and I’m thankful for the good benefits it provides.

I’m writing not quite as much I think I should, but I am writing. I won a writing award. I was interviewed for a documentary.

To use a not-so-lovely analogy, my grief feels like a bad wound that is slowly healing. If I leave it alone, and don’t pick at it too much, it will eventually heal and a scar may be the only reminder. But it won’t burn or hurt permanently, if I tend to it well. If I let time take its course, and focus on other things, the healing process will work.

I just need to trust in that process.

I need to resist the temptation to open that wound.

My mom would wish me peace over pain. I need to honor her wishes.

 

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