Category Archives: Memories

December 31, 2014 · 9:28 am

Hopes for a new year

It’s that time of year where we analyze the current year ending, and create new goals for the next year.

I’ve never been big on making resolutions but the start of a new year does give us all a good opportunity to introduce new goals. Of course, as caregivers there are many things beyond our control, so those fall into the hoping and wishing category.

2014 has not been a bad year for me. I finally was able to reestablish full-time employment and I’m very happy with my job. The ability to work remotely from wherever I want is a huge burden off of me, in case I do need to leave my home city for an extended period to take care of Mom again.

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I had a story published in “Chicken Soup for the Soul: Living with Alzheimer’s and Other Dementias.” That was an exciting accomplishment.

I was able to begin chipping away the debt I accrued while taking care of Mom. While I haven’t reduced my debt to nearly the point I want to, I know it can’t happen overnight, and am thankful that my job allows me to pay off significant chunks each month. Slowly but surely on this goal is the only way I will succeed. (Or winning the lottery, haha.)

Mom’s health has been a bit of a roller coaster ride this year, especially the last half of the year. Today she is supposed to finally meet with the surgeon, but there is a snowstorm in her area and I don’t know if she will make the appointment. The delays in securing a diagnosis is frustrating. I can only hope that we figure out what is wrong and get her the treatment she needs soon. I’ve helped stabilize her financial situation by picking up most of her bills to pay myself, but I hope she can continue to live independently so we can avoid another financial crisis.

I’m taking a writing class in January, a weekend workshop kind of thing. I’m finally starting to pull together a plan for a book idea. We’ll see what comes of it, but it is definitely a goal of mine this year to continue writing, and that includes blogging!

Thanks to all of you who read my posts and take the time to comment, it is greatly appreciated. I hope 2015 is good to you and your family.

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December 25, 2014 · 4:38 pm

Christmas doesn’t have to be perfect

I know many of you out there are celebrating a less-than-ideal holiday. You may be visiting your loved ones in a care center. They may not be able to communicate with family anymore.

Or like me, you may be grieving the loss of a loved one today.

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But as many of you have illustrated on your own blogs, wallowing in pity will not make the holiday season any brighter. While it takes effort, we must find ways to appreciate what we do have, and cherish the happy memories with those who have departed.

No day is perfect, just like no person is perfect. But every day and every person is special, if we only take the time to seek out the good.

Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays to you and your family.

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December 20, 2014 · 5:26 pm

Dad, three years gone from this world

Today is rainy, chilly and dreary, just like three years ago when I received the dreaded phone call that my father had died.

Everything else is so much different.

One of my favorite photos.

One of my favorite photos.

Little did I know at the time that I had taken the first of many significant dips on the roller coaster of life. Mom, always the picture of health, was diagnosed with stage III colon cancer just seven months after my father’s death. I quit my job to take care of her for the next six months. It would be another year before I secured any regular work.

I discovered that freelancing is best approached when you have time to plan and build clients, not for a sudden source of steady income. I learned that being a really good employee doesn’t get you very far in this job market.

And perhaps most importantly, I immersed myself in the world of Alzheimer’s activism, and learned so much from the stories I read.

So I am definitely a different person than the one who answered that phone in the middle of the newsroom on December 20, 2011. I hope I’m a bit wiser, and a lot more compassionate.

Tonight I will light a candle, toast Dad’s spirit with a glass of Irish whiskey and remember his wonderful singing voice, realizing that one can smile and mourn at the same time.

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December 17, 2014 · 8:49 am

‘Andrew Jenks, Room 335’ a moving documentary

I was a bit skeptical when I stumbled upon this film on Netflix. A documentary made several years ago by some college kid who takes up residence in an old folks home for a month? How insightful and meaningful could it be? Well, happily I was wrong, and I found this simple yet powerful documentary, Andrew Jenks, Room 335 quite touching.

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As anyone knows who has ever stepped foot inside a senior care facility before, there are so many wonderful characters just waiting to have their stories told. I saw bits of my mom and others I have known and lost in the residents at Harbor Place. I’m sure you will too.

There are a couple of big takeaways from the film. First, just because people are old or in poor health doesn’t mean they have lost their personalities or their humanity. They should not be forgotten or shut away by society. That brings me to the other big message in the film, which is that seniors are lonely. I know this all too well with my mom. It was sweet yet sad how excited the residents were to have this young man to talk to for a month. That need for human connection is strong and so many of these residents are just wasting away, their insights and memories dying with them.

So definitely worth a watch (keep the tissues handy!) It is nice to see the younger generation take an interest in the welfare of the older generations, I hope that is a trend that continues to grow.

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December 10, 2014 · 7:40 am

Time makes some wounds less painful

Here is a realist take on grief. Time does help. Time is like a new layer of skin that develops over a gaping wound. It takes awhile before the wound is covered, and even then, that new protective layer is quite fragile. But if tended to properly, that new layer of skin will completely cover the wound and most people will never know you had an injury. Even if no physical signs remain, you will remember the wound.

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That’s how I feel this year, as I approach the third year anniversary of my father’s death. As I’ve mentioned, I’m back working in the same building as I was on the day he died. All of the same Christmas decorations are back up. I’ve been struck with bouts of wistfulness and flashbacks to that day when I got the call that my father had died. But the black cloud isn’t quite as dark as it was the last couple of years. Of course, nowadays concern for Mom takes up a lot of my thinking time. But still, I know part of this is the natural grieving process.

There is no timetable. For some people, it may take a year, for others several years, and frankly, some people may never escape those black clouds. None of us should be judged by how we grieve. Of course, if we think loved ones are in danger of hurting themselves or others because of the weight of their grief, then action should be taken to intervene and get them help. But the grieving process is very personal. While it may help to read books to know the stages of grief, etc., it truly is one of those things you don’t fully understand until you experience it.

How have you handled your grief over the loss of a loved one? Has the passage of time helped?

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December 3, 2014 · 10:21 pm

“Who helps the person that’s the helper?”

Very moving. The focus is more on professional caregivers, social workers, etc. but can still apply to any of us dealing with family trauma and grief on a long-term basis.

caregivingwithcourage's avatarCaregiving With Courage

Just watched this trailer and was struck by how applicable it is to so many parts of my experience. Not only am I a part-time caregiver for a loved one, I am a social worker who listens to the heartbreaking and distressful stories of, essentially strangers, day after day.

Secondary trauma is something that, in my opinion, has not been looked at as closely or studied as in-depth as other forms of trauma, but can cause lasting effects nonetheless (if not dealt with in an appropriate manner).

There are so many topics that need to be explored more in-depth, secondary trauma, compassion fatigue, contagious stress, all of which I intend to explore more this month! Stay tuned, learn with me. I am not an expert on these topics by any means, but I will share with you my research on what these things mean for the caregiver and how to…

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November 27, 2014 · 10:41 am

Bittersweet holiday

As I’ve written before I’m sure, Thanksgiving was my dad’s favorite holiday. He loved turkey! My dad was not one to get too excited about food normally, so it was a big deal to watch him devour slice after slice of turkey.

While I can still recall those fond family memories, they are unfortunately overshadowed by that Thanksgiving three years ago. Dad was in the ICU, clinging to life. I was trying to figure out when I should fly out, because I was working the entire holiday weekend. The nurse said he could pass in two hours or two months, there was no telling. As soon as I arrived to work on Black Friday 2011, I received the call from a nurse, frantically asking me if they should pull the plug on my dad’s life support.

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I’m now back working in the same newsroom I was that day when I received that terrible call. Every now and then I’ll glance to that corner of the room and remember the pacing I did that day three years ago, trying my best not to completely freak out from the stress. I’m once again working the holiday, but from home this time. Thankfully I won’t have to mark the anniversary of those painful memories at the office.

So Thanksgiving is bittersweet for me. I still enjoy the food and try to focus on the happy memories. Life, and death, does not pause for holidays.

I hope somehow, somewhere, Dad is enjoying a few big slices of turkey.

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November 20, 2014 · 9:56 pm

The Most “WANDER-FULL” Time of the Year!

A good reminder for those gathering for holiday celebrations soon.

alzga's avatar Georgia Chapter Blog

­The holidays are almost here…is your loved one wearing their MedicAlert + Alzheimer’s Association Safe Return jewelry?

My name is Kim Franklin and I have been working with the Alzheimer’s Association as our Safety Services Manager for eight years now.  During the holiday season, I usually see an increase in wandering incidents.  At this time of year we tend to be around family and friends, coming and going from many events and things can sometimes get a little loud and exciting.  These busy times can often be more confusing for someone who has Alzheimer’s or dementia.  Their day-to-day routine may be thrown off by holiday gatherings and events and there may be crowds of unfamiliar people around. (Remember – even close family and friends can be unfamiliar to persons with more advanced memory loss).

All of the holiday hustle and bustle is often the perfect storm that leads to an…

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November 4, 2014 · 8:00 am

Being in the moment

As caregivers, it’s not just our bodies that are put to the test, it’s our minds as well.

I find that I spend very little time in the moment. Part of my mind is always mulling over the latest brewing health crisis or fragile financial state.

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Today I decided to go for a long walk in the park. After a raw and cold weekend, today was sunny and beautiful. I was near the end of my walk when I came upon a man feeding the ducks and geese by the park’s lake.

In the middle of the quacking flock, a young blue heron stood stock-still. It seemed very focused on the water, and while completely still, ready to spring into motion.

The man feeding the birds said that the young one had not learned how to hunt yet, but was practicing by stalking prey in the water below.

I allowed myself to just absorb the scene for several minutes.

My patience paid off. Eventually the young bird took flight.

An hour’s respite turned out to be more rewarding than I could have imagined. Sometimes it is the simplest things that can make the biggest difference in our daily routine.

How do you spend precious solitary moments away from caregiving duties?

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October 27, 2014 · 5:36 pm

Dementia and Disagreements: No one wins

I’m sure this post will ring true for many family caregivers. Behavior changes can also occur with other diseases, like cancer. I struggled mightily at times trying to navigate the emotional roller coaster my mom was on during her battle with cancer.

Kay H. Bransford's avatarDealing with Dementia

unwontictactoeFor me, morphing from adult child to caregiver has taught me much. One of the hardest adjustments is leaving behind your past and learning that as the disease progresses, no one ever wins disagreements. If a discussion is getting contentious, it needs to end without anyone emerging “right”.

This was tough for me to learn because in our family, debates and the exchange of ideas was a tradition at our dinner table – even into adult hood. As mom’s disease progressed, frank discussions, or any disagreement brought out the lion. She would just become combative. Medication has helped and she is much less suspicious and disagreeable now.

It took me time to learn, but I began to redirect, let go and change the topic when a disagreement was coming. I’m not perfect at it, and on a bad day, I still struggle to overcome the old patterns of our…

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