May 27, 2016 · 11:00 pm

How the dying teach empathy to today’s youths

While some may feel empathy is not something that needs to be taught, but is something that should come naturally to human beings, I do think people need opportunities to experience empathy.

A unique class for high school seniors in New York is doing just that. Simply called “hospice,” the students learn how to take care of the dying and a whole lot more.

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I was moved by the students’ experiences, and how they learned to cater to the resident’s needs, both physical and emotional.As anyone knows who has cared for a dying person, it is usually the smallest of actions that mean the most. A student helps a woman who was a speech pathologist but now ironically battles frontal lobe syndrome do a word puzzle. Another student rook time to read a memoir that a resident had written about his life, to get to know him better.

Sometimes the students experience death, up close and personal. It even hits close to home sometimes, as one student enrolled in the class has to deal with her dying grandmother who has been admitted to hospice.

The students shared what they gained from this most unusual of courses. They liked the fact that it was non-competitive, and it was a reality check that we are all going to die someday. Another student liked the class because it wasn’t competitive like most of his other courses; it’s simply about helping other people.

While I say kudos to The Harley School for maintaining such a course, and there may be similar classes elsewhere, I would like to see this become a more widespread movement. We’ve heard about the “scared straight” classes that send troubled teens to the morgue, and while that may shock some into choosing a better path in life, I think being around those who are one step away from death is far more valuable.

 

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May 21, 2016 · 6:34 pm

Honoring the departed with gratitude

Today has been the day I have been eyeing on the calendar for quite some time. My mother died one year ago today.

It is hard for me to believe one year has passed since that moment that I dreaded so much, yet brought some peace and stability back to my life. I didn’t want my mother to die too soon, but even more so,  I didn’t want her to suffer.

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But today is not about mourning. I have done enough of that over the past year, and rightfully so. Today I decided to make about gratitude.

As I’ve mentioned previously, my mom always showered kindness and appreciation on those she encountered in her daily life, from the convenience store clerk to the shuttle driver to her doctor. But it was those in the service industry, those who are often overlooked or taken for granted, that my mother really connected with. Sure, sometimes I would internally roll my eyes when Mom would talk my ear off about how the her favorite convenience store clerk was having surgery on her knee and a granddaughter on the way.

But it floored me that when Mom was in the hospital recovering from surgery, not only would she remember the CNA’s name, but her granddaughter’s name as well and that the kid was going to be in a spelling bee. I couldn’t even remember the nursing assistant’s name!

So today, I visited local businesses in my community and handed out thank you cards. For whatever reason, I felt a little silly, but when I saw the smiles light up the faces of the employees, I felt good. I think Mom would be proud that her daughter is carrying on her torch of goodwill.

It’s still a work in progress, but here is a link to the scrapbook I started for my mother.

Mom’s scrapbook

Thank you, dear blogging friends and followers. Your support means so much to me.

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May 18, 2016 · 7:49 pm

Scrapbooking as therapy

I’ve mentioned before how I started a scrapbook to organize and protect all of my father’s old photos, documents, and newspaper clippings . The project began with a rational purpose but I found myself enjoying the process. While scrapbooking is sometimes mocked, it’s really a creative process that allows you to tell the story of a family member.

I finished the scrapbook for my father, and now am working on one for my mother. I have found the process to be cathartic and therapeutic.

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As we move into the digital age, scrapbooks in physical form will probably become passé, replaced by highly efficient, customized digital renditions. But for those of us documenting the lives of loved ones from past generations, scrapbooks are treasured keepsakes.

More scrapbook photos can be seen in this Google photo album.

Do you scrapbook? I would love to hear about your experiences.

 

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May 12, 2016 · 8:08 pm

Grief by the numbers

 

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Maxime Perron Caissy/Freeimages

A fellow blogger who recently lost her father posed an interesting question on her blog, which went along the lines of what happens after that first year of loss?

As a society, we tend to mark major life events by months, then years. So what does happen on that first month after the first year marking the death of a loved one? While it’s common for people to mark the six month anniversary of something, the 13th month is not so common.

Soon, I will know, as the one year anniversary of my mother’s death quickly approaches May 21.

I don’t think my grief will suddenly lessen when June 21 rolls around, but perhaps a loosening in the monthly ritual is a part of the healing process. There was at least one month in this first year where I actually didn’t mark the day itself; I thought about it before and after but not on the actual day. At first I felt bad, but then I realized that it was probably a positive sign.

My father’s death was a completely different process. First, there was a greater sense of relief in that death finally freed my father from Alzheimer’s cruel gasp. At 79, Dad had lived a pretty long life and as an almost lifelong smoker, if dementia hadn’t taken him, emphysema (which he had) or lung cancer probably would have. With my mom, even though she was only 2 years younger, I felt like with proper, prompt treatment, she may have had some good years left.

Another difference in the grief process was that my grieving for my dad was cut short due to my mom’s illness. She became ill just six months after my father died. I had to switch gears, letting Dad rest in peace while I poured all of my energy into keeping Mom alive and nursing her back to health. By the time she recovered, Dad had been gone for a year or so and time had began to heal the loss.

In a way though, taking care of Mom helped me feel less guilty about not being there for dad as a caregiver. So while I’m not saying that Mom’s cancer diagnosis was a good thing, there was at least one positive outcome.

After surviving Mother’s Day (which I marked by participating in a charity walk and visiting cats at a shelter) I have now survived every holiday for the first time “motherless.” For those of you have been through the grieving process, I’m sure you can understand my feeling of relief.

 

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May 8, 2016 · 12:00 am

A Letter To The Motherless On Mother’s Day

Thought this was so beautifully written that I had to share. Hope this helps those of you who are motherless on Mother’s Day. Peace and love be with you.

JustJennaRose's avatar

May 8th, 2016

Today sucks, I know. It’s going to be hard. But so is every other day since you have lost your mother. There is absolutely no love in this world like the love of a mother. There is a void that cannot and will not ever be filled, no matter what anybody tells you. You don’t miss her today any more than you will tomorrow, or the next day, or the day after that.  Today, Mother’s day, is just another painful reminder that she is no longer physically here. As you watch friend’s  celebrate with their mom’s, please remember that yours is tucked away deep down in your heart where she will forever stay.  As the wind blows through your hair, know that it is her gentle and loving touch. As the warmth of the sun shines on your face please remember the warmth in your mother’s heart through all of the days she had on…

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May 1, 2016 · 4:12 pm

May is for Mother

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This is the first Mother’s Day I will experience motherless. At this time last year, Mom was quickly approaching death. In fact, I got her flowers early because I was afraid she might not live until Mother’s Day.

Knowing that would be the last Mother’s Day she would be alive was difficult. How do you express a lifetime of gratitude into a single day?

 

But experiencing Mother’s Day without a living mother is equally as difficult.

It is almost impossible to avoid the holiday. Mother’s Day ads are online, in stores, on TV … reminders to honor your mother are everywhere. I received an email reminder from the florist, to remind me I bought Mom flowers last year, and did I want to order again this year?  I’m sure the business thought this was a good selling tool, but it was just a gut-wrenching reminder of the sadness I felt when placing that order. (On the flip side, Mom loved the flowers.)

I just got back from a visit to what was my parents’ condo. Each trip I am trying to make a few changes, to slowly transition it from a place of sadness and illness, which it became over the last several years of my parents’ life, to a peaceful mountain respite that my parents enjoyed for many years.

My mother’s perfume still lingers in the bedroom. Of course I reflected on the events of last year while I was there, but I busied myself by putting together new furniture and rearranging things to make it my own. It’s what my parents would want, and I left the condo feeling fairly good about the progress.

And now, a week of nonstop Mother’s Day advertisements to navigate. I know at least a few fellow bloggers who have lost their mothers in recent years, so I know you understand how it feels. Certainly just because our mothers are no longer living doesn’t mean we cannot honor their life on Mother’s Day, and that’s what I intend upon doing.

How will you mark Mother’s Day?

 

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April 25, 2016 · 8:00 am

A Princely passing

Embed from Getty Images

Even though as a member of the media I was among the first to learn of Prince’s death, it still is quite a shock that a musical icon of my childhood is gone.

For us Gen X’ers, Prince was that rock ‘n roll guy, that dance music guy, that sexy music guy … he had a prime position on the soundtrack of our childhood and adolescence.

Of course, like most creative types, he came with controversy. Many of my classmates were restricted or forbidden from listening to Prince, who early in his career produced songs with sexually explicit lyrics and themes.

My mother, Southern Baptist-raised, was NOT one of the critics.

I remember my mom actually enjoying his music. She loved Prince’s style, his energy, his passion. Mom loved those who were different.

So it was appropriate that Prince died on the 11-month anniversary of my mother’s death. Maybe Mom is finally getting to be a Prince groupie somewhere on the other side. I think Prince in turn would have accepted fans of all kinds, even ones with thick Southern accents.

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April 16, 2016 · 6:01 pm

A call to support a fellow artist and caregiver

Many of you dear people who follow The Memories Project dabble in writing or other art forms, and are either caring for or lost loved ones to dementia.

Emily Page is an artist and blogger who recently lost her father, who had FTD. She has started a crowdfunding campaign for a book she is writing about the experience, which will include some of her fabulous art.

If you are so inclined and in the position to do so, please consider donating to her campaign. You can find out more about the project on her blog and via her Publishizer page.

I’ve never met Emily personally, but I have a feeling we would get along, because we both love cats and bourbon!

In less than 72 hours, I have had over 250 pre-orders for my book, Fractured Memories, about my family’s sometimes hilarious, sometimes horrible journey through my dad’s dementia. Seriously. Are you people kidding me? Did you know you were that awesome? Did you? I kind of vaguely suspected you might be pretty cool, but damn, I […]

via You People Are The Best People — The Perks of Being an Artist

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April 10, 2016 · 12:21 pm

Dad’s infamous cat rant

In honor of what would’ve been my father’s 84th birthday, I’m publishing the infamous “cat rant” that prompted a viral response back when we argued with each other in newsprint, not online.

I had been searching online for the letter for years, but as I was putting together a scrapbook for my dad, I came across dozens of letters to the editor clippings. The cat letter, along with the responses it generated, was in the pile. I was ecstatic.

dad cat letter

The funniest thing is that I thought the letter my dad wrote was much longer and talked about how the stray cats would hang on the back fence of our patio and intimidate people taking out the garbage or going to the laundry room. Maybe Dad’s original letter was longer, and was edited for space. But reading it now, and admittedly a huge cat lover myself, it doesn’t sound as bad as I remembered.

You can zoom in with your browser if you want to read the details. Basically Dad says he doesn’t like cats, that they don’t do anything good for anyone, and that cats are lazy, sensitive and jealous. He also laments being late to work because of a cat curled up under his car. He finishes the rant by saying that cats are an abomination. “I just can’t stand the little devils.”

But the responses are great! Who knew there were so many crazy cat ladies (and I use that term endearingly as I am one) in the Los Angeles area in the 1980s? And the fact that it prompted one of the newspaper’s columnists to write his own editorial response is fantastic. His criticism that readers get more outraged over someone who doesn’t like cats but ignore the wars taking place around the world still applies today.

cat letter response_edited

 

The image of the mother cat and her kitten is included to show how my dad’s opinion on cats changed over the years. When he was working as a security guard at a trucking company, he met a stray cat that everyone called Bonita. The cat may not have been the most beautiful, but she touched my dad’s heart. When she became pregnant Dad made sure she had enough food to eat. Even after he no longer worked there, he’d stop by and leave her some canned food for her and the babies.

As Dad’s Alzheimer’s progressed, he would ask me how my cat “Missouri” was doing. (My cat’s name was Michigan.) So in the end, Dad turned out to like the “little devils” quite a bit.

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April 4, 2016 · 8:01 am

Dad says: ‘The devil is having a ball’

This weekend, I worked on getting the Dad portion of a family scrapbook completed. I’m not necessarily the scrapbooking type, but I wanted to make sure some of the more fragile documents and photos from my dad’s life had a safe home.

I also wanted to have all of my dad’s published letters to the editor in one collection. I ended up finding more than 40 letters, and I finally found the rant against cats that had cat lovers all over Los Angeles writing nasty replies to my dad! It even prompted one of the newspaper’s columnists to write an entire column about the ruckus Dad’s letter caused, bemoaning the fact that people get upset over the silliest things, and ignore the real problems of the world.

Dad devil ball letter

Does that sound familiar? Not much has changed since 1986.

I’ll post the cat debacle soon, but this letter about the “devil having a ball” struck me also because things have not changed. I’m not sure of the date, but because of the town name on it, it would have had to have been written in the late 1970’s to 1980’s time frame.

My dad was the pessimistic type, but I think he genuinely wanted to see good triumph over evil, but was having a hard time imagining that when he wrote this letter. He had his Catholic faith to help him sort things out, but you can substitute out more current wars and areas of strife with some of the ones my dad mentions in his letter and see that things haven’t changed much.

Dad says “man hasn’t progressed much since his cave-dwelling days.” While man has invented and conquered much, as far as human nature goes, Dad may have a point. Perhaps there is comfort in knowing that hard times filled with hopelessness have happened before and will happen again, but peace and prosperity (not just financial) have also come and gone. For those who like to believe that life moves in cycles, the devil is bound to stop having so much fun at some point.

At least we can hope.

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